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Respect, Seats Back and Tray Tables Up

Today is the final day of Diwali, the festival of lights celebrating the Hindu New Year.

d26_20763081It falls on the tail of the darkest new moon with an eclipse to boot which is why I have been inviting myself and others to really take a stand for their own divinity, reflecting on necessary changes and acting with honour.

 

Honouring the aspect within us that quietly and brightly shines its truth is a necessary and often overstepped practice.

 

Never mistake an open, beautiful heart’s giving as being weak.  To love all is a noble effort but this must be tempered by compassionate wisdom and respectful parameters.  Hence our need for a little soft side with holsters approach sometimes (thank you Frida).

Frida Pistola

Frida Pistola

 

What I mean to say is…

 

Pretend you’re a golden 747 bad ass brand new airplane.

avionescol02_09You have this palace of awesome and of course you want to share it with everyone because who doesn’t want to have a luxurious adventure?

BUT If you just let everyone and anyone in, take them anywhere they want to go, have anything they want to have, you’re going to find yourself covered in stains, with sticky floors, bites eaten out of your cushions because someone brought their poorly trained dog, an empty tank, and your pretty little plane will be in all kinds of disarray.

Fancy right? Not for long if you let the whole dang world party up in here!

Fancy right? Not for long if you let the whole dang world party up in here!

You’ll not have anything worth flying and the opulence of that generosity will just be gone, gone, gone and folks will just go to the next carrier.

This is why there are security check points, rules of admission and necessary proof of allowance at airports.  What are your regulations?

 

I’ve had an open door policy most of my life, as I fully believe relating through transparency is one of the best platforms to learn, grow, connect and be a better person.  This won’t change but how I hold standards to who has certain kinds of access is.

 

What are the qualities of character you want to embody?

Apply that question to your friends, lovers, work, home…

 

Respect and boundaries are the guards to your heart.  We all are love underneath it all but that doesn’t mean you hang out, make out or loan out to everyone.

 

Temple of the Sacred Heart by Tania Marie

Temple of the Sacred Heart by Tania Marie

Honour your life as your temple and see what action begets admission.

 

Bhai Bij is TODAY, the final day, which symbolizes the society’s respect for all women. The day gives every man the noble outlook to consider other women as their mother, sister or daughter.

 

R-E-S-P-E-C-T?  Get it!

 

With love and respect,

 

Ella

Ageism

Of the ages, when are we?  

Standing beside a scoffing twenty something last night, I kept hearing her mutter again and louder again “who brought the school bus? Pfft kids!” Apparently ageism doesn’t just swing up but down low. You see, there were about 12 kids in the pit with retainers and cute little awkward frenetic bobbing.

bat shit cray

Let me paint a fairer picture, you see there were sixteen year olds from the local arts high school going understandably bat shit crazy at a seminal concert experience: James Blake, Hollywood Forever Cemetery.

Waving their hands in the air, waving like they just didn’t care and gawking at every song, which was their “OMG, it’s my SONG!”

I had to chuckle.  It was as if the moat of cool beside the stage barricades was being soiled by teenagers and all the sophisticated purveyors of the scene should get their mosh money back.  But you can’t mosh at James Blake so I’m not sure what the fuss was all about.

Additionally, after the show an acquaintance of mine gushed about the show wowing and appreciating it but quickly quipping that “he’s only 24 years old, he doesn’t know heartbreak yet like mine.” I don’t know about that.  Firstly, he’s now an old man at 25 years old now.  He’s an insane talent and I don’t think one can cause mood and sway like he does without some vast understanding of what lies beneath.  Yup, definite baby face but rich and textured heart, see my case in point:

WOW WOW WOW right?

So at lunch the next day, my jazz singer chanteuse friend and I began to discuss when someone is “old enough.”  Old enough to sing a song, old enough to appreciate good music and have taste, to write, et cetera et cetera.

She was often told what she could or couldn’t sing when she was a young lass.  For instance she was given some serious eyebrow raises for wanting to sing a haunting Billie Holiday song about bruised and battered eyes when she was 14.  But she did it anyway.

When do you get validated as legit? When you’re legal?

