This is a weird question but I just don’t know what to do or who to ask. I’m kind of embarrassed that I can’t figure this out on my own (and I don’t want anyone to know).
My girlfriend won’t have sex with me unless the lights are off, I don’t think I’ve ever
really seen naked and it freaks me out. When she’s a bit drunk she allows the lights to be dimmed (like candle style) so I know she’s not a dude or anything and she’s BEAUTIFUL. She just says that she can’t have sex with the lights on and won’t offer any explanation. I get really turned on by looking at her but she won’t have it. I think it’s because she thinks she’s fat and yah she’s curvy but it’s hella sexy to me. Help a brother out here. What the hell do I do?
Steven in SF
You know what’s crazy to me? That this “lights out” scenario is pretty standard and in my opinion, sad. I’m all for going green and saving on electricity but keeping the lights off, is turn off (afternoon bedding anyone?). Not being seen in the bedroom is a sad state of affairs and it stems from a number of issues but that’s why we get into relationships- to work on ourselves. Here’s my take on the basis of this situation.
You noted that she “thinks she’s fat” and when someone is not comfortable in their body, they are troubled by being naked (especially in front of others). But there’s something bigger going on here and I’m not talking about width of your lady’s waist, it’s a layering of protection and being naked isn’t just about being nude. I believe that folks carrying weight is a form of protection, insulation. When it comes to physical intimacy, the hormones still want some action but from a distance (hence the lights out). I think curves are scrumpdidliumptious too and yet if your girl isn’t accepting of who she is, it proves to be quite difficult for her to accept your love of the va-voom and all that she is.
The question comes up for her is probably: “how could he love this about me when I can’t?”
Be sensitive to your girlfriend and also challenge her. Ask her what she needs to feel more safe. Maybe just being intimate with her and not having sex will radically effect that. Kissing and adoring her and without an objective (sex) could rock her world.
Also, it’s often the case that being completely “seen” is just too intense for people (kinda crazy, I know but it’s true) because they don’t feel like someone else can hold it down for them. Whether that’s the oh-face (some don’t feel so sexy when they lose control and don’t know what they look like) or it’s just being naked, truly naked, folks get a little whacked out. It’s a loss of control and complete vulnerability that is so terrifying and that’s why alcohol is such a well-liked lubricant to get the ball rolling. Alcohol allows us to check out and not care and shut the mind up but it also dulls the experience so it doesn’t fully penetrate us (yet again keeping a distance from really feeling what’s going on).
Here’s an exercise that I’d recommend: holding gaze. One of the most intense and beautiful ways to connect with another individual is to be completely present, without words or touch and just hold gaze from eye to eye while sitting across from one another for five minutes (which will feel like a lifetime). Like meditating, there will be impulses to stop and distractions will come but fight them. Do this and just feel what it’s like to see her (for all that she is) and allow her to see you. Emotions will come to the surface, her insecurities and yours will become visible. Do this clothed and in a comfortable environment, lights on and no sound. Then talk about what came up for you together. Meeting each other eye to eye, heart to heart is a powerful way to balance out the fear into love and acceptance. Go team!
There are so many things that could be causing your woman’s need to shut down and shut out the lights but she wants to let you in so help her by really holding space and really showing up. It could take deep work to peel back the layers of her walls and she may need support outside of what you’re able to provide. Coaching, therapy, yoga, meditation- these are things that could really support her growth too. Her development is her responsibility but you can be a great help and one of the greatest gifts a lover can give is their complete and total presence. Express that you’re not going anywhere and you love her and you accept her for everything she is, unconditionally. That is an aphrodisiac and a half, let me tell ya. Command love, be love and lead by example as a true man.
Go get ‘em tiger,
Per your requests and pleas, I dove into the deep end and put myself out there today and submitted my audition for a TV show.
Check out my video submission and vote for me, pretty please with cherries on top!
More than anything I’m excited by the idea of just one person catching my message
and getting inspired. This could go so many places and I’m just excited about stepping up to the plate
regardless of the outcome.
Spread the word, tell your friends, copy and paste this link and VOTE VOTE VOTE!!!!
Ella’s Audition: Ella Says Let’s Talk About Sex!!! – OWN TV
Thank ya in advance!!
P.S. You can vote as many time as you’re physically capable of lifting your finger and pressing down, the voting stops June 26th! Tell your friends, tell you non-friends, tell anybody and everybody!!
When you’re inspired to be love, don’t hold back, it’s a gift
coming through you because someone somewhere needs it.
In honor of quite a few loves who are going through some big shifts, challenges and heartbreak,
I offer this song to you today. Know that you are in the arms of angels.
You like? I’m in love with it, this new Go Ask Ella beats the pants of the old one!
A ginormous thank you to Amanda Krill (www.amandakrill.com) for designing this creation with me.
Also a love-filled shout out to my wildly inspiring and though-provoking professor, Linda Van Leuven, my unconditional support system aka Mom (Jacqueline Guest), my go-to health know-it-all and dear friend (Kim Riccelli), my father and uber-fantastic editor (David Lauser), my legal savvy and sassy step-mother (Liza Cozad), my constant cheer leader and friend (David Ley), majorly “in-the-know” friend Hillary Rubin, as well as my ridiculously awesome family and friends crew (Monique Manning, Amber Buck, Amber Isham, Dr. Deb & Dr. Brian Herman, Yogi Hendlin, Niki DeWitt, Russell Feingold, DeFracia Evans, Dina Marinelli Brandt, Don Guest, Chris Whitman, Ashley Turner, Holly Taylor, Kathleen Mirtoni, and a bajillion more that I adore).
To Mama Kia and your sacred Peru, you inspired this fire inside my heart to follow this dream, bless your soul, I love you.
Thank you for being the super mama that you were and continue to be.
Your passion to serve and love with encourages us all to step up and be amazing.
And to you fans, new and brand spankin’ new- this is for you. Thank you.
So much gratitude to be doing what I love and being able to offer that back to so many in such a perfect forum.
This past week has been full of go-gadget go moments and has flipped me all around like a triple somersault trampoline circus in a bouncey house.
Managing time, energy, to-do lists, desires…. I figured you, too, get knocked around and may have trouble balancing it all.
Youtube allows me to record and publish videos immediately on the site for your viewing pleasure so I took a moment today to share some insights with you.
Check it out, watch below
Think about it… what’s one thing you can do today to move forward with something and what’s one treat you can bestow upon yourself?
Do it, be it!
And, don’t forget to submit your suggestion for the theme of the upcoming teleconference Q&A call, if I choose your idea- you get access to the call for free!
Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and I’ll be back next Monday with the answer to the question of the week!
It’s gonna be a good one! Oh and if you don’t know what Lightning in a Bottle is…
Well, the moment has arrived and I’m so so so excited!
I’m going to hold my first EVER live teleconference call so you can all tune in anonymously and get some Go Ask Ella love and I’ll open the floor to questions that you want answered.
And you could win access to the call for free…. check out the video!
I don’t think I could wiggle and wag my tail more!
I’m tickled pink by the idea of asking you to help me set the tone of theevening by suggesting what you want me to talk about.
So, get on it and put on your thinking caps and email me ASAP! goaskella at gmail dot com (that’s disguised for spambots…)
More details to come about date/price but I wanted to let you in on the big news and make it possible to really cover what you most want to know!
How to be more confident in bed? In life? There are a thousand places I could go with this call so tell me what’s crucial to you!