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In college, I remember holding one of my besties while she sobbed that her boyfriend called her “replaceable” and asked me to pour her another cup of wine.
At the time, I thought it was an incredibly cruel thing to say and this phrase stitched itself into a lot of heartbreak hotel sleepovers.

Now, thanks to copious cups of pinot noir, filled journals, tear-filled pillows, crazy expensive international phone calls pre-skype and hours of meditation, I  understand that we receive what we believe and things only stick if they go uninvestigated one and two, ultimately nothing is permanent and nothing is “replaceable”.

You can never control someone’s roaming eye, our fate, another person’s definition and relationship to integrity, others’ actions and you can’t safeguard yourself against a breakup.  If it’s not meant to be, it’s not and better for it to our free will to take action (not reaction).

The whole people are in a life for a season, reason or lifetime bit is helpful to keep in mind.


“If a train doesn’t stop at your station, then it’s not your train.”

- Marianne Williamson



Enter Ralph Valentine giving…


Tis the season eh?  No, but seriously, being chosen or not, at the end of the day shouldn’t be your narrative evaluation report card people.  Boo on that, choose yourself always and if someone gets you or not, winning!

Someone choosing something other than you, in hindsight is always a gift (even if you can’t see it initially).

Which brings me to something I NEVER thought I would EVER say about all this: THANK YOU.

Thank you to every woman or man who came in towards the end of a relationship that originally threatened me and freaked me out.  You helped me understand my partner’s character better and ultimately, opened the door for me to leave a situation that was no longer working and have a harder time returning to a broken record that didn’t need to be on repeat.

New lovers don’t replace us, they just keep our past beds warm and therefore keep us out.  At first glance, we may feel out in the cold but really, we’re out in the world and we’re free.
The bookmark pillow talk “replacement” person hopefully will stay long enough for you to break the habit of looking back and wondering what if.  Thank you to every person in my life who started something and became my launchpad and litmus test beaker despite my protests.

Truly, thank you.

Neat-o factoid: This doesn’t just apply to a break up with a lover either, this is life – life IS your relationships (work, academic programs, friendships, apartments, your work-out, yoga, meditation, your budget, everything). Re-re-re-re-petition will continue to occur until we learn from our past and make better choices.  It’s all good, you’ve got plenty more opportunities to do better and accept yourself more for the next round.  As my dear and oh-so wise little French neighbor says in broken English over black coffee, “Sweetie, the only competition that’s worth having is with yourself, just do better next time.”

Don’t fear “the competition” because YOU ARE IRREPLACEABLE, period.

To the left, to the left,


True Health

True health doesn’t stem solely from what we eat or how many times we visit a yoga studio or gym.

It’s about relationships…

And I’m not just talking about our relationship status on Facebook, I’m talking about our relationships to everything: our past, our jobs, our creative expression, our family, our environment, our body, our food, our emotions, our spirit.

The holistic (the whole enchilada) approach to what’s up with our well-being is way more crucial than our calorie intake. Having the best routine and dietary regime won’t get to the root of why we feel like crap. Trust me.

Check out this incredible video from TED Talks that really spells it out.  Examining what your little red flags are is the best thing you could do for you and your world, that’s true health.

Lissa Rankin, MD is an OB/GYN physician, author, keynote speaker, consultant to health care visionaries, professional artist, and founder of the women’s health and wellness community OwningPink.com. Discouraged by the broken, patriarchal health care system, she left her medical practice in 2007 only to realize that you can quit your job, but you can’t quit your calling. This epiphany launched her on a journey of discovery that led her to become a leader in the field of mind/body medicine, which she blogs about at OwningPink.com and is writing about in her third book Mind Over Medicine: Scientific Proof You Can Heal Yourself (Hay House, 2013).

Girl Time- Not Just For Rolling In the Deep

I was pleasantly reminded this weekend that we don’t just need to gather with our gal pals when we’re rolling in the deep.  The red tent is needed as is what I liked to call the pink sparkly tent.