I think I was way more dark and creatively sparked when I was in my teens and early twenties.  I certainly had a wrenched heart ten times over by the time I was James Blake’s age.  Wow, that made me feel and sound oldish.  However, at 31 years old  I personally can’t wait to be a sexy grandma.

bea

I guess some things remain the same.  What’s cooler than being cool?  Being ice cold and nay saying.  Better to be a Dorothy Parker super Debbie Downer than an applause giver I suppose but I’m just not.  I’m a gushing thumbs up high fiver when I like something let alone when I love it.

Let’s revisit some applause worthy youths of yesteryear:
fiona_apple-tidal-frontal1

  • Fiona Apple began creating Tidal tracks at 17.
  • Lykke Li killed it with her debut album Youth Novels at 22.
  • Jeff Buckley recorded one of my favorite albums of all time at 27 and still is haunting me.
  • Billie Holiday discovered at 18 years of haggard, hard youth.
  • Frances Bacon started his four decades of brilliance in Parliament at the ripe old age of 24 (in 1584).
  • King Tut
  • Napoleon II
  • John Keats (passed away at 25)
  • Buddy Holly (died at 22)
  • James Dean (lived to age 24)

 

 

Do I really need to list all the artists who were well loved and a part of the 27 Club?
To name a few who bloomed and left us too soon:

  • Jimi Hendrixrobert-johnson
  • Janis Joplin
  • Basquiat
  • Kurt Cobain
  • Jim Morrison
  • Brian Jones of the Rolling Stones
  • Amy Winehouse
  • Robert Johnson (pictured right —–>)

Historical Notable Youths:

1) The most notable over the years aside from Shirley Temple’s Oscar worthiness would be Wolfie Mozart as he began composing as a tot pre-adult teeth.

Malala-Yousafzai-03

2) Malala of Pakistan, (pictured above) the latest nominee for a Nobel Peace Prize at gasp, sweet 16 and she’s one of the most well-spoken and profound hearts I’ve heard speak. Watch This Incredible Young Woman Render Jon Stewart Speechless.
3)  Marie Curry discovered two unknown elements: polonium & radium at 20 or just shy of it.
4) Alexander the Great (although he was majorly in the category of “I know everything already”) founded his first colony at 16.
5) Mary Shelley wrote Frankenstein at 16.
6) Joan of Arc got all God talky and led the French army into victory as a teen with barely budding bubbies all before turning 20 years old.

In a time where most of us LOL and hashtag while we text “cuz cant talk now, TTYL ” perhaps we may not be as literate or accomplished but hearts need no date of birth to be rendered useful or feeling.

Don’t get me wrong, Marianne Faithfull’s As Tears Go By has way more weight in her twilight years and Nina Simone seriously sauced it up after some years of spicy lovemaking.  It seems to me that age is still JUST a number and doesn’t offer legitimacy as far as artistry and deep feeling/thought goes.

Just sayin’…

Feel it all,

Ella

P.S. I’m standing up in the bleacher seats with love for a Kiwi teenager who is bringing it down and brilliantly. Lorde.  Peep her here on KCRW’s Morning Becomes Eclectic (MBE is my bible essentially).

Can We Be Lovers & Not Have Sex Appreciation

can-men-and-women-just-be-friends-Google-Search

Please enjoy this expression on Elephant Journal today from Brentan Schellenbach along with her use of ampersand in the title…

 

My only Go Ask Ella edits would be to add that we should aim to RISE in love and most definitely not fall.  We can love all by being authentically ourselves and not everyone can have a home in our heart, set up camp there and have access to you however you can always come from a place of love.  Love is the basic, love is the foundation for all interactions and sex does not love make nor vice versa. Here here, touché in the literal and figurative sense.

Can We Be Lovers & Not Have Sex

I want a life of a million lovers.

I want to love you.

I want to love you if you are male or female, young or old, single or married…

When I see you we will embrace and hold a hug long enough to glimpse some insight from each other’s heartbeat.

When we walk down the street we shall link arms, pause frequently, and turn our toes and noses towards the other to speak directly without modesty.

I would like us to share the couch together, rather than creating a “do not cross” line where we may as well be sitting on brick blocks seated four feet away. Give me your knee, your foot, your thigh—let your body dangle on top of my body so I can know you the way litters of kittens know each other.

I want to show up to you and look into your eyes instead at your eyes. I want to feel your hand and be consumed by it until the rest of the world ceases to exist. I want to be in your presence and be in want of nothing.

