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Honour The Heart

Happy Heart Day to you!

TEDx offered a beautiful valentine’s honoring this morning and I give it to you humbly and so joyfully.

xoxo
Ella

Turning Japanese, I really think so…

Hi Ella,

I’ve got a confession to make and I’m hoping you can shed some light on the subject…
I’ve got a bad habit of being nosey, especially when it comes to my boyfriends.

So I was kind of on my boyfriend’s computer (which he’s given me the password to) because I was checking email and stuff when I spent the night. Well, I typed in his search browser the letter “A” and up popped all these previous searches on Asian girls. I AM NOT ASIAN, I’m anything but and I began to snoop a bit in his bookmarked stuff (I couldn’t help myself).

Not only did I find tons of asian girl porn sites (mostly Japanese) but some other stuff too, stuff that we’ve never talked about and certainly haven’t done (like three ways and gargantuan breasts -and I’m not chesty either).

It freaked me out, can we say TMI???? and now I don’t know what to do. Do you think he’s more likely to cheat on me because I’m not asian or stacked? Do I tell him I snooped? I’m not traditional or conservative but I feel upset and very insecure. I totally don’t want to eat sushi with him like ever again.

Help! – Nosey Nancy

Dear Nosey Nancy,

Definitely lay off the sushi for a second and get a hold of your slippery fish insecurities.
Well, well, well- got a little too much information in that whirling brain of yours to process huh? Some stones are better left unturned and sometimes we only know this after the fact. I get that you didn’t intentionally seek out these secrets of the far east (great subject title by the way, I love that song by The Vapors do-do-do-do-do-do) but you did make a choice to dive in and do further “research.”

I just got this image in my mind, remember the kid who drank out of the chocolate river at the Wonka Chocolate Factory even though he was told not to… well, he fell in and got stuck in that tube and then got shot out like a cannon to the fudge room.
Congratulations, you’re my little Augustus Gloop for the day, fudge! It’s okay though, I’ll be your personal Oompa Loompa. Just like Augustus, you’re in a sticky situation that if you listened to your gut instinct instead of your voracious appetite, you would have avoided this mess. I get it though, it was tempting. I forgive you, can you forgive yourself?

All right, let’s break it down on how to clean this up…

Realize that men are more visual creatures than us ladies, statistically, and they don’t get emotionally caught up in their fantasies like we do. There isn’t enough time in the day for guys to go out and fulfill their sexual fantasies (and a lot of the time they don’t want to because it’s just, yup you guessed it, a fantasy).
So big deal, you’re not Asian and you’re not busty bazoom but your guy obviously is in a relationship with you and trusts you enough to gasp, give you the password to his computer (if that’s not trust, I don’t know what is ).

;-)

A little variety to spice things up is standard and checking things out on the computer is a safe way for people to explore their intrigues. On more than a few occasions, a teacher of mine told me that it didn’t matter how great or frequent sex was, that as a man, he was always biologically tuned and turned on to possible places to “drop off his eggs.” It’s nothing personal, it’s just the way it is and his solution was “make it easy and convenient (a no-brainer) for men to come to you and they won’t stray.” I don’t whole heartedly agree with him on all his views but I do think that men are more geared to be on the look out for sex and can sexualize anything, they’re hard wired to be and their desires are not a reflection or reaction to their satisfaction of their current relationship (in most cases). However, being paranoid and reacting to your own fears/insecurities is a sure-fire way to create distance and distrust in a relationship.

As for the Asian element, the main point is a fetish is a fetish, a fantasy and not based in the actual connection to a person because no one characteristic/ethnic attribute can represent or define a person wholly. We eroticize what we don’t have direct access to, that’s why strip clubs still exist and so does a porn collection for anything you could and couldn’t imagine not to mention the oldest profession in the world (read: escorts/courtesans and working gals on the corner or “special” massage parlors) . We can dress things up to create a veil of seduction but at the end of the day, you’re either paying for companionship in the sex department (on a site, at a club) or paying the price of not living/interacting with reality. And as for boobaliciousness and the other “stuff”- meh, it just proves that he’s a sexual being and he’s a Curious George of a human (read: there is no normal).