At Lightning In  A Bottle 2010 two brilliant (and gorgeous) doctor lady friends of mine busted out a full on pink explosion of a set up (hot pink fabric all over our tent along with feathers and a glittery buddha to boot).

Girlz Tent LIB 2010

Last night, I put on high heels, curled my hair and went out to Hollywood singing in the car with my pal Cheryl to Katy Perry.  To say I felt girly would be an understatement AND IT WAS SOOOOO MUCH FUN!

All Done Up & Giggles A-plenty ;-)

Not only did we enjoy being out, feeling good and looking good but you know what put the icing on the cake for me?  Getting ready together, sharing make-up tricks and being each other’s mirrors.

When I was a pre-teen I would crimp my hair at sleepovers and choreograph dance routines to the latest Janet Jackson or Paula Abdul single.  As I grew into a teen, it became about boys, make-up as well as styles of music, fashion and more.

What hot tips do you remember getting from your gal pals?  Do you still use them today?

Angie Ferretti taught me how to shave my legs, Rachelle McGraw taught me how to kiss a boy, Kirsten Mannweiller taught me how to put on eyeliner and Hannah Jern-Miller gave me my first tampon… I rarely think about what an impression these moments made but they soooo did.

In line with talking about relationships, great sex, Lady Gaga, kittens, good yoga teachers and what to wear, last night Cheryl and I were swapping stories on what deodorant to use…

I get this question a lot actually because I’ve been trying non-aluminum (non-anti-perspirant) stuff on the market for the past four years.  I told her I’d share my favorite go-to products for pits here today.

So here’s my hot underarm tip:

Go get you some Weleda Deodorant Spray (they have a couple scent choices, I love the Rose) mixed with a salt crystal stick.  You can find these at most natural grocery stores, Whole Foods market and online too.

I wet my skin down with Weleda and rollover it with the stick which prevents bacteria from gettin’ crazy (that’s what makes body odor, did you know that?).  Also, I’ve noticed that if I’m exercising and sweating my balls off regularly- I have less toxins in my system and therefore, voila! minimal underarm smell.  It also helps that I’m vegetarian, I’ve noticed a difference there too. It takes a month for your body to get used to using the spray and the crystal so don’t freak out, give it some time.

Why do I use these products? I’m a fan of putting things on and in my body that are natural.  Our skin absorbs what we put on it so I try to keep it simple.  Plus, perspiring is the body’s natural way of releasing and I prefer to roll with that instead of blocking it. I also like smelling like me and not like baby fresh evergreen oceanic mist.

Switching up your products is a good idea too, it keeps things fresh.  So I’ve also got some Tom’s of Maine tucked away in my toiletry case plus tea tree oil which is always a handy dandy product to have around (it kills bacteria and has a minty fresh tingling feeling that’s fun).

We learn so much from experience and sharing those experiences with our people.

I love getting insight into my ladies’ worlds because we become better women for it (and certainly a lot healthier, happier and damn sexier).

The gabbing and glamming is something that doesn’t EVER need to go away regardless of age.

It’s official, I’m a born-again girlz pink sparkly tent time instigator.  Viva las chicas!

Big ups for bosoms and  bosom buddies.  :-)

Love Dem Boobies, They Are Good

Turning Japanese, I really think so…

Hi Ella,

I’ve got a confession to make and I’m hoping you can shed some light on the subject…
I’ve got a bad habit of being nosey, especially when it comes to my boyfriends.

So I was kind of on my boyfriend’s computer (which he’s given me the password to) because I was checking email and stuff when I spent the night. Well, I typed in his search browser the letter “A” and up popped all these previous searches on Asian girls. I AM NOT ASIAN, I’m anything but and I began to snoop a bit in his bookmarked stuff (I couldn’t help myself).