I would like you to leave our time together feeling loved and free and full of your most vibrant and luscious hue of you-ness.

Please do not get confused: I do not want to have sex with you—whether you are male or female.

I have no sexual agenda, as you know, because we laugh at the freedom we feel to speak to strangers for reasons other than because we have to or because we’re hitting on them.

For me, sharing sex with someone requires a certain alignment, and I do not take that lightly. My sex requires that I can possibly foresee living with a person and combining all my stuff with all of their stuff (and I mean physical, emotional, cognitive and spiritual stuff—the stuff that just feels heavy if it’s not the right fit, but feels buoyant beyond imagination when it is). It is delicate, it is careful, it is not presumptuous or impulsive.

And I do not think that our connection is somehow weakened because we do not share our bodies with each other.

For love is love is love is love, and that is what I want.

I only want us to fall in love.

{*I would add, rise in love, LET’S RISE IN LOVE. xoxo Ella}

Now I realize that at some point, either you or I may change our minds and crave sexual expression with each other.

For I am human—as are you—and we have wants that change and grow.

But if that desire should spring upon one of us, I hope that we will talk about it, the way we talk about the universe, cultural tropes, the nature of depression, what makes a good cup of coffee, and how your day was yesterday.

I hope that that topic of conversation is no more avoided than talking about the latest episode of Doctor Who or how to effectively clean one’s mouth from Oreo breath.

I would like you to share yourself with me—every stitch of you—so that I may be warmed and nourished by your tapestry. And I would not like you to worry that some of your threading is inappropriate or uncomfortable to share with me, because I am only here to accept you exactly as you are and to take interest in the way you step through life.

So lay on me your doubts, your troubles, your faux pas, your suffering, your sadness. Lay on me your hopes, your dreams, your excitements, your curiosities, your guilty pleasures.

I want to see you how you see yourself.

And while you tell me all of this and more, I would like to rest my eyes upon your eyes, and take my hand upon your back, and laugh up to the ceiling as you divulge, because it is in these moments of pure exposure that I bask in the ever-so-specific you, and I become the ever-so-specific me, and even though you’ve never stepped into the tides of the pacific and I’ve never ridden a skateboard, I am more sure than I’ve ever been that we are the same.

I don’t care if I see you everyday or if I see you only just the one time when I happened to be in that coffee shop and you happened to be making my drink (which was delicious, by the way, and thank you for not rolling your eyes when I asked if your only non-dairy milk was soy)—I want to be your lover.

And I will have the lover whom I share a bed with, and it will be none the less—on the contrary, that love will be all the more—because I take on another million lovers.

So if you’re ready, let me see you and let me love you.

My insides, my arm, my couch, my laugh, my eyes, my toes are all for you.

I hope that is enough.

 

 

L&D

 

L&D

Labor and Delivery.

Life and Death.

Liza and David/ Lyze and Dad

 

L&D means a lot of things to me but when I came across the wedding present pendants I gave my parents, I knew I had to listen to my friends’ suggestion to write.  I took this picture and being inspired I wrote, I deleted, I walked away and I came back to write this.

Being a doula for me has always meant honoring both sides of the gate.
When you’re sitting by the door of life entering, you’re acutely aware of the exiting and how that shift is but a thin, beautiful, divine veil.
I just didn’t realize how much this year would play out the death/life dance with me.  Five funerals, lots of serious illnesses and many births. In short, life.

The story we tell, the clock that chimes, the falling down and feeling like a puddle of helpless, the heat rising on your back with desire, the disappointment, the longing to be seen and to see, the rhythm of standing, eating, sleeping, making love, taking pills, breathing, driving, resting -it’s a practice of witnessing and participating.

I witnessed an incredible birth this summer. I watched as a mother surrendered to her wisdom, communicating with her daughter inside of her and without medication, redirecting the concept of pain into intense waves.  After the initial crowning, the little one opened her eyes even before she was all the way here, outside of her mama, and she looked at me.  In the space of that moment, I felt nothing and everything because it was life looking back at itself.  I was speechless in mouth and mind. My eyes couldn’t weep because they were just empty and humble. I saw her.  I knew her and I honored her, her family and was grateful to bear witness to her first hour of being.

