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God, to me…

February 26, 2013 by Leave a Comment

is Beauty.
Simply the moments where you are so struck by the awe of what you witness, feel, know that you are silenced into nothingness and everything joins you in that reverence. That is consciousness, that is God, Goddess, Divine.

As a child, I knew not what religion was.

My grandmother’s crucifix, that was my size, made me incredibly sad and my earliest memories were of wanting that bleeding man to not be so alone.
My solution? Undress all my Barbies, wrap them in toilet paper loin cloths to be fashionably on par and hang them up all over the wooden cross so this guy wouldn’t feel so lonely or awkward. I seriously wish I had a photo of that and my family’s face when they found my Buddy up Jesus project. Priceless!

Buddy Christ Motivator_by_Saint Jimmy (deviantart)

Buddy Christ Motivator_by_Saint Jimmy (deviantart)

As a pre-teen, I wanted so badly to be confirmed, for a ritual to take place that marked me as a valid something. I dreamed of having a bat mitzvah or quinceañera, a rain dance rite of passage and to get to wear a hooded cape in the mists of Avalon. I just had a Thanksgiving plate of mythology and tradition that I wanted to eat up and digest.

religion
I didn’t understand the practices but I loved the community of my friends’ religions except the whole sin bit and certain rules that seemed to exclude people- that didn’t make much sense to me.

I was taught to find my own way by my parents and when I started asking tougher questions beyond my Barbie years… my father gave me Siddhartha and my English teacher recommended the The Way of The Tao to read.

The places in life that caused me to pause were little and easy. I don’t know if I really saw religion as anything else but good story telling and at that point I wouldn’t have been able to have a conversation about spirituality.

I did know , however, what caused me to feel like I had insight, the keys of the universe- they were the little moments I felt sublime. Perhaps what some would call grace.

Falcor? Ewok?

Falcor? Ewok?

The right song on the radio that “randomly” sang exactly what I needed to hear, dogs sticking their heads out of car windows, sunrises that found the details out of the darkness.

It took me 20 years but I no longer shudder at the words God, Lord, Holy, Spirit like I once did. I resisted these words as I didn’t understand them and saw they often made people shift their weight or stand weirdly erect. What helped was no longer having God be synonymous with religion, dogma and righteous separation.

I had the opportunity a few years ago when I lived in Sedona to reexamine what I experienced as sacred, spiritual, or God-ish. People who were visiting often asked me what the deal was with a vortex. Stay with me here…
These places all over town that were supposed to provide spiritual insight and be psychedelic in some fashion, vortexes or correctly, vortices (but no one ever called them that, it wasn’t Southwesty enough I suppose). It was in trying to explain it to someone who had no vocabulary regarding consciousness, yoga, metaphysics, etc. that I, too, was able to understand my own definition of the nameless.

sedona beauty

Sitting atop Cathedral Rock at sunset

“When you stand in witness of a view so potent with beauty, you can’t help but shut the hell up. There lies peace and in the face of it, you know what some call divinity.”

That’s how I saw it, spelled it out and it still holds water with me today.

Unity with beauty- be it with a conversation that blows your mind with possibility, a spring flower on it’s first opening, the vulnerability of a hand on the small of your back that makes your heart flutter, the breath the Earth horizon seems to breathe as the burst of red sunsets cast their warmth at sunset, tears on a kind face, the depth in a newborn’s eyes, a sky so clear that it kisses you and grants you wishes.

This is what I call God.

Being human allows you to forget how perfectly round this experience is and it’s the momentary returning to something greater and all together simpler that requires nothing, just to behold and be held. Behold, be held in, of and by beauty or just give a dog a belly rub. Dog/God. Meh, same thing, just spelled backwards. Coincidence, methinks not.

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TED Talking

December 30, 2012 by 1 Comment

I’m not one for keeping quiet and staying mum on incredible things but I was so beyond humbled to speak at a TED conference that I didn’t even post about it (until now).


Ridiculous?  Maybe.