Not only did I find tons of asian girl porn sites (mostly Japanese) but some other stuff too, stuff that we’ve never talked about and certainly haven’t done (like three ways and gargantuan breasts -and I’m not chesty either).

It freaked me out, can we say TMI???? and now I don’t know what to do. Do you think he’s more likely to cheat on me because I’m not asian or stacked? Do I tell him I snooped? I’m not traditional or conservative but I feel upset and very insecure. I totally don’t want to eat sushi with him like ever again.

Help! – Nosey Nancy

Dear Nosey Nancy,

Definitely lay off the sushi for a second and get a hold of your slippery fish insecurities.
Well, well, well- got a little too much information in that whirling brain of yours to process huh? Some stones are better left unturned and sometimes we only know this after the fact. I get that you didn’t intentionally seek out these secrets of the far east (great subject title by the way, I love that song by The Vapors do-do-do-do-do-do) but you did make a choice to dive in and do further “research.”

I just got this image in my mind, remember the kid who drank out of the chocolate river at the Wonka Chocolate Factory even though he was told not to… well, he fell in and got stuck in that tube and then got shot out like a cannon to the fudge room.
Congratulations, you’re my little Augustus Gloop for the day, fudge! It’s okay though, I’ll be your personal Oompa Loompa. Just like Augustus, you’re in a sticky situation that if you listened to your gut instinct instead of your voracious appetite, you would have avoided this mess. I get it though, it was tempting. I forgive you, can you forgive yourself?

All right, let’s break it down on how to clean this up…

Realize that men are more visual creatures than us ladies, statistically, and they don’t get emotionally caught up in their fantasies like we do. There isn’t enough time in the day for guys to go out and fulfill their sexual fantasies (and a lot of the time they don’t want to because it’s just, yup you guessed it, a fantasy).
So big deal, you’re not Asian and you’re not busty bazoom but your guy obviously is in a relationship with you and trusts you enough to gasp, give you the password to his computer (if that’s not trust, I don’t know what is ).


A little variety to spice things up is standard and checking things out on the computer is a safe way for people to explore their intrigues. On more than a few occasions, a teacher of mine told me that it didn’t matter how great or frequent sex was, that as a man, he was always biologically tuned and turned on to possible places to “drop off his eggs.” It’s nothing personal, it’s just the way it is and his solution was “make it easy and convenient (a no-brainer) for men to come to you and they won’t stray.” I don’t whole heartedly agree with him on all his views but I do think that men are more geared to be on the look out for sex and can sexualize anything, they’re hard wired to be and their desires are not a reflection or reaction to their satisfaction of their current relationship (in most cases). However, being paranoid and reacting to your own fears/insecurities is a sure-fire way to create distance and distrust in a relationship.

As for the Asian element, the main point is a fetish is a fetish, a fantasy and not based in the actual connection to a person because no one characteristic/ethnic attribute can represent or define a person wholly. We eroticize what we don’t have direct access to, that’s why strip clubs still exist and so does a porn collection for anything you could and couldn’t imagine not to mention the oldest profession in the world (read: escorts/courtesans and working gals on the corner or “special” massage parlors) . We can dress things up to create a veil of seduction but at the end of the day, you’re either paying for companionship in the sex department (on a site, at a club) or paying the price of not living/interacting with reality. And as for boobaliciousness and the other “stuff”- meh, it just proves that he’s a sexual being and he’s a Curious George of a human (read: there is no normal).

If a guy is unhappy in his relationship, you’ll most likely sense it and hopefully have an adult conversation about it. You can’t prevent anyone from cheating on you, trust me I’ve tried and it only ripped my relationships apart faster and with more fury.

Don’t spend time creating what you don’t want and know that if something isn’t syncing up, there’s a good reason.