Have you ever judged yourself for not being more emotional?  I used to be quite a stream of water works. It’s a funny switch when you’ve got the space to watch your feelings and make the choice or just experience being unattached to them. Moving into a more devotional space and less reactionary, I’ve felt strange in the course of this year that my eyes don’t tear as much and I feel like a watcher.  It’s like the story I’m watching isn’t mine and yet my perspective is entirely unique and mine.  To behold the birth of a being is so humbling because it’s not about you and your story, it’s about listening to what’s needed from a quieter, stronger, less heady and more rooted place. So it is with all things, birth and death serve as bookmarks, reminders, grabbers to behold your attention.

I’m witnessing now the other side of the veil as we come into autumn.  It’s gentle, it’s warm, it’s sweet, it’s a deep surrender as well.
My second mom was diagnosed with an incredibly rare brain cancer in April and in the course of these last few days her ability to talk, walk and even swallow has become limited due to the pressure of the growing tumor in the stem where her nerves live.  She has incredible courage and is just doing everything to take care of herself and not give up hope.
We agree that her state is one of healing and our little team mantra is “Liza is healing.”  Her tumor acted as a little buddy of a wake up call for her to be present for her life as the one she was “living” wasn’t fulfilling her.
My father is full time being her caretaker and she’s care taking him to remind him to be present, watch his energy and move from doing all that needs to be done but also laughing and living.  It’s a delicate balance between doing all the “stuff” to “get better” and to also just straight be here and enjoy life.  We’re in limbo between knowing if she’ll be accepted by the FDA as a clinical trial candidate for alternative therapies that have had great success.  Two weeks we’ll know. However, in this past week her functionality is in question and we’re looking for how to approach the next chapter.

My dad and Liza met sixteen years ago.  She has continuously spoiled me with love and brilliance, she’s been a great teacher and friend, sharp as a tack and a fighter for virtue.

aruba D&L

The woman ran a health care service for seniors and those in need in the Bay Area, she was on call to people all the time in addition to being a lawyer, a web designer, award winning tennis semi pro, wife, dog lover and speed racer who arguably has lived her life in the fast lane. In short, if anyone can overcome this little buddy and invite him to leave, it’s her.

The level of commitment and care that my Dad and Liza have for their partnership is profound as they wobble in the unknown.  They’re just in it, they’re bobbing and weaving, shaking and rolling, no matter where the dice land.

Our parents are our first teachers.  And today, they are teaching me about grace and human-ness as I hold them.  There are moments that are awkward and moments we’re grateful to find our flow again.  Errands feel amazing.  Deciphering her words reminds me, gives us patience and gratitude for the moments of clarity.  The ability to speak, swallow and giving up the steering wheel, literally and figuratively is a daily unraveling of knowing what you can do and can’t do.

Surrender has a whole new meaning to me, again and again and again. It’s strange to watch a person know when to ask for help when she’s so fiercely independent.

I haven’t spoken much about my family nor my life of late because I’m just in it and taking time to watch it.
We are all writers, writing our stories every day and I’m finding more and more that I’m the space between the telling and more and more I’m the listening.
I’m the prayer in action, I’m the tender and I have less to say.

Liza’s quality of life is changing, it’s less comfortable and it’s unpredictable just like birth.
She’s so present, it’s beautiful and in her fragility she is grace and is so committed to life, giving it all she has and simultaneously accepting that this may be her time to leave this body.

I can’t control what happens, I can only be here and offer my heart just as I did the wee one that came through in July.

I’m grateful to live my life, to make choices that honor the life I’m getting to live and remembering that showing up sometimes just means working from your computer while eating snacks on the couch.  An hour makes a difference. Smelling and hearing your loved ones tinker about the house is something I’ve sorely missed.  This modern world offers skype for connection and texting, which is great, but I’ll take real face time over FaceTime and emoticons any day and it takes big effort to make that happen.

Take the time to use your words wisely this week, our speech is a gift.  Be grateful for the minutes you spend with those around you, it’s your life you’re giving and sharing with them.

xo

Once you care…

fucked

Simply stated, fair enough.

 

For a more pour you a cup of tea and become swaddled in morning warmth around being fucked, I invoke Kahlil Gibran’s words on Love:

 

     When love beckons to you, follow him,
     Though his ways are hard and steep.
     And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
     Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
     And when he speaks to you believe in  him,
     Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
 
     For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.
     Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
     Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun.
     So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
     Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
     He threshes you to make you naked.
     He sifts you to free you from your husks.
     He grinds you to whiteness.
     He kneads you until you are pliant.
     And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God’s sacred feast.
 