Have you ever had a dream that came true, so fast that you thought maybe it was an accident or you ducked your head in the sand or peed your pants?  I thought I’d have published ten books and then maybe, MAYBE, attend a TED conference let alone SPEAK at one so when my birthday came around this year and I asked to live my life with joy on purpose I didn’t expect the gift that came two days after blowing out my 30 candles.


Yup, me, your Ella, will be offering her perspective on “Visions for Transition: Challenging existing paradigms and redefining values (for a more beautiful world)” and will be boarding a plane to do so in a week’s time.

You never know you who you’re going to inspire and you never know what doors will open from you being you, doing what you love.

Thank you ALL for being a part of this journey.

A gift my mother imparted on me this year was the choice between two images of His Holiness, the Dalai Lama to sit on my altar.  One was of him quietly smiling with peace, the other with him laughing while speaking into a microphone and clasping his hands in joyful prayer.  My first instinct was the quiet, non-mic check photo.  I’ve been feeling more and more quiet these days, especially since my journey to Mother India (yes, I know, I’ve not shared about it with hardly anyone but you’re on my list, promise!).

However I chose and choose the image that reflected my birthday wish for this year.  I choose to embrace the gift I asked for- to speak, to share, to express myself and be in service to healing of hearts worldwide.


I feel like he’s winking at me through his glasses even now.  “The World will be saved by a Western Woman”, so His Holiness said at a peace summit three years ago when I began my journey as a doula to you.  Perhaps I’m not THE Wonder Woman to save the world but I’m happy to be a pink, sparkly brick in the foundation of its healing.




xoox


In humble and joyful service,

Ella

P.S.  As I stand on the precipice of realizing a dream, I ask for your well-wishings, love and support as I take the stage January 12th in London. TEDxWhiteChapel is on Facebook if you want up-to-the-minute news (for instance, I just learned that tickets ARE SOLD OUT, woweeee, gulp). So click like and follow and blow kisses my way if you feel so inclined.






















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Giving Thanks for New Moon Reflections

November 13, 2012 by Leave a Comment

Magic is afoot in the cool air and dark nights.  Kisses are more haunting and spellbinding, music seems to bathe you and seep into your skin, food just tastes better and eyes get a bit more misty with nostalgia.  New moons are time for reflection, ultimately within and finding the groundedness in the midst of what may feel like an ocean of emotion.

As I sat last night in a much awaited child’s pose on my yoga mat, I decided to keep my eyes closed during the majority of my practice.  It was the first class I could go to in weeks as I’ve been too weak from a persistent cold to do much of anything, let alone vinyasa flow.  I felt such gratitude.  Thanksgiving isn’t just about giving thanks to the external but also to ourselves and knowing when to be still, sweet and surrender.  When we focus too much on the outside/the external we literally go without (without, with out ) and we won’t have much left to give.

New moons are the perfect time to get real and deep or simple and sweet.  Appreciate everything on the menu, focus on what’s most nourishing for you right now (and don’t judge yourself for it).

Big shifts in the stars are making lots of folks wobbly and humbled by emotions, setbacks and whopping big changes.

Sometimes when I hear a lot of the same thing from friends and even people around me in stores, lines, gas stations I’ll peep what’s happening in the world of astrology to see what’s up. Emotions and uncertainty seem to be on the menu especially this week.  Cafe Astrology is one of my favorite astrological info hubs and I love the name (let’s be honest, I’m a foodie in all that I do).  There are a number of resources on the site relating to planetary alignment so totally check it out, it’s Ella approved. ;-)

Being that today is quite auspicious, I’m reposting the word on the street about our new moon in Scorpio (yes the Sun and Saturn are too)…

New Moon Solar Eclipse on Tuesday, November 13th, 2012, at 5:09 PM EST.

