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Dreams of An Ex

Question of the Week


Dear Ella,

I have been in a relationship for about a year now.  My last relationship ended, well it ended not so well. And in my current relationship, my boyfriend has told me that I have sex dreams about my past boyfriend and told me I had called him by my ex’s name a few times when he tried to wake me up.

Each time when I woke up, I had no memory of the dreams. I have told him time and again that I have moved on, I don’t try and convince my self of this fact, I really don’t think of him.

He may pop up in my thoughts for some reason like I hear his name on tv or something, but that relationship ended, not well, but it ended.

So my question is how do I convince my boyfriend that I am over my ex and that although I had dreams of my ex (which I don’t remember) they don’t mean anything?  He thinks that because I am dreaming of him that I still want him or want to be with him.

I need some rational logic for the dream in which I don’t remember having but apparently had. I need some logical help here please!

Thanks a heap,

Judy

P.S. one more thing :)  How do I convince people that because I am trying to convince them I am over my ex I am really not otherwise I would not be trying to convince them that I am.  Does that make sense?

Dear Judy,

Your unconscious self is making a bit of trouble for you hmm? Ex dreams can be extreme and extremely discomforting, especially when they’re audible to your current lover. I hear you, loud and clear, no pun intended.

It’s not uncommon to have a sex dream but the fact that they are recurring raises my eyebrows and undoubtedly your current partner’s fears. I gather that you no longer are interested in being with your previous partner (sexually or otherwise) but I have a hunch that when that relationship ended, you buried an aspect of yourself with it and now it’s rising up.

You mention that you and your ex did not end things well. Often when we’ve let someone in, intimately, we’ve allowed them to have access to us and we’ve felt safe. When you’re deeply hurt in an intimate relationship, it’s a challenge to open up again, feeling that we can trust someone new and more importantly, trust ourselves. Plus, there’s the whole element of associating your sexuality with a previous partner(s).

TIP: Try visualizing cutting cords with them, literally, imagine strings attached from them to you and get super imaginative with a massive pair of scissors and cut. Clients and friends I’ve done this with in sessions have had a ball doing it.

Say MY Name, b%$##!

Calling out your ex’s name is pretty hard core and difficult to stomach for anyone.  Here’s a thought- Did you find that you felt more free to explore your animalistic side in this previous relationship? I’ve heard time and time again that the best sex has often been with dysfunctional, “crazy” lovers and then we wonder why the relationship is unstable and often over before it’s begun. But here’s the clinker, this issue isn’t about anyone but you… pssst the “best sex you’ve ever had” is due to your comfort level with yourself and what you were willing to receive/explore/give/create at that moment in time.

Sleep to Dream Per Chance To Heal

Your dream shout-outs to your ex, in my humble opinion, are actually a call to arms for you to honor that which you’ve decided to push away within yourself and it’s not serving your health so that’s why is bubbling to the surface.

What we suppress comes out somewhere in the wash even when we think we’re masters at hiding or have become great at hiding things from ourselves. I’m not going to get Freudian or Jungian on you because I don’t know what your dream consisted of (and neither do you at this point) but this website is a cool resource for analyzing dreams, there’s even a little section that directly addresses “ex sex”: DreamMoods.com. Just scroll to “Sex,” it’s set up like a dictionary.

One more goodie, oh thank goodness I know this TIP:
This month happens to be the first time in eight years that Venus (yes the planet, ruler of beauty/sex/love) has gone retrograde in Scorpio(hello passion/intensity/sexuality/sneakiness secretiveness). You’ve probably often heard of Mercury going into Retrograde and told to be careful signing contracts or traveling during that cycle but this Aphrodite Ouchie-Wah Wah brigade is something different all together. It’s said that this month is the month that you deal with your romantic skeletons in the closet, have ex-lover run-ins (in reality or in dream states), etc. For more details, check out InHarmony Astrology by clicking here. People all over the planet are experiencing their sexual past in a big way right now and it makes a lot of sense once you read about the uber-dramatic tango Venus is dancing (read: you’re not crazy, the stars are just having their way with you and helping you clear out karma junk with hauntings of your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend past).