     All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life’s heart.
 
     But if in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure,
     Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing-floor,
     Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

 

 

Caring sometimes isn’t a choice but your reaction (to everything) is.

Question the mind, honor the heart and when you’re faced with feeling really red (or read) all over because you can’t hide how you feel, feel it and witness it.

The aspect of you that bears witness is the kinder one, the compassionate one and sometimes being fucked is what we sign up for so we can have our branches pruned to bear better, sweeter fruit.

Mastering our emotions isn’t a destination, a place you get to and kick off your shoes, hang your hat and be done with.  We feel, if we didn’t we’d be sociopaths however being tossed around by our emotions is our opportunity to learn to surf and witness our story.

tidal wave novel

Hang ten?

 

Love,

 

Ella

 

 

Happy New Moon (Vedic aka Old School Style)

new moon

I know y’all are all about the Lion times of Leo coming up but according to Vedic planetary science goodness we’re still up in Cancer for this new moon and boy oh boy, girl oh girl this feels spot on…
“The New Moon happens in Cancer On August 6, around 5:45 PM Eastern time. Cancer is a sign where we connect to the heart, in-depth – rather than riding the waves of emotion, which is more on the surface. Unfortunately because we lack introspection, most are very disconnected from the heart. In fact, this is why we tend to mistake something as beautiful as “love” as inherently painful and tragic. The truth is, love is the most beautiful force in the universe, but we are mistaking the feeling that comes from unmet desire and the psychology of the ego and its separateness, for “Love”. – Vedic Astrology Center

Happy New Moon to you all…

Cheating On Yourself With…


oooooh the options!

  • mac n’ chez
  • not meditating
  • drama
  • cheese
  • sexting
  • busyness
  • cigarettes
  • cheese
  • one too many drinks
  • pessimism
  • watching gay porn and masturbating all day
  • reading old journals and letters
  • staying up too late
  • cheese
  • talking to/about old flames
  • dating people that your friends have on the do not call list
  • your credit card during Bloomingdale’s summer sales
  • your work out routine (or lack thereof)
  • cookies after midnight (think Gizmo and Gremlins)
  • [insert weak spot here]

 oscar-wilde-on-temptation

You know the drill- you make an agreement about who you want to be and then you start putting things on the “To Not Do” list.  Perhaps with summer aflutter and in full effect you’ve decided to not eat so much pasta or that you’re going to go the gym, yoga, run in the hills three times a week and you’re most certainly not going to mess around with people you shouldn’t ( the past, old flames or new ones that aren’t meeting your requirements, et cetera).

It doesn’t help that EVERYONE has a tip or flip on this.

Oh goodness me!

I’ve been listening a lot this week and it’s just so up for everyone, that I thought I’d add my Go Ask Ella two cents.

Getting more advice in and of itself is a temptation sometimes, too.  What to do or not do?

The present moment is a practice to be more and more of who you are and align with your actions AND you’re human so you “fuck up”.

I don’t like saying “fuck up” or “mistake” because that too seems inaccurate. Let’s call them misfirings defined as: you make a decision that you don’t feel so fucking great about deep down and it’s a misfire that allows you to know what your target is (albeit after A LOT of misfires).

greek-statues2

We are free unless we are enslaved by desire/passion according to the Greeks AKA “Sophrosyne;” simply put ‘mens sana in corpore sano‘ (“a healthy mind in a healthy body”).

Of the dangers carried by aphodisia, dishonor was not the most serious; the greatest danger was bondage to them. – Foucault, The Use of Pleaseure (Volume 2 of The History of Sexuality), 79.

Michel Foucault, in his analyzing of eroticism and the politics of a gay old era, offers the reflections of Socrates and Diogenes in the chapter entitled “Freedom and Truth.” Between the bedsheets up to the laureled crowns it’s noted that a good ruler was one who wasn’t subject to gluttony, incapable of mastering his own desires and a tyrant, well, they were prone to abuse their power.

What are you bonded to?  