Tuesday afternoon, a New Moon in Scorpio occurs. This lunation is a more potent New Moon, as it is a Total Solar Eclipse, and represents a new beginning in the fixed water sign of Scorpio. It’s a time when we can focus on some of the constructive traits of the sign of the Scorpion–passionate, resourceful, focused, probing, deep, and perceptive–and consider how to positively incorporate these qualities into our lives. Scorpio New Moons are generally good for working on our self-mastery skills. We may want to pinpoint the things in our lives that make us feel out of control, such as addictions and debts, and work on freeing ourselves of these emotional burdens. This New Moon cycle is also an opportune one in which to explore what is missing in our lives that leads us to engage in these self-destructive behaviors. This cycle represents an opportunity to rid ourselves of the “junk” in our lives–material and spiritual. With this potent Scorpio energy, we have the chance to make important changes in our lives.

This Total Solar Eclipse occurs on November 13th at 5:09 PM EST at 21 degrees and 57 minutes of Scorpio. Its effects can be felt up to six months after the actual date of the eclipse. In the sign of Scorpio, matters related to intimacy, control, power, money, and sharing will be a strong focus on a personal level. This eclipse is about new beginnings regarding all of these matters.

One of Scorpio’s “lessons” involve learning to dig deeper into the mysteries around us instead of always being content with status quo. Taking the time to understand others’ motives can enrich our feelings of intimacy, forgiveness, and sense of meaning. Scorpio also teaches us that dedication to one meaningful relationship or undertaking can be significantly more satisfying than spreading ourselves around. Here, “quality over quantity” applies. We might want to use this cycle to work on focusing on and developing one special project or relationship in order to help add purposefulness and depth to our lives.

With retrograde Mercury square Neptune at the time of the eclipse, we should watch for fuzzy or wishful thinking. Intuition is heightened, but the details of our plans now may be hidden, overlooked, or unclear.

My magic 8 ball says “outlook unclear AND good”, what about you?

Shakin’ it under the moon,

Ella

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Change? Heads Will Roll!

February 25, 2012 by Leave a Comment

The Queen of Hearts, not much of a fan of change or things not going HER way.

Your way? Always MY WAY!
Off with your head!

Recently, it came to my attention that I’m all for adventures but often on my terms.
When a friend recently invited me to a girls’ night out and her boyfriend tagged along, I admit I initially got a bit pissy.

I thought about my not-so-favorite movement sequence in tai chi, “Change Is Difficult”.


I always snicker to myself at the title because change is inevitable so why is it often experienced as difficult?
For me, if I’m a smidge cranky or excited by my expectations, I’ll admit I’m easily agitated at first if they change (even if for the better).

Mood is perspective, some of my best non-plans have the best things EVER!
However, sometimes it feels really good to be pissed off and disappointed, making someone else wrong and giving them shit for it. But what is the change symbolizing to you and is your being pissed off really creating the experience you ultimately want?

I think for everyone there’s a different broken record/tape playing in our heads that eagerly awaits the opportunity to be wound up. Do we give into the habit of it or embrace change?

Change is difficult if we believe that to be so.

A break up or a losing our job or moving from familiar surroundings can at first, absolutely, be difficult but will only remain so if we choose it.

If we’re stuck in the story that we’re not important, not enough, not lovable, always alone, unable to win then we’ll seek opportunities to prove these not so happy beliefs to be true until we catch it.

Being a grumpy old bear or an Eeyore serves something, it’s up to you to ask what?

Maybe having a hot temper around change is a way to protect yourself or stand up for yourself after not doing so in other aspects of our lives? I certainly see that to be the case for myself and many others. Anger can be a healthy thing though, it’s showing us where we feel violation (and that’s often seeded within violating ourselves).

Why are we happy?
Expecting to remain or hold onto happiness is what makes us unhappy because we’re forever changing, every second of every day. Trying to keep things exactly as they are will inevitably make us miserable and misery loves company. Change is difficult if we consider it to be.

Having things go our way and punishing others for not meeting our expectations is a quick way to kickstart unhappiness. Being stubborn about apologizing or shifting is silly and the quicker we laugh about it and consider that there are a bajillion ways (not a right one) the quicker we’ll inject a sigh of relief. It’s up to you…

“Natural happiness is what we get when we get what we wanted, and synthetic happiness is what we make when we don’t get what we wanted. In our society, we have a strong belief that synthetic happiness is of an inferior kind.” (Dan Gilbert)

This is incredible food for thought on happiness… Dan Gilbert’s TED Talk on “Why Are We Happy?” may change your perspective (be forewarned).