Time to Play Hide N’ Seek On Your Terms

I invite you to work with someone (read: someone you don’t know personally and doesn’t know your current or ex partner), to uncover what you’re tucked away be it a belief, a story, a fear, et cetera. A little outside perspective from someone who is not directly related to you personally is a huge gift you could give to yourself. It’s less emotionally charged and you’re more likely to be honest with yourself and see the situation in a new light. And for now, I would stop worrying about everyone else and trying to convince them of anything. If they’re at all sensitive to you and care about you, they are just bringing up their concern because something is off and they recognize it. The more you try to resist that, the more you give whatever you’re trying to resist power (and it’s ever more visible). Get in the trenches, I promise you’ll feel a heck of a lot better. It won’t be as complicated as you think and with the right support and tools, you’ll be a crackerjack expert on how to love you more. Go team!


With a Rosie-the-Riveter flex and a follow-up hug…

Sweet dreams,

Ella

P.S. If you found this post to be helpful…This site runs on your donations, please support Go Ask Ella by making a little click and sending a dollar or twenty her way so she can keep researching and responding to all of your questions. Thank you!



When Is It Time To Do The Deed?

Question of the Week…

Hi Ella,

Thank you so much for doing what you do. It’s awesome to know that there’s a real person out there that has some wisdom and is willing to drop it, in public no less.
I’m wondering if you could answer this question, my girls and I talk about it all the time and we never have a solution.
When do you think is the right time for someone to have sex with their partner?
I’ve been dating this guy for awhile and one friend says why wait, know what their skills are before you commit and another says to make him work for it. I don’t want to make him work for anything. I want to have sex and I really like him so I don’t want to fuck it up. Do you believe in that old saying, “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”

Can’t wait to hear your thoughts Miss Ella!

Hugs,

Naomi

Oh mooooo! We’re sacred cows, I’m into that. You know as much as I’m into being REAL and not playing games, I’ve begun to see that there are some fundamental truths about sex and the dance between lovers-to-be.
I believe that it’s the same dance regardless of it being your first time ever or your first time with a new partner, it always IS actually the first time. Who you are right now is not who you were yesterday, five years ago, five seconds ago and only you know the truth regarding when “it’s time.” Some say we must judge by our past but the more I live my life’s lessons, the more I see that you have to check in with what’s true and what’s being presented right now to know what’s real. Your girls want what’s best for you I’m sure but they also want their ideas about love, men, sex to be right and when you share your world with them, you’re opening yourself to their projections. You know what you need to know when you know it and speculation is just frenzy filled drama bomb waiting to happen. I’ve also recently learned this the hard way. At the end of the day it’s you in the bedroom and it’s your reality (no one else has any business being there but who you invite). So be careful what you invite in.

Not sure if you’ve seen Eat Pray Love as it only came out last week but this question makes me think of Elizabeth Gilbert’s story that I read and now have watched with the gorgeous Javier Bardem, Billy Crudup, James Franco (mmm what a lineup of eye candy, thank you!) and the lovely Julia Roberts.
In the film, it occurs to Liz’s lover (Javier Bardem) that they’ve not yet done the deed and it’s time and he let’s her know by coming up to her, distracting her from her cozy book reading session with an outstretched hand and saying “Liz, it’s time.”

Oh Hollywood, you little fantasy fisherman you- well, I don’t know about you but I bought hook, line and sinker. Now, to be fair, the couple had been learning about each other, developing quite a friendship and level of intimacy for some time. And it was the man’s son who asked if they’d “done it yet.” The reason Liz and Felipe had taken their sweet time was because they’d both been super burned in previous relationships and fear had paved their road with caution. Sometimes we need to put our hands on a hot stove to know to be a bit patient, lessons are lessons, no? When we’re first on the scene we have a lot of stories about love (and even if we’ve been broken and fallen several times) we still have a lot to learn about what’s real and what everything is worth.

You have to ask yourself if it feels right and preferably not when you’re in the midst of an all consuming make out session.
Sex is sex but for most people we make it mean something and if you’re interested in partnership, you have to weigh in that it takes awhile for you to know someone, trust them and feel good about going the distance (aside from them being ridiculously good looking and saying all the right things).