You can only be you and if you’re not clicking, the better to know sooner than later for the both of you. In general, I don’t think men’s porn collections are something to be threatened by but I think your snooping implies that there’s something up with you (read: not him, YOU). If you have a tendency to be snooperiffic, then I’d take a good look in the mirror and think about what you’d not want your guy to know about you. We often react strongly to that which we resist in ourselves. Was there a time in your life that you cheated or thought about cheating? My guess is yes and you felt so crappy about it that you stuffed that part of you deep down and now attack that in others because it’s outstanding within yourself.

All you can do now that you’ve fell into the “T.M.I. river” here is get clear about how you feel, why you feel that way, what you can be responsible for and ask yourself what is your preferred outcome with your guy. I’d come clean, apologize and tell him how it happened and how you felt. Keep it simple and don’t accuse him of anything but just share your feelings and your fears about what came up for you. Talk it out, work it out and use this as an opportunity to come closer together, being real and honest. It’s certainly the first step on the road to recovery, trust first, love always and don’t be too hard on him or yourself.

“And you will live in happiness too!
Like the oompa-loompa doopity-do!”



How Do I Know What’s Right For Her?

Question of the Week


Dear Ella,

I’m feeling down today and thought I’d see if you had any advice for my situation. You see, I currently live in Portland but I’ve landed a really promising career opportunity in Boston.

It’s the right move for me but I’m worried about the change for my girlfriend.

She says she’s open to coming with me but I don’t want her to go for me, I want her to go because she really wants to. She loves her life as it is, her family is here in Portland and she’s really close to them.  I want her to come but I’m not sure if it’s the right thing for her.

What should we do?     – Brad

Dear Brad,

Congratulations on the new career digs, that’s really exciting. I think it’s wonderful that you’re going with what feels right for you and at the same time, you’re being considerate of your lady love. I actually advised my brother about this kind of situation several years ago and the truth is, only time will tell “the truth” because each person is unique and so is each experience. However, I do have a few thoughts I’d like to share…

As a fellow comrade in the process of shifting gears and changing cities, it is always a bit nerve-wracking because new is unknown and unknown is well, a question mark, isn’t it? Remember that excitement and anxiety/nervousness are the same coin, it just depends on how you flip it and what you focus on (read: turn the coin to the preferred side, wink wink, my vote is for excitement).

I also hear that you’re not wanting to be responsible for your girlfriend’s choices and more to the point, her happiness and guess what- you’re not. I would advise you to support her in choosing what she feels good about doing and if she changes her mind, comes to Boston and loves it or hates it, do not take it on.

If it’s meant to work out, you’ll both co-create that and do your best to concoct the perfect little venn diagram of love.

There’s nothing worse than not feeling free to follow your truth and if you don’t, you’ll both know soon enough.

Maybe you could both agree to give it six months either of doing long-distance or for her to move with you. Start maybe by sharing this post with her, it shows you obviously care and it may open up the conversation that you’re wanting to have. I find adventures to be more fun when you share them but sometimes the lone ranger journeys are what’s in order. Sounds like you’re well aware of what feels good for you to do for you, so do it and let the chips fall where they may.

FYI In the case of my brother, he moved to the city that called him and his girl followed but in doing so, made her life about him. She had no friends, family or anything in this new city but her relationship and that’s what she focused on. My brother on the other hand had everything at his finger tips and was living his life and began to feel burdened by the relationship because, yes you guessed it, he felt responsible for her happiness. In the end, the spark faded and the relationship fizzled because they were each living a different dream (which was no one’s fault).

Your girlfriend, Brad, will need to create her own life alongside you and the same with you, if you want it to work. Sacrifice and martyrdom is not sexy nor healthy, communication and negotiation/compromise are the tools to keeping the fire burning. I know I’ve been saying this a lot lately but it’s because it’s a great treasure to have in your tool box, go out and read Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz, read it together. Listen to it as a book on tape on your road trip across the U.S. and start your adventure out on the good foot, the right foot, the only foot- love and not fear.