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How To Transform The Whiney B%$#@

February 10, 2012 by Leave a Comment

Moving away from being a whiner (or as I kindly refer to myself: whiney martyr bitch) is actually far easier to do than you might imagine.

Just change this statement:

_________ is doing this TO me

to

________ is doing this FOR me.

Why?
Because it’s true, we create our experiences to learn, grow and ultimately, love.

Progress can be harmless people, really it can and it all begins with taking responsibility for our lives.
If love is all around us and all there is, then it’s our ultimate purpose to sniff it out like proper little bloodhounds.

Feel what you feel, especially anger (don’t ever stuff it) and remember that it’s an opportunity for you to see that it’s the way the world loves you. Sometimes shit just gets lost in translation.

I was ridiculously inspired by my brother from another mother, Justin Polgar and his video post this week on Anger.

He’s the self-professed YES-ologist and I second his yessing. Watch this, warning: you will love him even if you didn’t plan on it.

I listened in my car while driving in LA traffic and rawr-ed along with him in this video, everything quickly turned into laughter and I felt a bajillion times better. Treat yourself to him and if you can, his chocolate (no I’m making an innuendo but it is dirty). :-)

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You Can Blush But You Can’t Hide…

February 5, 2012 by Leave a Comment

Tomorrow (February 6th) I’ll be speaking at Bini Birth in North Hollywood a group of amazing women, new mommies and those in world of mommies.

BINI Birth's Ana Paula Markel and Ella Lauser

Go Ask Ella is honored to be a safe space for questions about the “things we don’t talk about but should.” Ella will empower us to get in our bodies and check in our personal wisdom in our role of new mommyhood. We will look at the stories we tell as women and mothers. Come learn how to re-define who we are based on who we want to be and share tips for getting our groove back! Ella will be working on simple breath and relaxation techniques to bring us back into our own inner peace. Ella provides the perfect sacred and safe space for women to become empowered emotionally to live a happier, more connected, joyful life. Come be part of this amazing circle of support!

The group meets from 1 to 2:30 on Monday at Bini Birth 5355 Cartwright Avenue in North Hollywood. A six class pass is available for $120, or you can drop in for a single class for $25. Email rachel@binibirth.com for more details or of course, Go Ask Ella!

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True Health

January 2, 2012 by 2 Comments

True health doesn’t stem solely from what we eat or how many times we visit a yoga studio or gym.

It’s about relationships…

And I’m not just talking about our relationship status on Facebook, I’m talking about our relationships to everything: our past, our jobs, our creative expression, our family, our environment, our body, our food, our emotions, our spirit.

The holistic (the whole enchilada) approach to what’s up with our well-being is way more crucial than our calorie intake. Having the best routine and dietary regime won’t get to the root of why we feel like crap. Trust me.

Check out this incredible video from TED Talks that really spells it out.  Examining what your little red flags are is the best thing you could do for you and your world, that’s true health.




Lissa Rankin, MD is an OB/GYN physician, author, keynote speaker, consultant to health care visionaries, professional artist, and founder of the women’s health and wellness community OwningPink.com. Discouraged by the broken, patriarchal health care system, she left her medical practice in 2007 only to realize that you can quit your job, but you can’t quit your calling. This epiphany launched her on a journey of discovery that led her to become a leader in the field of mind/body medicine, which she blogs about at OwningPink.com and is writing about in her third book Mind Over Medicine: Scientific Proof You Can Heal Yourself (Hay House, 2013).

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Being Wrong

December 4, 2011 by Leave a Comment

Being wrong is something we all avoid.  Maybe in our moments of post-yoga zen, we’re okay with being wrong. Ideologically embracing being wrong about something in our past and letting it go is a bit easier than being wrong right now and that is rarely appreciated.