So how long is long enough? When is it time for two to become one and welcome them to the party in your pants (and hopefully your heart)? It depends on a few factors…

1) How long have you known each other?
2) Are you both interested in the same thing? (i.e. a monogamous relationship)
3) Is there something there beyond desire?
4) What will sex mean to you?
5) What would you advise your best friend if roles were reversed?

I think we often throw caution to the wind when we’re in love and we make sense of a whole story without knowing the characters at all. With all the Sex & The City rah-rah, let’s fuck and be empowered stuff that’s thrown around like our new banner of sexual liberation it can get confusing. It almost seems like when someone wants to wait or take their time that it’s an insult to their new love interest. Would you buy a car after one look? Would you invite just anyone off the street to house-sit? In regards to this very same conversation, my very dear friend asked me this morning, “Ella, when you’re making a big purchase do you just hand over your credit card or do a bit of research first?” Well, your body, your heart, your life is worth a hell of a lot more consideration than any purchase I can dream of and yet we worry that we’ll appear old fashioned and not with the times. We’re not Jane Austen characters but we still have sense and sensibilities that must be attended to.

Fuckery is one thing, love and sustainability is another. If it’s a hit it and quit it situation that’s your prerogative but I think at a certain point you have to acknowledge your own worth, celebrate it and allow someone to worship and revere you. Are you ready? It’s a hell of a journey, trust me, I know. And, only you can know when you feel you’ve give yourself enough time to suss out what feels right. In simple terms, more than a week, preferably more than a month, ideally more than two. Communicate with yourself about it and then talk to your lover. Talk about what you want, share your fears, desires, excitement and if they genuinely care, they’ll take the time to learn you too. You don’t need to set a date on the calendar and book a night at Hotel Paris or anything. You can go to the drawing board at any point and renegotiate but get clear what’s true for you first and then address it with your guy. Men will say anything to get you in bed, that’s their biological objective and even when they think they mean what they’re saying you can’t know by words. Heck, I’ve eve been guilty of that and I don’t produce millions of sperm a day.
The proof is in the pudding, actions speak louder than words, your heart speaks louder than your loins (and you have to learn to tune your ear properly before jumping in).

Good luck pudding pop,

Ella

P.S. A lot of psychology books I’ve read suggest three months as the general rule of thumb, I used to roll my eyes at this and say “yah not in this century.” But as I get older I realize that we’re much more of a prize than we’ve ever realized and we owe it ourselves to honor and appreciate our own value before we can expect someone else to get it. Like attracts like no? Plus, once sex happens for most women we get more attached and we don’t look with clear perception upon our lovers. Better to be clear before the red light special makes things hazy. Any comments from the peanut gallery welcome!

Oh Orgasm, Where Are You?

Come out, come out wherever you are!!!

Question of the Week

Dear Ella,
 
I have been having (quite a lot of) sex for a few years now, and I love it! I really enjoy it, I crave it, I enjoy experimenting, I have fun from the intimate, slow, emotional sex to the wild animalistic sex… it’s all great if it wasn’t for one small problem. I have never had an orgasm. Yes you hear me, not even ‘I have never had an orgasm during sex’ but simply I have never had an orgasm. Or at least I don’t think I have. And if I don’t think I have, I guess that is a pretty good indicator that I haven’t. I’ve really enjoyed sex or all other kind of activity around it and I definitely have moments when it feels really REALLY good and I also reckon I might have come close a few times but this complete overwhelming WOW explosion just hasn’t happened.
When I first started having sex, I was 15, which to some people might be normal but I know that for me it was too early, not with the right guy and I wasn’t really emotionally ready for it. Not that it hurt or anything but I don’t think I was quite ready to enjoy sex the way it can be enjoyed. 6 years later that is definitely different by now and I want and love sex. I thought before I might not have been having orgasms because I wasn’t ready to let go, didn’t loosen up enough, wasn’t comfortable enough, etc.. but in the meantime I also had a nearly three year relationship, my first love, very intimate and beautiful, and yet I just didn’t reach that special point.
Then I thought for some time that if I explored myself on my own, managed to find out what it is I like for myself, how and where I like ‘my buttons to be pressed’, etc. I might be much more successful in bed with a partner. I always hear that it is often harder for girls to orgasm during sex so it makes perfect sense I would be more likely to achieve it on my own first. But here comes the thing – I just can’t properly masturbate. It has never gone further than the few moments of clitoral stimulation which is extremely exciting and pleasurable but can hardly be all there is to it. It’s just.. I can’t ‘get into it’, I’m too aware that I am lying in bed or whatever and going to touch myself now, as funny as that might sound. I just don’t know how to get in the mood, whether to picture someone or something, I just don’t understand how guys can get off just from pictures.. It’s hard for me to lose myself when I’m not actively involved in a sexual act. I just don’t know what to do. And I’ve spoken to a few girls that I know have the same problem.
 