If a guy is unhappy in his relationship, you’ll most likely sense it and hopefully have an adult conversation about it. You can’t prevent anyone from cheating on you, trust me I’ve tried and it only ripped my relationships apart faster and with more fury.

Don’t spend time creating what you don’t want and know that if something isn’t syncing up, there’s a good reason.

You can only be you and if you’re not clicking, the better to know sooner than later for the both of you. In general, I don’t think men’s porn collections are something to be threatened by but I think your snooping implies that there’s something up with you (read: not him, YOU). If you have a tendency to be snooperiffic, then I’d take a good look in the mirror and think about what you’d not want your guy to know about you. We often react strongly to that which we resist in ourselves. Was there a time in your life that you cheated or thought about cheating? My guess is yes and you felt so crappy about it that you stuffed that part of you deep down and now attack that in others because it’s outstanding within yourself.

All you can do now that you’ve fell into the “T.M.I. river” here is get clear about how you feel, why you feel that way, what you can be responsible for and ask yourself what is your preferred outcome with your guy. I’d come clean, apologize and tell him how it happened and how you felt. Keep it simple and don’t accuse him of anything but just share your feelings and your fears about what came up for you. Talk it out, work it out and use this as an opportunity to come closer together, being real and honest. It’s certainly the first step on the road to recovery, trust first, love always and don’t be too hard on him or yourself.

“And you will live in happiness too!
Like the oompa-loompa doopity-do!”

Love,

Ella

Dreams of An Ex

Question of the Week


Dear Ella,

I have been in a relationship for about a year now.  My last relationship ended, well it ended not so well. And in my current relationship, my boyfriend has told me that I have sex dreams about my past boyfriend and told me I had called him by my ex’s name a few times when he tried to wake me up.

Each time when I woke up, I had no memory of the dreams. I have told him time and again that I have moved on, I don’t try and convince my self of this fact, I really don’t think of him.

He may pop up in my thoughts for some reason like I hear his name on tv or something, but that relationship ended, not well, but it ended.

So my question is how do I convince my boyfriend that I am over my ex and that although I had dreams of my ex (which I don’t remember) they don’t mean anything?  He thinks that because I am dreaming of him that I still want him or want to be with him.

I need some rational logic for the dream in which I don’t remember having but apparently had. I need some logical help here please!

Thanks a heap,

Judy

P.S. one more thing :)  How do I convince people that because I am trying to convince them I am over my ex I am really not otherwise I would not be trying to convince them that I am.  Does that make sense?

Dear Judy,

Your unconscious self is making a bit of trouble for you hmm? Ex dreams can be extreme and extremely discomforting, especially when they’re audible to your current lover. I hear you, loud and clear, no pun intended.

It’s not uncommon to have a sex dream but the fact that they are recurring raises my eyebrows and undoubtedly your current partner’s fears. I gather that you no longer are interested in being with your previous partner (sexually or otherwise) but I have a hunch that when that relationship ended, you buried an aspect of yourself with it and now it’s rising up.

You mention that you and your ex did not end things well. Often when we’ve let someone in, intimately, we’ve allowed them to have access to us and we’ve felt safe. When you’re deeply hurt in an intimate relationship, it’s a challenge to open up again, feeling that we can trust someone new and more importantly, trust ourselves. Plus, there’s the whole element of associating your sexuality with a previous partner(s).

TIP: Try visualizing cutting cords with them, literally, imagine strings attached from them to you and get super imaginative with a massive pair of scissors and cut. Clients and friends I’ve done this with in sessions have had a ball doing it.

Say MY Name, b%$##!