Only you know what’s best for you and only she knows what’s best for her and it may take your leaving to have more clarity around that. Try not to make so much meaning about it just yet, you’ve got a blank chalkboard, have fun with it.

Marcus Yam/The New York Times

There’s nothing to solve, just draw and if it doesn’t feel right, erase and draw, draw again!

Happy trails,


Why You Can’t Win In A Battle of the Exes

Dreams of An Ex

Question of the Week

Dear Ella,

I have been in a relationship for about a year now.  My last relationship ended, well it ended not so well. And in my current relationship, my boyfriend has told me that I have sex dreams about my past boyfriend and told me I had called him by my ex’s name a few times when he tried to wake me up.

Each time when I woke up, I had no memory of the dreams. I have told him time and again that I have moved on, I don’t try and convince my self of this fact, I really don’t think of him.

He may pop up in my thoughts for some reason like I hear his name on tv or something, but that relationship ended, not well, but it ended.

So my question is how do I convince my boyfriend that I am over my ex and that although I had dreams of my ex (which I don’t remember) they don’t mean anything?  He thinks that because I am dreaming of him that I still want him or want to be with him.

I need some rational logic for the dream in which I don’t remember having but apparently had. I need some logical help here please!

Thanks a heap,


P.S. one more thing :)  How do I convince people that because I am trying to convince them I am over my ex I am really not otherwise I would not be trying to convince them that I am.  Does that make sense?

Dear Judy,

Your unconscious self is making a bit of trouble for you hmm? Ex dreams can be extreme and extremely discomforting, especially when they’re audible to your current lover. I hear you, loud and clear, no pun intended.

It’s not uncommon to have a sex dream but the fact that they are recurring raises my eyebrows and undoubtedly your current partner’s fears. I gather that you no longer are interested in being with your previous partner (sexually or otherwise) but I have a hunch that when that relationship ended, you buried an aspect of yourself with it and now it’s rising up.

You mention that you and your ex did not end things well. Often when we’ve let someone in, intimately, we’ve allowed them to have access to us and we’ve felt safe. When you’re deeply hurt in an intimate relationship, it’s a challenge to open up again, feeling that we can trust someone new and more importantly, trust ourselves. Plus, there’s the whole element of associating your sexuality with a previous partner(s).

TIP: Try visualizing cutting cords with them, literally, imagine strings attached from them to you and get super imaginative with a massive pair of scissors and cut. Clients and friends I’ve done this with in sessions have had a ball doing it.

Say MY Name, b%$##!

Calling out your ex’s name is pretty hard core and difficult to stomach for anyone.  Here’s a thought- Did you find that you felt more free to explore your animalistic side in this previous relationship? I’ve heard time and time again that the best sex has often been with dysfunctional, “crazy” lovers and then we wonder why the relationship is unstable and often over before it’s begun. But here’s the clinker, this issue isn’t about anyone but you… pssst the “best sex you’ve ever had” is due to your comfort level with yourself and what you were willing to receive/explore/give/create at that moment in time.

Sleep to Dream Per Chance To Heal

Your dream shout-outs to your ex, in my humble opinion, are actually a call to arms for you to honor that which you’ve decided to push away within yourself and it’s not serving your health so that’s why is bubbling to the surface.

What we suppress comes out somewhere in the wash even when we think we’re masters at hiding or have become great at hiding things from ourselves. I’m not going to get Freudian or Jungian on you because I don’t know what your dream consisted of (and neither do you at this point) but this website is a cool resource for analyzing dreams, there’s even a little section that directly addresses “ex sex”: DreamMoods.com. Just scroll to “Sex,” it’s set up like a dictionary.