Now I’ve read some of your posts from ‘Operation Happy Lady‘ to your 30-day-challenge. I am excited and looking forward to trying out your suggestions from OHL once I have a partner again but until then I thought I should do some ‘foundation work’ on my own :) Your blog is amazing and inspiring and it sounds funny to say this but I envy you for already being a sexual little kid and knowing where it’s at as I still don’t seem to know with 21.
 
Can’t wait to hear from you. Thank you for your blog, I have passed it on to many of my girls (and boys) and we all love it.

“Ella is a G” has become a standard phrase.
 
All the best to you and thank you for sharing,
 
Lily

Dear Lily,

Fantastic question, thanks for asking it.
The simplest solution is one word: vibrator.
It takes time to develop a relationship with your
orgasm be that solo or with a partner so don’t be
too hard on yourself. I promise you can let go and get lost in the moment,
it just takes patience, time, compassion and a little help from an inspiring erotica novel,
film, fantasy (and a little help from a buzzing friend). Cultivating your pleasure
is a journey and there are loads of twists and turns. Enjoy each one!

Here’s a video response regarding orgasm from yours truly:

Lovingly,

Your Resident “G” ;-)

P.S. Here are phenomenal resources for toys as well as inspiration, take a moment to window shop at these two online stores that are highly recommended: Babeland and Good Vibrations

Short Comings- When The Big Disappointments Come in Small Packages

Question of the Week

Hi Ella!
So I recently started dating one of my very good friends… We were making out and one thing led to another and we had sex… Thats when I found out Mr. Amazing wasnt very amazing in the sack.
I know hes not very experienced, and neither am I but Ive definitly had more partners than he has. He not only came VERY quickly but hes also very small… I dont want this to be the reason that we cant make things work. Do you have any tips for me to (secretly) help him over come these short comings, literally…

Thanks!
Audrey

Hey Audrey,

Ooph! Doh! Grrr! That’s never a fun experience. I can only imagine that your frustration is equal to his embarrassment. When things go from platonic cool to spicy hot back to luke warm it’s typically because of a number of things including build up of expectations. Men have it hard sometimes, ha pun unintended. There’s a lot of pressure for them to perform, it’s their manhood at stake and if they are disconnected because of fear for any reason- well, pop goes the weasel or in some cases the penis remains shy and full of stage fright. If this friend of yours has been into you for quite some time, he may have had a lot of weight on his mind and heart about finally getting to the homestretch with you. Shooting sparks could be taken as a compliment and with a little time and compassion, short comings becomes a non-issue. If it keeps happening then it may be a deeper deal, a guy friend of mine would get soft right when the underpants would come off for the first few months of dating his girlfriends. It just took time for him to feel safe, imagine that!

As far as size goes, my Gran always says that there are three sizes in life. Small. Medium. And “Oh-my-f&^*ing-God what do you expect me to do with that?” Guys get it into their heads (wow I’m really punny tonight) that big is better but that’s not the case and each penis has its own special tricks up its sleeve. You’d be surprised. Smaller penises or less hard ones often make it easier for a woman to vaginally orgasm. Cool right?