Calling out your ex’s name is pretty hard core and difficult to stomach for anyone.  Here’s a thought- Did you find that you felt more free to explore your animalistic side in this previous relationship? I’ve heard time and time again that the best sex has often been with dysfunctional, “crazy” lovers and then we wonder why the relationship is unstable and often over before it’s begun. But here’s the clinker, this issue isn’t about anyone but you… pssst the “best sex you’ve ever had” is due to your comfort level with yourself and what you were willing to receive/explore/give/create at that moment in time.

Sleep to Dream Per Chance To Heal

Your dream shout-outs to your ex, in my humble opinion, are actually a call to arms for you to honor that which you’ve decided to push away within yourself and it’s not serving your health so that’s why is bubbling to the surface.

What we suppress comes out somewhere in the wash even when we think we’re masters at hiding or have become great at hiding things from ourselves. I’m not going to get Freudian or Jungian on you because I don’t know what your dream consisted of (and neither do you at this point) but this website is a cool resource for analyzing dreams, there’s even a little section that directly addresses “ex sex”: DreamMoods.com. Just scroll to “Sex,” it’s set up like a dictionary.

One more goodie, oh thank goodness I know this TIP:
This month happens to be the first time in eight years that Venus (yes the planet, ruler of beauty/sex/love) has gone retrograde in Scorpio(hello passion/intensity/sexuality/sneakiness secretiveness). You’ve probably often heard of Mercury going into Retrograde and told to be careful signing contracts or traveling during that cycle but this Aphrodite Ouchie-Wah Wah brigade is something different all together. It’s said that this month is the month that you deal with your romantic skeletons in the closet, have ex-lover run-ins (in reality or in dream states), etc. For more details, check out InHarmony Astrology by clicking here. People all over the planet are experiencing their sexual past in a big way right now and it makes a lot of sense once you read about the uber-dramatic tango Venus is dancing (read: you’re not crazy, the stars are just having their way with you and helping you clear out karma junk with hauntings of your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend past).

Time to Play Hide N’ Seek On Your Terms

I invite you to work with someone (read: someone you don’t know personally and doesn’t know your current or ex partner), to uncover what you’re tucked away be it a belief, a story, a fear, et cetera. A little outside perspective from someone who is not directly related to you personally is a huge gift you could give to yourself. It’s less emotionally charged and you’re more likely to be honest with yourself and see the situation in a new light. And for now, I would stop worrying about everyone else and trying to convince them of anything. If they’re at all sensitive to you and care about you, they are just bringing up their concern because something is off and they recognize it. The more you try to resist that, the more you give whatever you’re trying to resist power (and it’s ever more visible). Get in the trenches, I promise you’ll feel a heck of a lot better. It won’t be as complicated as you think and with the right support and tools, you’ll be a crackerjack expert on how to love you more. Go team!


With a Rosie-the-Riveter flex and a follow-up hug…

Sweet dreams,

Ella

P.S. If you found this post to be helpful…This site runs on your donations, please support Go Ask Ella by making a little click and sending a dollar or twenty her way so she can keep researching and responding to all of your questions. Thank you!



Lights Out! Sex in the dark?

Question of the Week

Dear Ella,

This is a weird question but I just don’t know what to do or who to ask. I’m kind of embarrassed that I can’t figure this out on my own (and I don’t want anyone to know).
My girlfriend won’t have sex with me unless the lights are off, I don’t think I’ve ever
really seen naked and it freaks me out. When she’s a bit drunk she allows the lights to be dimmed (like candle style) so I know she’s not a dude or anything and she’s BEAUTIFUL. She just says that she can’t have sex with the lights on and won’t offer any explanation. I get really turned on by looking at her but she won’t have it. I think it’s because she thinks she’s fat and yah she’s curvy but it’s hella sexy to me. Help a brother out here. What the hell do I do?

Sincerely,

Steven in SF

Hey Steven,

You know what’s crazy to me? That this “lights out” scenario is pretty standard and in my opinion, sad. I’m all for going green and saving on electricity but keeping the lights off, is turn off (afternoon bedding anyone?). Not being seen in the bedroom is a sad state of affairs and it stems from a number of issues but that’s why we get into relationships- to work on ourselves. Here’s my take on the basis of this situation.

