Hey Steven,

You know what’s crazy to me? That this “lights out” scenario is pretty standard and in my opinion, sad. I’m all for going green and saving on electricity but keeping the lights off, is turn off (afternoon bedding anyone?). Not being seen in the bedroom is a sad state of affairs and it stems from a number of issues but that’s why we get into relationships- to work on ourselves. Here’s my take on the basis of this situation.

You noted that she “thinks she’s fat” and when someone is not comfortable in their body, they are troubled by being naked (especially in front of others). But there’s something bigger going on here and I’m not talking about width of your lady’s waist, it’s a layering of protection and being naked isn’t just about being nude. I believe that folks carrying weight is a form of protection, insulation. When it comes to physical intimacy, the hormones still want some action but from a distance (hence the lights out). I think curves are scrumpdidliumptious too and yet if your girl isn’t accepting of who she is, it proves to be quite difficult for her to accept your love of the va-voom and all that she is.
The question comes up for her is probably: “how could he love this about me when I can’t?”

Be sensitive to your girlfriend and also challenge her. Ask her what she needs to feel more safe. Maybe just being intimate with her and not having sex will radically effect that. Kissing and adoring her and without an objective (sex) could rock her world.

Also, it’s often the case that being completely “seen” is just too intense for people (kinda crazy, I know but it’s true) because they don’t feel like someone else can hold it down for them. Whether that’s the oh-face (some don’t feel so sexy when they lose control and don’t know what they look like) or it’s just being naked, truly naked, folks get a little whacked out. It’s a loss of control and complete vulnerability that is so terrifying and that’s why alcohol is such a well-liked lubricant to get the ball rolling. Alcohol allows us to check out and not care and shut the mind up but it also dulls the experience so it doesn’t fully penetrate us (yet again keeping a distance from really feeling what’s going on).

Here’s an exercise that I’d recommend: holding gaze. One of the most intense and beautiful ways to connect with another individual is to be completely present, without words or touch and just hold gaze from eye to eye while sitting across from one another for five minutes (which will feel like a lifetime). Like meditating, there will be impulses to stop and distractions will come but fight them. Do this and just feel what it’s like to see her (for all that she is) and allow her to see you. Emotions will come to the surface, her insecurities and yours will become visible. Do this clothed and in a comfortable environment, lights on and no sound. Then talk about what came up for you together. Meeting each other eye to eye, heart to heart is a powerful way to balance out the fear into love and acceptance. Go team!

There are so many things that could be causing your woman’s need to shut down and shut out the lights but she wants to let you in so help her by really holding space and really showing up. It could take deep work to peel back the layers of her walls and she may need support outside of what you’re able to provide. Coaching, therapy, yoga, meditation- these are things that could really support her growth too. Her development is her responsibility but you can be a great help and one of the greatest gifts a lover can give is their complete and total presence. Express that you’re not going anywhere and you love her and you accept her for everything she is, unconditionally. That is an aphrodisiac and a half, let me tell ya. Command love, be love and lead by example as a true man.

Go get ‘em tiger,

Ella