One more goodie, oh thank goodness I know this TIP:
This month happens to be the first time in eight years that Venus (yes the planet, ruler of beauty/sex/love) has gone retrograde in Scorpio(hello passion/intensity/sexuality/sneakiness secretiveness). You’ve probably often heard of Mercury going into Retrograde and told to be careful signing contracts or traveling during that cycle but this Aphrodite Ouchie-Wah Wah brigade is something different all together. It’s said that this month is the month that you deal with your romantic skeletons in the closet, have ex-lover run-ins (in reality or in dream states), etc. For more details, check out InHarmony Astrology by clicking here. People all over the planet are experiencing their sexual past in a big way right now and it makes a lot of sense once you read about the uber-dramatic tango Venus is dancing (read: you’re not crazy, the stars are just having their way with you and helping you clear out karma junk with hauntings of your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend past).

Time to Play Hide N’ Seek On Your Terms

I invite you to work with someone (read: someone you don’t know personally and doesn’t know your current or ex partner), to uncover what you’re tucked away be it a belief, a story, a fear, et cetera. A little outside perspective from someone who is not directly related to you personally is a huge gift you could give to yourself. It’s less emotionally charged and you’re more likely to be honest with yourself and see the situation in a new light. And for now, I would stop worrying about everyone else and trying to convince them of anything. If they’re at all sensitive to you and care about you, they are just bringing up their concern because something is off and they recognize it. The more you try to resist that, the more you give whatever you’re trying to resist power (and it’s ever more visible). Get in the trenches, I promise you’ll feel a heck of a lot better. It won’t be as complicated as you think and with the right support and tools, you’ll be a crackerjack expert on how to love you more. Go team!

With a Rosie-the-Riveter flex and a follow-up hug…

Sweet dreams,


P.S. If you found this post to be helpful…This site runs on your donations, please support Go Ask Ella by making a little click and sending a dollar or twenty her way so she can keep researching and responding to all of your questions. Thank you!

How To End A Relationship That Just Isn’t Right

Question of the Week

Hi Ella –

I have been dating my guy for about 11 months. I love him very much but have realized that this is not the right relationship for me. I tried to break it off, and told him a few reasons why I wanted to end things. He has asked me to give him time to work on making the relationship more satisfying for us both.

I agreed to give it a month and set a date for a review at which time we will reassess. Now, our dynamic has completely shifted, and I feel as if I am in a relationship with his abandonment issues. I am even more convinced that this is not right for me. I still intend to give it the month, but my question to you is how does one end a relationship that isn’t right in a loving way?

Thanks ~ R

Dear R,

You’ve read the sweet old story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears I’m sure, well welcome to the grown-up version of hunting down “just right.” Relationships are not unlike the hard or too soft bed and the piping hot or too cold porridge, they’re opportunities to find out what feels just right for you and communicate that clearly (to yourself and your partners). Breaking up is hard to do and it’s never a “good time.” It feels like you’re attempting to do the “right” thing and be nice but being nice is a way of covering up what you think is ugly. Honesty isn’t ugly nor is the fact that this isn’t working. You have an opportunity to shift so you’re that much closer to being aligned with who you really are and you also give him this gift (although at first he may not see it that way).

Keep it simple, have compassion and be honest, facts are facts. “This just doesn’t feel right for me, I’m unhappy because I’m not listening to my heart and I really feel what’s best is to no longer be in a romantic/dating relationship. “

He can’t argue with you about your likes or dislikes or your feelings if you are clear and leave no room for misinterpretation.  I wouldn’t go so far as to give him an analysis of his issues (abandonment) but that for you, being in this relationship doesn’t feel good, period. People don’t argue with someone about whether or not they have an upset stomach or are allergic to shellfish right?

Come from that space of clear understanding, it’s not about him, really it isn’t, this is about you knowing what is true, period.

And how great that you were willing to really give it a shot and now know without a doubt that this relationship doesn’t serve either of you. My question for you is why wait? Who are you afraid of being? Check out the chorus of this one:

Talk about waiting til St. Patrick’s Day!

I once tried to wait out a dead end relationship through the winter holidays , talk about torture (for everyone). Dragging it out leads to dragging it out, as you’re already experiencing. Take the band-aid approach, let ‘er rip.