You noted that she “thinks she’s fat” and when someone is not comfortable in their body, they are troubled by being naked (especially in front of others). But there’s something bigger going on here and I’m not talking about width of your lady’s waist, it’s a layering of protection and being naked isn’t just about being nude. I believe that folks carrying weight is a form of protection, insulation. When it comes to physical intimacy, the hormones still want some action but from a distance (hence the lights out). I think curves are scrumpdidliumptious too and yet if your girl isn’t accepting of who she is, it proves to be quite difficult for her to accept your love of the va-voom and all that she is.
The question comes up for her is probably: “how could he love this about me when I can’t?”

Be sensitive to your girlfriend and also challenge her. Ask her what she needs to feel more safe. Maybe just being intimate with her and not having sex will radically effect that. Kissing and adoring her and without an objective (sex) could rock her world.

Also, it’s often the case that being completely “seen” is just too intense for people (kinda crazy, I know but it’s true) because they don’t feel like someone else can hold it down for them. Whether that’s the oh-face (some don’t feel so sexy when they lose control and don’t know what they look like) or it’s just being naked, truly naked, folks get a little whacked out. It’s a loss of control and complete vulnerability that is so terrifying and that’s why alcohol is such a well-liked lubricant to get the ball rolling. Alcohol allows us to check out and not care and shut the mind up but it also dulls the experience so it doesn’t fully penetrate us (yet again keeping a distance from really feeling what’s going on).

Here’s an exercise that I’d recommend: holding gaze. One of the most intense and beautiful ways to connect with another individual is to be completely present, without words or touch and just hold gaze from eye to eye while sitting across from one another for five minutes (which will feel like a lifetime). Like meditating, there will be impulses to stop and distractions will come but fight them. Do this and just feel what it’s like to see her (for all that she is) and allow her to see you. Emotions will come to the surface, her insecurities and yours will become visible. Do this clothed and in a comfortable environment, lights on and no sound. Then talk about what came up for you together. Meeting each other eye to eye, heart to heart is a powerful way to balance out the fear into love and acceptance. Go team!

There are so many things that could be causing your woman’s need to shut down and shut out the lights but she wants to let you in so help her by really holding space and really showing up. It could take deep work to peel back the layers of her walls and she may need support outside of what you’re able to provide. Coaching, therapy, yoga, meditation- these are things that could really support her growth too. Her development is her responsibility but you can be a great help and one of the greatest gifts a lover can give is their complete and total presence. Express that you’re not going anywhere and you love her and you accept her for everything she is, unconditionally. That is an aphrodisiac and a half, let me tell ya. Command love, be love and lead by example as a true man.

Go get ‘em tiger,

Ella

She Used to Date A Married Man…

Question of the Week

Dear Ella,

I just started dating this girl, I think I’m in love with her.
Here’s the problem though… we had the past relationship
talk and her last guy was someone else’s- she was the mistress
to a married dude. It kinda freaked me out, I mean how can I trust
that she values commitment if she was an adulteress, is that the right word – adulteress?
You know what I mean, right? Plus, I know the guy!
I don’t want to judge her but my stomach turns about it. And I feel like she trusted me
with something she’s not proud of so I hate that I feel so sick about it all.
How do I get over this?

Sick to the stomach,

Sam

Hey Sam,

I often wonder about the whole “you can only judge by their past” bit myself. What people have chosen to explore does represent them, be it in a good light or not. The beauty of being human is we make mistakes and we change.
She’s with you now right?

That’s one foot in the right direction, plus she’s being upfront about it. As a girl who had a rough run growing up in a small town, I never lived down getting pantsed by Danny Snow in the 3rd grade nor did I escape the rumor that I was a lesbian/witch/teen pregnancy case (all rumors during my freshman year at high school). Dare I say, look at me now?

