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Four and A Half Inches

Question of the Week

Big Heads Don’t Always Win But Our Size Obsession NEVER does…

Dear Go Ask Ella,

I am on the smaller side of the penis size. I’m about 4 and a half inches. I’ve been dating my girlfriend for over a year. I know for a fact that she has been with guys who were much bigger than me. Do you think my small size will be a problem for our relationship down the road? And also do you know if they make smaller size condoms? Very embarrassing… I know there are a lot of guys out there that deal with the same issues as me. Could you talk about small penis size and how to deal with it? Thank you so much!

Thanks! -Andre

P.S. is there a way to put on a condom if your uncircumsized? You should make a video about the small penis size too when you can. I know a lot of guys deal with this issue and it affects their lives.


Dear Andre,

I get a lot of questions like yours, not to worry, I’ve got your back and gone big with my answer. First and foremost, 4 1/2 inches is in the “normal” range.  I’m not a fan of statistics because people aren’t numbers but small and slightly problematic is more in the two inches and below arena.  It seems that we’ve become a bit obsessive about size by bigger showmen (in porn and the media) being more visible to the public eye (not like we needed the help) and six inches is not the middle ground but big, just to set the record straight.

Will your small size be a problem for your relationship down the road? Well, that all depends. If you worry about it, it’ll keep being a problem (worrying is praying for what you don’t want).  Are you sure that this is an issue for your lady?

How do you know for a fact that she’s been with bigger guys than you?

Are you busting out rulers in the locker room and talking shop with the boys?

Comparison is the thief of joy my friend, it is never (read:NEVER) a good idea to rival former lovers, especially in the sack.

Your chemistry will be affected by your thoughts especially about her other lovers and I’m sure your penis ain’t too happy about it. I talk quite a bit about this in a previous post, for I’m a firm advocate of having compassion for penises and the men attached to them.

Big things do come in small packages. This is certainly the case with smaller penises because they have a tendency to stimulate the g-spot more in the first few inches of the vaginal canal.  Hello vaginal orgasm, thank you for stopping by. Please come again!

And dig this- a woman’s vagina is typically only four inches in length and it widens, lubricates and warms up when excited.  In fact, at one of my sex ed trainings I was informed that a woman’s vagina molds to her partner over time.  How cool is that?  Sounds like you’re home free to me if you start having a bit more confidence and nix the comparing.

Playing On Your Soft Spot

Here’s a slightly wicked truth (not proud to share). And since we all get down on ourselves and bust out magnifying glasses on our insecurities, well, listen up to hear about the not-so-talked about declaration of war (that penis players flex)…

Some women when they are younger expect penises to look like what they’ve seen in XXX photos/videos and there’s so much talk about size (thanks to shows like Sex & the City) that it becomes an expectation.  The big ouch is that women know men’s soft spot is their package and with one word, one flinch, one expression- they’ve got you by the balls.  Some women knowingly (and to be fair, sometime unknowingly ) make this “mistake” to assert power and feel superior or worse, to wedge themselves in as “un-leavable.”  Ugh, right?  Sad but true.   I imagine that because a lot of women are scrutinizing and being scrutinized regarding their entire body (face, scent, nails, body hair, breasts, thighs, ass, legs, stomach, tightness, smell- just to name a few favorite topics) they figure one comment about one thing isn’t a big deal.  I can’t tell you how many guys have come to me and shared that they were told horrible things about their penis and how it haunted them. Well, it is a big deal folks and it’s been known to be flaunted and taken advantage of, I’m sorry to report.

As people age and acquire experience, they come to know their truth and aren’t as knocked around by their previous beliefs (one would hope).  I for one have an entirely different perspective on just about everything I once believed and penis sizes are certainly in that wisdom upgrade.

Media Make Believe






Women aren’t the only ones who stuff…




A long ago client of mine once shared that she hated the whole “no sex policy until you’re in a relationship” because she needed to know they had chemistry.  When we dug a little deeper she admitted she needed to know what his penis was like.  She had only had about five partners at the time and decided big was the way to go because that’s what she had been hearing and experiencing.  Later on in our work together, she started dating a guy who was about three inches but the sex was awesome.  She had been used to larger guys but found, after a bit of inquiry together, that she didn’t prefer large men and had only held on to that concept because of media size obsession and what her girlfriends gabbed about.

My Grandie has a great point about the size epidemic that still makes me smile… “There are three sizes in life: small, medium and Oh-My-F&^*ing-God what do you expect me to do with that?”


Having recently written an article about the Rites of Womanhood, I have to wonder how you boys deal with your growing pains and ultimately how you define “manhood.”  Your ability to procreate, get your partner off, be as big as a baby’s arm, make enough money, have a wife, have a successful career, having a massive IQ, constructing a skyscraper- none of these things define you or deem you a real man. You do, you as a being and not a doing.

We’re Human

I get it , we are human and with our big ol’ brains we analyze the hell out of what everything means.  Therefore, I’m not going to get Freudian on you and discuss theory about the penis, envy of it (for girls) or castration anxiety (for boys) but I will say that the small dick, big car concept is a way for all of us to lump in and stereotype men and their motivations.  Going out on a limb (pun #2) here but I would like to say to all the men and women out there that, gulp, size doesn’t matter.  We don’t need to supersize everything and in fact, it’s a bigger turn off to obsess about something and a lot it to rule your head(s).  Check out a previous post about the subject, Short Comings- When The Big Disappointments Come in Small Packages.