As the ruler of ourselves, what do we do when we cheat on us?  We bullshit ourselves out of or into a situation that we know “isn’t serving our highest good” by saying perhaps- “just this once” or rebel and go into “fuck it, I only live once?”  Hmmmm, perhaps patience is the greatest ruler and within an age of immediate gratification (likes, shares, invites, options aplenty), it’s hard to know what is best day in and day out let alone for the long run.

 

Chanting, meditating, getting into your body  and taking care of it certainly assists your mind in relaxing it’s tight hold on ruling.  The heart is a better master but let it not confuse you either, the subtle heart is found through constant, quiet reflective listening and it’s not impulsive or loud.

 

I’m opting for tea instead of a milkshake, for now, sigh (although I REALLY, REALLY want one!).

 

 

truth

truth

 

Saying yes is saying no to something else.

Make sure it’s not YOU you’re saying no to.

 

Love you, you virtuous freedom flyers,

 

Ella

 

P.S. For the record, I’ve moved through the need to stay in bed all day and watch gay porn, I have hope for the rest of you.   Thanks South Korea!

 

 

Nothin’ But Time

timeTime and Space

Sometimes we don’t know when to honor these lovely little items.
Pardon, they’re not items, they’re concepts and somehow we manage to exist in them.
More to the point, I grew up in a household that preached “never leave in a fight or go to bed upset” and I’ve been challenged in my life when things aren’t “cool”.

I don’t know about you but I’ve had a tendency to rush the forgiveness and healing process a bit because, well, I’m impatient and I like to get back to the “good stuff.”

But maybe the good stuff is just as relevant, necessary and fun as the “funky stuff.”

Bumping heads with people is bound to happen whether you’re at work, at grocery stores, at family holiday get togethers, at concerts, at moments when you’re not being conscious.

I think somewhere I swallowed the idea that only one person at a time can lead, shine or be right.

Here’s the reality check – if you’re operating from love and care, all the other stuff fades and falls away.
We get to be awesome mirrors and space holders for people to lose their shit and learn about themselves, myself included.

I will say I’m incredibly grateful for anyone and everyone that takes the time to be honest with themselves and each other (and remembers to have compassion and patience when doing so).
Thank you for the constant lesson that pissiness, sharpness and downright meanness is more about the places inside us we don’t love and an opportunity to choose how to be.

With little time to eat, sleep and stop to chew these days, I appreciate the opportunity to reflect on time and space, thank you for giving it and receiving it.

“Ain’t got nothin’ but time and time ain’t got nothin’ on you.

Your world is just beginning, it’s up to you to be your super hero.

It’s up to you, to be like nobody.” – Cat Power

You can think about things a million different ways, only one way to feel about them.

Just be you, forgive and give things time (a waterfall of it).
Here’s to another day with a thousand more noble opportunities to be more spontaneously and tenderly yourself.

To the continuum,

Ella

Ready To Wear Sociology

I was thinking today about how many faces we wear in our day to day…

 

You know we all put up a front for occasions sometimes unknowingly and sometimes VERY knowingly.

 

“And to the degree that the individual maintains a show before others that he himself does not believe, he can come to experience a special kind of alienation from self and a special kind of wariness of others.”

Erving Goffman, The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life

 

As a sociologist second and a human first, I enjoy owning how I’ve shown up over the years.

Recognize or relate to any of these?

The I'm Fine, No Really

The “I’m Fine, No Really”

 

 

 

The Innocent

The Innocent, I swear

 

 

 

The Deny

The Deny

 

 

 

The Too Busy

The Too Busy

 

 

 

The Seduction/Narcissist

The “I Love Me Especially In Hats”     (AKA The Unbearable Lightness of Being)

 

 

 

 

 

The “Less Talk, More Wrestle”

 

The Hunky Dory (AKA Stuff Face with Ice Cream)

The Hunky Dory (AKA Stuff Face with Ice Cream)

 

 

 

 

 

The Beg

The Beg

 

 

 

shut the fuck up

The Know It All

 

 

The "I Roll With Bad Ass Bitches"

The “I Roll With Bad Ass Bitches”

 

The Turn Your Back

The Turn Your Back

 

 

 

The Heart Chakra Approach

The Heart Chakra Approach

 

 

 

snufflin

The “Putting On The Ritz”

 

 

 

The Awesome/Righteous

The Excellent

 

 

 

 

The Uh Oh

The Hide

 

 

 

 

The Sociologist

The Sociologist


And finally, The "Don't Fuck With Me I'm Living My Life Like It's Golden"

And finally, The “Don’t Fuck With Me, I’m Living My Life Like It’s Golden”

Happy Friday to all your beautiful faces…

xoxo

Ella

The Price of Invulnerability

 

Brené Brown  talks about how the new help group ala AA should be for “busy-ness” and I thinks she’s right.