Look to your past to know where you’ve been but not who you are, who you are is a continual choice from the present moment to the next present moment. However, having dated the same prototype for about five years, I can say that unless we work on ourselves and take a good look at why we’re drawn to certain experiences/people/drama/lovers we’re bound to repeat history.


The fact that you know this married guy makes it all the more weird, I get it. Hello soap opera! And, as my mom would say- here’s where you get to put your big boy pants on… you share with her how you feel and then you let it go, move on and accept what is. In the world of cheating, there are a thousand reasons but justifications are slim to none. Good people make not-so-hot choices all the time and as someone who’s been cheated on (and witnessed a whole boat load of cheating/hush hush affairs), it has to be let go of otherwise the past will keep its grip and there will be no future.


Falling from grace happens when we place folks on pedestals, and no one does well up there. Trust me. Commitment, like love, has many faces, so find out if you and your new lady have similar views.


If you don’t have like minds then things could get rocky but that’s for the best, shape up and ship out. Know where
your values meet and so will your lips as they agree to give it a go and seal it with a kiss.

When you begin dating someone new it’s exhilarating and unknown. Be real, be loving and know that the skeletons in the closet make everyone a tad uneasy (as does that first kiss but it’s so worth it). So many questions arise!

Will it work? Will there be chemistry? Will her parents like his parents? Is she a cat person?
Does he snore? Are her past lovers in the past? Will he pick up the check or expect dibs?

Cautionary tales are what life is all about, enjoy the newness and move forward from the old flames before they singe ya.

And as for that tummy of yours, get some deep breathing into it, meditate, relax and ask yourself some questions. Try to feel your answers in your body, not your mind. Ask yourself if you’re willing to trust your heart and hers? Saying yes with your whole heart because that is what is required to walk the plank, don’t pussy foot around. Check in with what it’s saying.
Hear the love, not the fear.

Patting ya on the back,

Ella

Do You Like Piña Colada? – two questions about staying the course in a relationship…

Question(s) of the Week… receiving these both on the same day peaked my interest, relate?

Dear Ella,
Lately I’ve been feeling like my life is just passing me by. I’m stagnate. I’m not making the most of opportunities, I’m lazy, I’m out of shape, my eating habits are not great, I’m not being as creative as I think I can be, blah, blah, blah… I know my life is nothing to complain about but I’m just feeling really anxious and restless these days. I have an awesome girlfriend yet all I think about is fucking other women… but I would never do that because she’s so amazing to me and gives me something that no one else can, etc… but I’m still tortured by the thought of sex with other women. And I know I’m not alone and that scares me even more. This shit is normal. It’s driving me crazy. I want to shake shit up in my life but I know I’ve got it good compared to most and I shouldn’t take it for granted.
Any advice?

Feeling Like An Asshole,
Aaron in NYC

Hi Ella,

I don’t want anyone else in my life (especially my boyfriend) to know this but I keep meeting other men who seem to know just what to say to make me feel sexy and quite good about myself. I thought that if I was in love then I wouldn’t be able to fancy other blokes, am I complete tart?
This keeps me up at night! I’ve been with my boyfriend a year or so and I adore him to bits but sometimes I wonder if this is it? The sex is okay but we’re not having it so much these days and I must say that the more he gives me shit about it, the less I fancy a fuck. I’m baffled, all I’ve ever wanted was to be a mum and have the whole ding-dong marriage bit and now I just don’t know. No one stays together any more it seems any way, I feel like maybe I should just end things because it’s inevitable. I mean, my tits will sag one day and he’ll probably start wanting to shag younger women- might as well beat him to the punch, yah? I don’t know, I don’t know what I believe in. Do you believe in “the one”? Do you get questions like this often? God, I hope so. I hate feeling like such a twat. ANY advice welcome.

Cheers Ella, thanks, you’re fantastic by the way.