Now comparing your current flame to other lovers is a lose-lose situation. You rob yourself of the opportunity to experience what you’re experiencing in the present moment and he gets it on some level that you’re playing line-up. The body, chemistry and presence are not easily fooled. Give a few tries and don’t roll out and over just yet. My suggestion would be to really explore your new partner and yourself with a beginner’s mind and have patience. Intimacy takes time. It’s rare that the first go hits everything out of the park. Explore more oral adventures, show him how you like to be touched and ask him. Find out, have fun! This is your friend first right? Give it a go, be honest but tender and have lots and lots of oral sex. ;-)

P.S. I answered another asker with a similar question, check it out http://goaskella.com/?s=penis+shy, I go into more detail specifically around going to the next level with a friend.

Do You Like Piña Colada? – two questions about staying the course in a relationship…

Question(s) of the Week… receiving these both on the same day peaked my interest, relate?

Dear Ella,
Lately I’ve been feeling like my life is just passing me by. I’m stagnate. I’m not making the most of opportunities, I’m lazy, I’m out of shape, my eating habits are not great, I’m not being as creative as I think I can be, blah, blah, blah… I know my life is nothing to complain about but I’m just feeling really anxious and restless these days. I have an awesome girlfriend yet all I think about is fucking other women… but I would never do that because she’s so amazing to me and gives me something that no one else can, etc… but I’m still tortured by the thought of sex with other women. And I know I’m not alone and that scares me even more. This shit is normal. It’s driving me crazy. I want to shake shit up in my life but I know I’ve got it good compared to most and I shouldn’t take it for granted.
Any advice?

Feeling Like An Asshole,
Aaron in NYC

Hi Ella,

I don’t want anyone else in my life (especially my boyfriend) to know this but I keep meeting other men who seem to know just what to say to make me feel sexy and quite good about myself. I thought that if I was in love then I wouldn’t be able to fancy other blokes, am I complete tart?
This keeps me up at night! I’ve been with my boyfriend a year or so and I adore him to bits but sometimes I wonder if this is it? The sex is okay but we’re not having it so much these days and I must say that the more he gives me shit about it, the less I fancy a fuck. I’m baffled, all I’ve ever wanted was to be a mum and have the whole ding-dong marriage bit and now I just don’t know. No one stays together any more it seems any way, I feel like maybe I should just end things because it’s inevitable. I mean, my tits will sag one day and he’ll probably start wanting to shag younger women- might as well beat him to the punch, yah? I don’t know, I don’t know what I believe in. Do you believe in “the one”? Do you get questions like this often? God, I hope so. I hate feeling like such a twat. ANY advice welcome.

Cheers Ella, thanks, you’re fantastic by the way.

- Caroline

Aye me, seeing a theme here? I don’t know if you’ve ever been stuck listening to The Piña Colada song (which is about two lovers who are unhappy in love and find each other through a want-ad about liking “piña colada and getting lost in the rain”) but I couldn’t help but imagine these two were a couple and writing me unknowingly.

Please don’t think I’m having a laugh at you Aaron nor you Caroline but it just proves my point, you’re not alone.
I read recently, “life’s short, have an affair” and rolled my eyes at the poster’s response to millions of lovers who are wondering if the grass is actually greener on the other side of the fence.
Running off to a tropical utopia is cheating on your life. Fantasies are fantasies, there’s nothing wrong with them until you start believing that your life sucks in comparison.

Here’s the scoop my friends, if you’re not happy and doing what you love in your life (and I don’t mean just people i.e. sex), then you’re going to look for that outside of yourself for it. New and shiny people are distracting, especially when they smell good and say all the right things. The mystery exists with lovers not yet taken to bed and it’s no wonder that with the way we constantly ship in/out new computers, cars, jobs, facebook status updates, phones, et cetera that we think about upgrading our partners too. “There are other fish in the sea” and there always will be but my question to you is why aren’t you loving the one you’re with (and I don’t mean your boy/girlfriend), I mean YOU!

I’ve been in a series of monogamous relationships throughout my life and have had some white hot affairs during my windows of single-dom and from experience it seems that after a little time in either world, you can’t help but wonder if “this is it.” I know you all know that’s normal but it doesn’t make it any easier when you hear it in your own head as opposed to a movie screen fanning itself with Hollywood “happily ever after” endings. It’s a different world that we live in today as opposed to our parents or grandparents. Sex is readily available but commitment is needing to be picked up at the lost and found.