Last night, I decided to argue a point that it was rude for my partner to tell me I couldn’t have any more salted caramel ice cream because I took the bite he wanted (he had sculpted and adorned it so perfectly, I couldn’t help myself). When he countered my argument with the fact that he had just cooked me dinner and cleaned up the whole kitchen, I acknowledged that this was true but stuck to my guns because the ice cream take away was a separate issue.

*yes, I realize I’m ridiculous for arguing about a bite of ice crem

But anyone who knows me knows how I can get about ice cream… it makes me happy but I’m not good at sharing it.

Everyone’s got their thing right?

Yup, animal, human and not perfect.  But in any case, I often bow out and roll over when it comes to arguments because I don’t like being wrong and I don’t particularly enjoy confrontation. However, I decided last night to stick it out and learn something even if I was wrong and it turned out I learned that he was joking and that taking the bite he wanted was rude as was taunting him. Also known as, I was wrong.  But you know what?  I felt better about him, the ice cream and myself afterwards.


As a kid, I prided myself on getting gold stars and straight A’s.

When you do that and get in the habit of being correct or right, there’s not much room for wrong.   So when we are wrong, we can get a little mea culpa, slapping a “I’m a bad person” name badge onto ourselves after a good whipping.

As an educator who had to grade her students and write narrative evaluations on performance, it was bizarre to have five years old beg the question: “am I bad” all because they didn’t get 100% on a quiz.  My students wouldn’t even create art that was different or unique because as I was told: “teacher there is right way, show us how.”  By striving to be right, we don’t have a lot of fun do we?


Being wrong is being human and it’s actually a good thing, it doesn’t define us and we’re better people when we’re wrong.

Being wrong is our greatest teacher.

Now, this morning when I found this TED talk in my Facebook newsfeed, I pinched myself.  Gotta love synchronicity!

Being wrong never felt so good!  Enjoy what this self-professed “Wrongologist” has to say (or don’t, I’m okay with being wrong on what you consider awesome).  ;=)


[ted id=1126]


P.S. Where have you been wrong lately?  
How did you handle it?  What about when other people are “wrong”?

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this too, comments welcome!  Wrong isn’t a bad word, let’s prove it. :-)

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Tis The Season for “I’m Sorry”

November 22, 2011 by Leave a Comment

Thanksgiving is calling out all bellies to join in pumpkin pie festivities, gathering of families old and new as well as offering us a time to be thankful for what we have.

This late autumn/early winter timeframe also dredges up funny things from ghosts and things left unsaid. Maybe regret is the other side of gratitude’s coin? Perhaps when it gets cold outside and you’re feeling the bitter wind, you’re reminded of when you’ve been a dick and feel sorry about it. Should you reach out and touch someone?

Date: 11/22/11

Subject: I’m Sorry

Ella, I’m sorry I’ve been such an asshole to you.

The holidays bring up the past, I get it.  Where was I this time last year? The year before? Who was with me? Who is no longer around and why?

We become self-reflective, sentimental, emotional, filled with nostalgia and often have the urge to reach out and make things right. But an apology about being an asshole is a strange Thanksgiving approach, don’t ya think? Especially if there’s no real intention to change anything, apologies are kinda pointless aside from tugging at memories that want to remain in the past.

My advice- don’t peel back old wounds just because you’ve seen your reflection in the mirror unless you’re changing your behavior. Accountability is cool I’ll admit. And what’s more is that the minute I don’t need the apology anymore is when they arrive.

Advice item numero dos: Make amends with yourself and have compassion for folks who make mistakes (because we all do).

When questioning whether or not to pick up the phone or click send to a person from your past…

1. Question if it’s for you or for them?

If they’re not in your life any more maybe it’s for the best and everyone wants it that way. Making amends can be a great gift, don’t get me wrong, but not when it’s at the expense of your potential pardoner. Laying your trip on them is one way to just add more ick to the agenda, who wants more mess? Or to be cleaner upper. You can only truly forgive yourself and acknowledge your mistake (do so externally if you have no expectation/need for a reunion).