- Caroline

Aye me, seeing a theme here? I don’t know if you’ve ever been stuck listening to The Piña Colada song (which is about two lovers who are unhappy in love and find each other through a want-ad about liking “piña colada and getting lost in the rain”) but I couldn’t help but imagine these two were a couple and writing me unknowingly.

Please don’t think I’m having a laugh at you Aaron nor you Caroline but it just proves my point, you’re not alone.
I read recently, “life’s short, have an affair” and rolled my eyes at the poster’s response to millions of lovers who are wondering if the grass is actually greener on the other side of the fence.
Running off to a tropical utopia is cheating on your life. Fantasies are fantasies, there’s nothing wrong with them until you start believing that your life sucks in comparison.

Here’s the scoop my friends, if you’re not happy and doing what you love in your life (and I don’t mean just people i.e. sex), then you’re going to look for that outside of yourself for it. New and shiny people are distracting, especially when they smell good and say all the right things. The mystery exists with lovers not yet taken to bed and it’s no wonder that with the way we constantly ship in/out new computers, cars, jobs, facebook status updates, phones, et cetera that we think about upgrading our partners too. “There are other fish in the sea” and there always will be but my question to you is why aren’t you loving the one you’re with (and I don’t mean your boy/girlfriend), I mean YOU!

I’ve been in a series of monogamous relationships throughout my life and have had some white hot affairs during my windows of single-dom and from experience it seems that after a little time in either world, you can’t help but wonder if “this is it.” I know you all know that’s normal but it doesn’t make it any easier when you hear it in your own head as opposed to a movie screen fanning itself with Hollywood “happily ever after” endings. It’s a different world that we live in today as opposed to our parents or grandparents. Sex is readily available but commitment is needing to be picked up at the lost and found.

So here’s a question that’s worth asking… Who’s driving the relationship?
An asker recently expressed that sex was really exciting with her first flame but her current partner didn’t really initiate anything. Ah comparison to the past is just as much a thief of joy as a fantasy of the future. I have a theory (along with hundreds of psychologists) that more feminine women like to be taken. I mean doesn’t it turn you on to know that you’ve turned on your partner enough to make them insatiably desire you and need to act on it? Is it ever a bad idea to be told you’re desired with a kiss or toss onto the bed? Gents or ladies, If you’re with a more feminine partner, one who is more of an observer, goes with the flow, doesn’t like to lead- it leaves you to do it and that doesn’t feel so hot if you’re more feminine in your approach to life. Someone has to drive and hopefully it’s not the same person all the time (unless both people are happy with those roles). Does that make sense?

I don’t know if there is a “one” but the more active you are in your life, creating joy, spontaneity, adventure -the more likely you are to fall in love, with yourself, and want to share that with someone you trust and adore. Hopping from partner to partner, bed to bed can get just as tiresome as your man leaving the toilet seat up and chewing with his mouth open or repeating that same stupid story about meeting Jack Nicholson at every party you go to…
The grass is always greener but the success to any relationship is making YOU the ONE and hearing your heart above your impulses from your heads (above and below). It’s easy to think your partner is the one that needs to be changed out but in fact, it’s you- are you in love with you? Start thinking back to what you loved when you were little and do a bit of that today. Break it up, “shake your shit” as Aaron said- good idea just don’t shit on anyone while doing it.

Your ally in the trenches,

Ella

Proof that you’re not alone regardless of where you are in the world ;-)

Question of the Week: Twisted Sister- threatened by the ladies

Dear Ella,

You seem to be really comfortable with everything. How do you manage that?

In fact, I think you’re the one girl I’ve met (and I haven’t even met you in real life) that I’m not intimidated by.  I don’t trust girls, especially pretty ones- I think they’re evil most of the time which is why I just hang with the boys.  I hate that I look at every girl and think how much prettier, smarter, thinner, better she is than me.

I don’t wanna be such a hater but girls are such drama and stuck up.

I’m not a tomboy but I’m not a priss either. What do I do?