So here’s a question that’s worth asking… Who’s driving the relationship?
An asker recently expressed that sex was really exciting with her first flame but her current partner didn’t really initiate anything. Ah comparison to the past is just as much a thief of joy as a fantasy of the future. I have a theory (along with hundreds of psychologists) that more feminine women like to be taken. I mean doesn’t it turn you on to know that you’ve turned on your partner enough to make them insatiably desire you and need to act on it? Is it ever a bad idea to be told you’re desired with a kiss or toss onto the bed? Gents or ladies, If you’re with a more feminine partner, one who is more of an observer, goes with the flow, doesn’t like to lead- it leaves you to do it and that doesn’t feel so hot if you’re more feminine in your approach to life. Someone has to drive and hopefully it’s not the same person all the time (unless both people are happy with those roles). Does that make sense?

I don’t know if there is a “one” but the more active you are in your life, creating joy, spontaneity, adventure -the more likely you are to fall in love, with yourself, and want to share that with someone you trust and adore. Hopping from partner to partner, bed to bed can get just as tiresome as your man leaving the toilet seat up and chewing with his mouth open or repeating that same stupid story about meeting Jack Nicholson at every party you go to…
The grass is always greener but the success to any relationship is making YOU the ONE and hearing your heart above your impulses from your heads (above and below). It’s easy to think your partner is the one that needs to be changed out but in fact, it’s you- are you in love with you? Start thinking back to what you loved when you were little and do a bit of that today. Break it up, “shake your shit” as Aaron said- good idea just don’t shit on anyone while doing it.

Your ally in the trenches,

Ella

Proof that you’re not alone regardless of where you are in the world ;-)

Mission Success! Celibacy for 30 days, check!

To hear more, from the dawn of time (the beginning of this “journey” which was 30 days ago),
check out the initial post: http://goaskella.com/30-day-challenge/for-the-first-time-ever/

Mommies Need Love and Hot Sex Too!

Question of the Week

Dear Ella,

I am deeply in love with my man, it was love at first sight and right after our meeting, I moved hundreds of miles to the city where he was so we could be together.  Which leads us to where we are today… we decided our love was strong enough to give up any form of birth control and allow our family to be created on fate and not on schedule. We were shocked when conception occurred on the first go, but completely overjoyed and fulfilled. Throughout the pregnancy our only concern was making sure we had enough time for eachother after the arrival of our daughter. Unfortunately, our nightmares are becoming reality. My days are completely consumed caring for our daughter that by night I am too tired to be affectionate and intimate. I feel exhausted and dirty all day from caring for the baby. My partner still finds me unbelievably attractive, but I don’t feel the same about my body.

Furthermore, I can’t seem to find time or the desire to have sex.

We had an amazing sex life until I delivered our daughter and now my libido has vanished. Also prior to my daughter I felt sexually liberated (finally) and no longer felt shameful for desiring sex, however, I find my old ways are creeping back on me and my mind tells me it is not “proper” as a mom to desire sex (which is how my mom was raised and how she raised me), it is dirty, and something I should not expose my child to. Even during my pregnancy I felt like I wanted to be sexually open as a mom so my child would have healthy perspectives on sex. Now I feel like a nun! I am scared I will lose my partner due to my lack of intimacy (as he has made mention of it a couple times), I am scared I will show my daughter a repressed, unhealthy attitude towards sex, and I am scared my libido will not come back. I miss my sexual openness prior to being a mom. How do I transition from being the sexy, liberated woman I was 7 months ago to the caring mom that I am now? I want a healthy family and this topic is essential in the health of myself, my partner, and my daughter. Please help!

All the best,

Concerned Momma


Dear Concerned Mama,

Oh, my heart just opened up a little bit more today when I read your message. Thank you for sharing where you’re at and where you’ve been.

I’ve been talking about this very subject with my mother actually and also with quite a few new mommies who have, and I quote, “non-existent libidos”.

I’m sure you’ve heard that as long as breast milk is on the menu for baby, hot sex is not the special of the day.  But knowing “what’s normal” doesn’t change the fact that you’re feeling icky and insecure. I hear you, and hormones aside, there are other pieces of the puzzle that need to be examined.