Once you click send or start talking, you’ve opened a bit of a Pandora’s box and forgiveness may not be on the menu. Don’t expect anyone to let you off the hook, they’re entitled to feel however they want and you may end up just feeling worse if you’re attempt to make good is rejected.

2. Try writing a couple of letters first for yourself, a free write of everything you want to say without edits. If you’re underlying message is “I need you to forgive me so I can feel better about myself” or “I’m sorry for acting like an asshole because of what YOU did.” Then you’re making them responsible or wrong and you’re not really interested in forgiveness as much as you are being right or getting a dose of “I’m okay.”

3. Don’t have expectations for an outcome aside from just you expressing your apology I’ve gone years without talking to friends or past lovers for a number of reasons and when we reconnect it has worked out in a number of ways. Sometimes just a nod and a “hope you’re doing well” has happened or in some scenarios, we’ve gone on to become great friends. Some apologies take time to sink in and others are chalked up to just being human. Don’t hold yourself in guilt or feeling like a bad person, we’ve all fucked up at one point or another.

4. Make it a two-way street. If you do decide to reach out, perhaps consider giving that person an opening to talk to you as opposed to just making a blanketed apology without communicating a course of action to change or make things better.  Everyone in a crap situation has a hand in in it for the most part, maybe they have something to apologize for to (this is something they may or may not feel) so let them have their chance at the peace pipe.

Making peace begins with you making peace with yourself. A friend’s father once advised me that sending an apology with prayer or a visualization is often all that’s needed.

To the person who wrote me this morning- it’s not for me to forgive you but for you to forgive yourself and hopefully make an effort to be a better person, learn from your mistakes and change your behavior. I don’t think you’re an asshole, you’re just a person who made some poor choices and it sucked at the time. All good.

I’m grateful for my interactions throughout my life, including my own personal screw ups because it’s in those moments I really saw how out of alignment I really was with the person I am underneath it all.

We’re only human and by practice and intention we can reach for something greater back into ourselves.

Giving thanks,

Ella


P.S. For those of you who receive an apology any time soon, also consider it took a certain amount of courage and try your best to have compassion (that is unless it’s a text which is just lame depending on the circumstances).  If it’s a big I’m sorry, make a grand gesture ala John Cusack’s Lloyd Dobbler in Say Anything(see image above of boy holding boombox).

An effort is an effort none-the-less and some folks (ahem, most of us if not all of us at one point) get a bit squirmy and weird when owning up to our shit.   Compassion is seriously the word of the day here. And remember, in the end, what’s the bigger picture that’s preferred?  Holding onto something that doesn’t feel good  just to hold it over someone is causing YOU more pain .

“Resentment or grudges do no harm to the person against whom you hold these feelings but every day and every night of your life, they are eating at you”- Norman Vincent Peale (1898 – 1993)


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Teaching Good Sex

November 17, 2011 by Leave a Comment

It CAN feel good to talk about sex.

Did it when you were first sexually active?  How about last year or last night?

Sometimes I wonder if it’s just me.  I’m always the person at the party who brings up the world of sexuality- we all got here that way didn’t we?  It’s not always for the shock value (that’s more my Grandie’s style) but I really enjoy seeing where people’s comfort levels are and where they get stuck.  The word “penis” just makes people a smidge squirmy and vagina, forget about it.  Did you know that vagina comes from the latin meaning: sword’s sheath?  Uhh!  New word please, thank you.

What about the word cunt?  It’s chocolatey sounding apparently…


As most of you know, my favorite thing about talking or teaching good sex is humanizing it- making it real, not having judgment and being open-minded.  It’s funny how a lot of old myths stick in our heads about boys wanting sex more or that women should orgasm vaginally blah blah blah – B.S!

I also think we rarely talk about all the stirrings that come about regarding the beautiful human form and how hot and bothered folks get regarding the opposite and often the same sex (why don’t we talk about this more?). Hello human!