Lonely girl with no sister


Dear Lonely Girl,

You do have a sister, it’s you and it seems to me that that relationship needs a super dose of love.  If you judge being a girl so much, how can you enjoy being one?  I get it, I’ve been there and it changes when we become more aware of who we’re being in situations.

I believe that we are reflections.  What I mean to say is, what pisses you off in someone is something you won’t accept about yourself.  Where are you creating drama in your life?  When have you created distrust in yourself?  I don’t even mean to say that you’ve been distrustful in the eyes of others but of your own heart.

Women are emotional creatures, all people are but women have a lot more playing with them on a hormonal level among other things.  We’re verbal, our brains co-conspire with both sides of the hemispheres simultaneously- we shed anew each month and we are able to hold and birth life- pretty awesome saucy beings, if I do say so myself.

My worst fights and deepest betrayals have been with women but it really began with myself because I was not being aware.  When you’re confronted with hate (which is a very intense if not extreme sensation), it is an opportunity for you to witness how being right is safer than being love.  Do you understand what I mean by that?

When we judge others for their behavior, we make ourselves right and we disconnect from them and the lesson being presented.  In truth, we are all one.  Everything that exists is in us and it is our divine right to choose, and keep choosing, what we prefer.

So I ask you, how does it serve you to feel worse, better, different, superior, inferior, uglier, less dramatic?  How does it serve the people you are around?  How does it serve the world?  There will always be someone with more or less of what you have- from your perspective.

What do you get out of not trusting and hating other women?

A friend of mine once told me that the love we are withholding is the pain that we carry. We become addicted to our pain, our misery because it’s familiar and it’s something that we often commiserate (co-misery) on.  I used to bitch about a lot of things with my girlfriends to feel better but I never really did.  Rubbing wound to wound often only instigates or perpetuates a fallacy (that we’re less than we are). Sometime venting is great but we have to remember that we’re not our emotions, we are not our stories, we are not what someone else thinks, we are not even our experiences.  We are so much more than that.

I’ve had a number of close girlfriends throughout my life and I’ve definitely felt the things that you expressed.  I’ve had close friends sleep with my boyfriends, I’ve had big secrets revealed, I was ditched last minute by my best friend since kindergarten at prom… and you know what?  I learned a lot from those experiences, it’s led me to have greater compassion and understanding for myself and what I want in a friendship.

AND I did all those things to myself.  By taking responsibility for your part in every situation (which is something my mother always preached and I’d plug my fingers in my ears saying la-la-la-la), you are able to move on.  Acknowledge when something hurts and look at your role in it.  If it’s about a guy, did you listen to your inner guidance/your heart when you chose to be with him?  I made some crappy decisions, quite a few actually, and unknowingly betrayed myself because I wasn’t paying attention.  I was going for a fix outside of myself.  I know it seems trite but the whole expression about “loving yourself before you love someone else” isn’t just about romantic love but sisterhood, friendship, family, et cetera.  You are not alone, truly you aren’t.  Feeling lonely is a response to feeling disconnected from you and all that you are.  Create more time for you doing what you love- I find it’s impossible to feel alone when I’m in nature or when I see a ridiculously adorable animal (which led me to nearly kissing a pig named Daisy today on a farm, but I digress).

The only thing in life that you have control over is how you show up for you.  Your reactions to what happens is what defines you, you choose it.  Who do you want to be?

Choose love over fear, choose compassion over righteousness, choose gratitude over bitterness. This is a daily practice, some days are easier than others but just keep choosing what feels good.

Be the friend you want to be.  Be the sister you want to be.

Live a little.


Lovingly,

Your sister Ella




P.S. I think at a really young age we all experience a moment where someone we loved/trusted acted differently than we would have hoped or expected.  This often happens with our mothers, sisters or a best friend.  The beautiful thing about this is we’re not in elementary school any more and we get to create our relationships more consciously as adults.  Change your belief and start being the change you want to see, now.  We can learn so much from the women we fear, it’s what’s in them that we’re afraid to be, see, embrace and shine.