So much energy is stored in our body and what we give birth to is sometimes an old story from generations past.  Questions are rising, naturally as you just opened up such a massive part of your physical, emotional, spiritual body by becoming a mother.

I so hear you and want you to know that the fact you are even exploring these ideas, feelings, etc. makes you an amazing mother who has such a great capacity to heal old wounds and have compassion for current ones.

I think we’ve swallowed, even with the most diligent awareness to not do so, a lot of societal beliefs about what it is to be a woman, what it is to be a mother.

The fact that the word “dirty” comes up in EVERY conversation I have with women about sex, says A LOT.  I’m thrilled to say that I’ll be leading a special call soon where I’ll gently pulling up (and off) the “dirty shame bad” girl veil that we all have donned because I believe it’s sooooo healing to bring it up, dust it off and go “really, is that true?”

Another piece I’m hearing from you and would like to touch upon…

How to balance time for ourselves, our family, our lover? I once asked my grandmother if she considered herself sexual at 67 years old and she said something that stuck with me… ”Sex is something you do to have children for a lot of women, and it wasn’t until 20 years after my marriages had ended that I began to enjoy sex as something for me with no goal but pleasure.”  Hearing her say this made me realize that I rarely just experienced pleasure for myself, even despite my regular masturbation sessions.  I was often just wanting to release, feel something, and feel grounded when it came to self-pleasure but I rarely took the time to just feel and be it.  Does that make sense?

Now, what’s true is your state right now as a new mother is one of giving/nurturing and it is a different vibration of love then what you share with your man.  However, it appears that the idea of you time A.K.A “self-care”  isn’t even on your check list.  Energy, time and hormones play a major role obviously but I think starting a little love time for you is in order, like yesterday.

May I suggest a little experiment?

Create a date for just you. Mark it on the calendar this week.

Spare an hour for yourself to shower, adorn yourself in your favorite jewelry and most delicious clothing (that you typically avoid because you wouldn’t want to get baby goo items on it), and just bring your hands to touch and adore your body.  Awakening your body to the most loving and sensual touch, over your breasts, your thighs, knowing that they are such a divine expression of creation (because you are a creator, a beautiful mother of love and power).  You are alive. Feel into yourself as a being not a doing.

I’d even invite you to have a little masturbation session with just complete presence.

Do this first for YOU.

Two to tango… bringing sexy time back to you and your man.

Maybe a little visual inspiration is in order, try watching something that excites you (a movie with a hot love scene or go XXX), viewing porn could definitely help get you back in touch with that raw energy of sexual yum.  Buy a video online and watch it with your man.

There are sooooo many options out there that could very well turn you on, check out Xandria (an online sex shop that prides itself on being discreet).

Sometimes we need a little inspiration to get the gears turning and there’s nothing wrong with that.  It’s like getting out a map when it’s been a few years since we took that journey, you may end up somewhere really fun plus, you’ll go there with your guy in tow.

I feel that being in conversation with your heart and inquiring about the beliefs, stories, fears, guilt, worries- is the key to healing and moving into the depths of what’s really creating blocks.  So, thank you for creating the space to do this by just typing these words into a little box and clicking send.

My whole goal in doing what I do is so that these conversations happen in a safe, loving space and that by experiencing that, we create that for others, especially our daughters and sons.  Thank you for the opportunity to be that space for you and your daughter.  She’s lucky to have you.

Big Care Bear Stare to you,

Ella

P.S. As you may know, I’m a big fan of homeopathic and natural remedies, and I try tinctures all the time. And, I happen to be attending a seminar tomorrow where I’ll be learning about natural ways to support our bodies from an M.D.  I plan on inquiring about hormone help for women of all ages and especially new mommies.   I just found these New Mama drops although I don’t know anyone who has out and out recommended them nor used them.  If you try them, let me know what you think/experience.  And what I learn tomorrow, will definitely be up on the blog, so check back.  xoxo

Who Did You Talk To About Sex?