A friend of mine once shared with me that he was so self-conscious of himself that he couldn’t get an erection with new partners for at least three months.  He had a perfectly sized penis but it couldn’t go to work because of fears he had swimming around in his head(s).  The equipment is definitely important, it’s helpful if it functions upon command and desire but you’ve gotta get your mind and heart right before any magic can really happen.


As for wrapping up your happy package, I’m a major fan of Sir Richard’s line of condoms.

Not only are they uber-FUNctional and sexy looking

(I’m a sucker for packaging) but for every Sir Richard’s condom bought, they donate one condom to a country in need. “Doing good [seriously] never felt better.”

Friend them on Facebook, just do it!!

For specialty items for smaller guys, check out Condom Depot, they have something for everybody.


And lastly, a pinch of humor to ease your worried mind.

You can always put your …


Happy Holidays!

Always happy to lay it on the line,


P.S. Consider trimming your hair, the porn industry got smart and realized that lesser pubic hair the bigger the penis looked.  It’ll be an additional present for your partner for a number of reasons.

P.P.S. As far as condom use with uncircumcised penises, as long as the foreskin is pulled back when putting on the condom, it should be just fine. It’s challenging to put a condom on a flacid (soft) penis and it’s also difficult to pull back the foreskin and keep it back when it’s not erect. So with an erect penis, pull the foreskin back, place the tip of the condom at the head (while pinching, creating room for the ejaculate) and pull the body of the condom over the shaft of the penis. For a refresher course, watch my first instructional Go Ask Ella video: How to Put On a Male Condom.  Cool?


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  1. OMG! You helped me more than you can ever imagine. Thank you SO much for taking the time to educate me. You really, really helped me. Thank you Ella.

    Andre B.

    • I’m so happy to hear that Andre. I’m rooting for ya.
      Let me know how things unfold and don’t be a stranger.

      You’re SO welcome,


  2. Anonymous says:

    This post was really eye opening for me, I didn’t realize how much I valued penis size based on what I’d heard. I totally love Samantha from S&TC, she’s like my idol but I guess we kind of do get a bit ridiculous with size and how much we gossip about it.
    I have to share this one story though… Andre, you don’t have to worry about being small like this one guy I dated. I handed him a condom, heard him open it and after a few minutes asked that he finally put it on cuz I was more than ready. He then said, “it’s already on…. and in.” I couldn’t feel him AT ALL, I think he was on steroids or something cuz he was 6’4 and had the tiniest dick EVER, like half the size of a thumb, maybe one inch hard. That was the day I realized size does matter and how sad it actually is.

    • Having a one inch situation is certainly trying, how did you end up handling your guy? He must’ve been pretty sensitive about it all. Size makes an impression yes, and sometimes a sad one.

      For the record, I love me some Samantha too but she’s a way over the top caricature that in some ways thrown the female perspective on dick overdrive.
      Sex and the City was a trendsetting show that really brought sex to the table on cable and it’s been empowering for some things, certainly. However, I feel that women are portrayed as four archetypes on the show: horny, traditional, power exec and whiny princess. Kim Cattrall’s Samantha Jones made sex and more to the point, “fucking,” a woman’s sport. I can’t help but feel her theme song is “Anything you can do, I can do better” and it’s aimed at men. When asked what’s she been eating, her character indulges us with quotes like “Everything except Dante’s dick.” Trust me, if anyone can appreciate shock and bawdiness, I’m your girl (my Grandie trained me well) but sex has become crude, frank, lacking depth and even heartless in its portrayal this way. Women’s lib wasn’t just about gaining equal opportunity fucking rights, lest we forget. And with characters like Samantha, I’m concerned that we have continued to applaud and oversimplify things by having a masculine approach and preference. Having two hard-ons in the room can create a weird and unsatisfactory rating on the love meter, ya know?

      • Anonymous says:

        The guy and I only had sex once, he had a reputation for being a player and never sleeping with a girl more than once. I guess I now know why. I didn’t say anything about his size, I just went along with it until he finished.

        That Samantha video is hilarious! “It is so refreshing to be with someone who fucks outside the box.” LOL! I don’t think anyone really exists that is at all like her but she was funny as hell. It was definitely refreshing for me. BTW I want to meet your grandma!

        • A bit lonely and sad, the size of this guy sounds rare and peculiar (I wouldn’t be surprised if steroids played a role in his predicament).

          My Gran is pretty amazing, she’s tame here but just as endearing as ever, click here to sort of meet her and hear her words of wisdom.

  3. Hey, Ella!

    I asked Shantam Nityama (http://www.nityama.com/) the penis size question during a session on Skype. (He’s a tantric master who is exceptionally gifted at energy work that opens women up to their full potential.) He said to me, “Honey, you’re thousands of miles away from me on this call. If you can feel my penis energetically on your cervix at this distance, I’d say actual physical size doesn’t mean a thing.”


    Let me know if your readers want to know more about his work. I love what you’ve created here!

    • Thank you LeAnn… very interesting work indeed. I see he has a 415 area code (same as me)
      and is all up in the world of Osho. I’ve not delved into the world of tantra much, it’s always coming up in conversation though.
      Energetic penetration is something that oodles of couples could find to be more fun than a party trick that’s for certain especially for size issues.

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