Teens, senior citizens and folks of all shapes, sizes and desires would have had a better run if they had a teacher they could trust and could just talk shop without skipping over sex being pleasurable and how.  Sexual education isn’t (and shouldn’t) just be about the uh-oh and oh-no concerns  like STDs, pregnancy and rape- education begins with teaching “good sex” and talking about the positives too.  An ice breaker I LOVE to use is “Have you ever looked around you and realized that every person you see is the result of an orgasm?  Well, it’s my hope that we are the result of two! “

If we leave out pleasure, what’s the point of talking- I know all my fellow classmates in Human Development just shuddered in horror at the slides of STDs and the “Miracle of Life” vaginal birth video.  Times they are a changing!  Sex Ed CAN BE SEXY and so can birth (a soon-to-be-published post).  We don’t have to rely on getting good info from Cosmo or Maxim, porn or old school beliefs that potentially muck up our perceptions/truths.

Imagine if you took a course in high school called “Sexuality and Society” where you got to talk about relationships, what a vulva actually looked like (and how many varieties there are), that porn isn’t the best teacher, gender stereotypes, what ways to experience pleasure through sexual activity…

These are the topics of debate in Mr. Vernacchio first of its kind course that I so wish I had taken (or been given the green light to teach).  In this week’s NY Times article, Vernacchio shares with journalist Laurie Abraham: “When God was passing out talents,” he likes to say, “I got ease in talking about sex” and I’m happy to join him in that gift basket.

Two boys who told me they’d been masturbating to Internet porn since middle school said they found themselves disoriented at the real-life encounters they had with girls, but Vernacchio helped them grasp the disjuncture. Pornography “gives boys the impression that the girl is there to do any position you want, or to please you, or to, you know, role-play to your liking,” one of them said. “But yesterday, when Mr. V. said there is no romanticism or intimacy in porn, porn is strictly sexual — I’d never thought about that.”

One young man in the class told me he had intercourse with 10 girls, but he was a relative outlier. While most of the students had had intercourse — 70 percent of teenagers do so by their 19th birthday, according to the Gutt­macher Institute — only 4 of the 17 I spoke with reported having three or more partners; 10 had had one or two; the other three were virgins.

To read more on this fascinating NY Times Article, “Teaching Good Sex” by Laurie Abraham, click here.

Were you having sex by 19?  Were you comfortable asking your partner what you wanted?  I think one of the greater gifts we can give one other is information on how to enjoy our lives more and sex certainly marks high on that list.  Sex can do a body good, don’t we want that for everyone?  Better sex makes for a better world.

Even after YEARS of sexual activity people still ask me things that this teacher is bringing up to 9th and 11th graders.

“Why doesn’t my girlfriend cum during sex?”  is a mega popular question…

“…70 percent of women do not orgasm through vaginal penetration alone — [after discussing this fact] one boy exclaimed, “That shocked me, a lot.” The other boys also told me they’d been in the dark about the mysteries of female sexual satisfaction. “I think I sort of knew where the clitoris was, but I didn’t know it was, like, under something,” one said. Another declared, “It’s almost like a wake-up call.” He paused. “To not just please yourself.”

The female students were nearly equally surprised. “I always thought, Is it weird that I don’t get an orgasm from, you know, just like vaginal penetration?” said a girl who’d had intercourse with one boy, though she’d had orgasms before that from being touched genitally. “It was comforting to hear that for most people it doesn’t happen. I mean, I’d heard it, but it was nice hearing it from Mr. V., who knows so much about it, and other people saying, ‘Yeah, yeah, that’s right.’ ”

We can’t normalize enough, be we teens or well into our fifties (and that’s especially the case for new moms and post-menopausal women because sex changes as our bodies change). Talking and re-addressing “normal” changes everyone’s perception for the better, particularly getting clear on what feels GOOD.  So don’t forget to include that in your next pillow talk session-  playing doctor or teacher isn’t just for the kiddies you know.  ;-)


Share this post/article with your family, friends, educators, lovers and community.  It’s good food for thought, body, sex and mind.

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