 

We stay busy and keep our plates full so we don’t have time to stop, swallow and digest the little and big things.

 

Super Hero?  Bang, zoom, to the moon!

Super Hero? Bang, zoom, to the moon!

If we’re not living on purpose we fill ourselves with tons of chaos and fixings to stay busy.  What is there to fix?

If staying busy is what means your life is worthwhile, you’ve got another thing coming.

Here’s the catch, if you’re not taking care of yourself and honoring what your heart enjoys about life, then you’re not living.

Instead of pretending I’m invincible and “I’m fine”, I’ve given up telling people the full spectrum of what’s going in my life because it’s a lot right now and I believe it’s A LOT for A LOT of people. Lots of transitions in all kinds of relationships- work, love, family, trust.  Death has been smiling at me and it’s been daunting and simultaneously shaking me in my sleep that I don’t get enough of.

 

 

What am I learning?

  • It’s important to be discerning on who you share with, how you share and when especially when it’s big shit. Sometimes it’s just not appropriate to tell the cashier at Whole Foods who is asking how you are as a social nicety that your cat’s dying or you’re on your way to a funeral, again.   I’ve learned that it’s probably not best to allow your ex to treat you to a night cap and also best to not text your ex, anything, unless you don’t want him to remain your ex. Don’t mistake full disclosure with vulnerability and pick and choose wisely.  I don’t think I really understood the word appropriate until this year.
  • Certain stories are meant for your journal and no one else.
  • Being honest and upset is sometimes really inconvenient, especially when you’ve had too much to drink and you can’t get out of your dress by yourself.  I’ve learned that eating well, sleeping well, keeping good company and doing nice things for yourself makes pretty much any bad day a bajillion times better.
  • It’s a good day when you can actually get to do something that makes you feel good -dance, do yoga, listen to a wise soul, take the time to read and let someone make you laugh.  Being in connection with what gives you joy will soothe your soul and show you where you’re out of alignment with it.
  • Being present is the greatest gift you can offer even if it means 22 extra hours of driving that week or only getting 3 hours of sleep. I’ve learned that you learn who your real friends are over and over again and ultimately, how much of a friend you are to yourself in listening to your gut instincts.  You break old habits by being aware of them, making different choices and practice being who you want to be and you can be really fucking proud of that.
  • To not mistake my friends for therapists and that the best medicine can often be you listening to someone else’s crazy.
  • By rescuing everyone else, it can be really hard to ask for help.
  • It’s easy to become addicted to being busy, being tired, being in complaint, seeking and processing.
  • Fighting anything, be it cancer, the end of a relationship, your boss, your weight, your past, your skin, your desire, your addictions, isn’t going to help you win.

Creating a battle or a fight keeps you busy playing with fire instead of understanding the depths of your emotions and ultimately, experiencing life.  It’s happening right now, RIGHT NOW, where are you and why are you wasting your time trying to beat it?

The only thing that is unforgiving is time and yet it’s our greatest gift.

I was asked today to start living my life just for me and when I really asked myself, “am I?” I got queasy.

If I wasn’t running around busying myself, unconsciously and unsuccessfully proving I’m enough to Tom, Dick, Harry and Peggy Sue, what would I be doing?
If I wasn’t spending the past ten years, if not all of them, trying to make everyone else happy and be the girlfriend, daughter, friend that I thought they wanted- who would I be?  Who is that person?

In the chaos, find the beauty.  The ebb and flow of loss and birth doesn’t clock out and have a day off or a paid vacation.  Ride the wave with more grace by trusting the water and yourself.  Be humble, know you’re on borrowed time that you signed up for and how you feel, what you choose (thoughts, actions, etc) are opportunities to make this world better when you leave it.

You are the artist of your life, paint it black, red, pink, sparkly, blue, green- whatever, just paint, make a mess and give yourself a gold star for it.