A lot of the girls I grew up with during junior high came over to my house to ask questions about “being normal.” My mom was a nurse and we openly talked about all kinds of things with my friends… concerns about puberty, family problems, periods, hygiene. It was really amazing now that I think of it.

Throughout the 4061 square miles of Los Angeless, where I taught sexual health education to loads of 9th grade classrooms, the questions were still the same and 99% of them were fear based.
It was so overwhelming to know I was a rare person in their midst – a trustworthy, non-judgmental, informed and ask-able adult that they could really talk to. Therapists don’t get asked these kinds of questions and clinics get more of the aftermath appointments (not to mention they’re crowded and understaffed). Who did you get your info from? Was it reliable? Who can people talk to now? Their girlfriends, older sisters, boyfriends? Some of the knowledge and ideas out there are so crazy- Mountain Dew as a birth control douche!

Please don’t Do the Dew! (not kidding, this was a common rumor I had to dispel). Another funny but not funny question I often got was- “If I smoke a lot of pot, can I still get my girlfriend pregnant?” There’s over 20 to 150 million sperm per milliliter of semen , and decreasing it even by half by smoking, still leaves a high probability- it only takes one! God, I wish I knew about this site then instead of just teen.org, check out this: http://www.scarleteen.com.

When I first started liking boys, which was around age 3, I was the biggest flirt at Happy Hearts Pre-School and got in trouble quite a bit because I was very curious about everything and asked a lot of questions. That only increased as hormones got involved and then when I had my first boyfriend at 16, I actually didn’t want to go to my mom because it was just a bit too close to home (I loved and trusted my mom implicitly but I just felt weird asking her about guys and their parts). Enter my Grandie…

Grandie came to visit me right when I was just starting to date my boyfriend and kissing was the only thing on the menu thus far. As we sat in the back of my mom’s car, without any solicitation, my Gran said (in her proper British accent), “You know now that you have a boyfriend you should know how to properly bob on the knob and keep him happy.” I still chuckle remembering my mother’s eyes popping out of her head as she looked at me in the rear view mirror as if silently yelling at me to not indulge my Grandie.

In all seriousness though it was in her “no big deal” approach that this huge weight lifted off of me and my fear of not knowing what to do was alleviated. I’m so grateful to her and so are many of my girlfriends, their boyfriends, and coaching clients that I’ve passed her insight down to.

She proceeded to tell me how to breathe, relax and apply pressure (for those of you who haven’t seen Dangerous Beauty, a movie that came out in the late ’90s about a Venetian Courtesan- see it Jacqueline Bisset, does an awesome mentoring visual for her daughter turned courtesan…Here’s the trailer:

More than anything though, my gran’s nonchalant, “this is how to do it” came at a time that I was really insecure about pleasing my guy. I learned as I got older that it’s not about one person pleasing another so much as it is creating a mutual give/take and appreciation of the entirety of what goes on. Go team communication and exploration!

One of the most common questions I continue to get to this day is, “How do I please my partner?” And I think the most important thing is to get basic, practical knowledge and then just explore it with them. Confidence and openness are the secret ingredient to a healthy sexual relationship, with yourself AND your partner. If you’re in your head the whole time wondering if you’re doing a “good job” you’re not being present and I can guarantee both people on either end know that and it’s not as enjoyable.

Sexual expression is boring and a chore if you’re just killing time to “get to the good part.” There is no good part… the orgasm is just a bonus, the way people interact and come together is a really awesome exploratory dance of pleasure, fun, and release. It’s different every time if you’re present and that in and of itself is a PRESENT.

I invite you to really explore what you want and how to ask for it and then how to receive… with taking care of yourself and setting the groundwork, you can do the same for your partner. Do you know how to please yourself? Do you know what you like and how to ask for it? Are you present and aware and in the moment?

Feel free to post comments below or email questions/concerns to me and I’ll pick one a week to expound upon!

With a dash of wit and a whole lot of warmth,

Ella

P.S. I’m now offering expression and intention coaching sessions via skype, phone and in person (if you’re located in Los Angeles, San Francisco or Sedona)… I’d be honored to be a support system for you and help you get really present, aware and excited about who you are and what you have to give AND receive. Email me at: goaskella@gmail.com