When your energy is being drained and you feel out of alignment with your truth, it doesn’t serve anyone. If someone doesn’t want to hear something, they’re going to continue to resist it whether you’re good, bad or ugly about it. That’s on them, not on you. All you can do is be honest first with yourself, then with others or in this case your soon-to-be ex. And remember, when it starts to get challenging and your frustration challenges your ability to be loving- feel into how much you do love him and yourself and that’s why you’re doing what’s best for both of your highest goods.

When we drag things out, the person who is holding on begins to hope or worse, will believe that they’re not enough and play the “well maybe if I ___, then they’ll love me.”

It’s not a question if you love him or if he’s loveable/worthy/enough. Honesty isn’t a lonely word if it’s infused with compassion and I believe that you can cleanly express your needs and then draw the line in the sand, ending this relationship once and for all. Have compassion for him that he doesn’t feel enough but don’t play the martyr. The sooner you do move forward, the sooner you’ll both be able to move on and find that “just right, ahhhh” situation whether it is solo or in union.

Lots of love,


P.S. Give yourself a little salve for your wounds and check out a book by Don Miguel Ruiz called the Mastery of Love, share it with him and remember your happiness and his happiness are independent pieces of the pie, always.

Friend Sex

Dear Ella,
I was having a discussion with a friend the other night and we were talking about the dangers of having guy friends.
My friend told me she generally has a hard time having women friends and prefers to have male friends. I began to think about the famous quote from “When Harry Met Sally” when Harry tells Sally that men and women cannot be friends. That there is always some sexual attraction.
Upon further discussion with my friend on this matter, it came to my attention that I have made out with almost all of my male friends. So I guess my question to you is : Is it possible to have a completely platonic relationship with the opposite sex without someone having these feelings for one another? Furthermore, do you have any advice to those who have crossed the thin line of friendship and more and wanting to patch things over so things aren’t as awkward.
Mildred Darling

Dearest Mildred (love your chosen name btw),

Plenty of people, the world over have platonic friendships without sexing up the place. However, if you’re attracted to someone it is more likely that you will respond to that chemical reaction should circumstances, timing and reciprocity have a party. I do believe that men and women just like gay women and straight women or bois and boys can have awesome connections that don’t involve body parts.

I’ve admittedly “crossed” the line too with a lot of my friends over the years and sometimes once that happened, we were over each other as potential lovers and were able to move on to a great friendship or sometimes the relationship in its entirety disintegrated. We make up a whole load of stories to justify our bodies’ natural inclination to get naked and that’s why we have our intellect. Friend sex can be just that but I’d venture to say more than a few times, someone will read into it as more than sex. This is where it gets sticky. When it’s more than sex to one person, attachment and expectations kick in. The truth of the matter is we don’t accidentally make out and mess around (even if alcohol lubricates the situation by removing judgment) and if it’s just that, you’re not a bad person- you’re human. There’s nothing wrong with attraction and acting on it if it doesn’t hurt other people and if it does than you learn from it.

As far as cleaning up your messes or leaky awkwardness, the best remedy is communication and time. It once took five years for a friend and I to get over our choice to “hook-up” and I don’t judge the length or level of awkwardness, it was what it was. To top it off, I recently laid down some boundaries with friends when I became single. Being to the point, honest, loving and accountable is really healthy for all parties. No one can argue with your truth, it’s like arguing about if you like store bought tomatoes or not. Is someone going to disagree with you if you’re clear and express that? Not likely.

I think men may have a harder time not sizing up their attractive lady friends as potential sex and women (at least from my experience) get a bit more mental and emotional in their assessment. Tension dissipates over time or it doesn’t, you just have to make a decision with yourself and honor it (and sometimes reassess it).

A great awareness to have is asking yourself if you’re spending time with these guys to get attention and feel attractive. It’s not fair to play that card and expect different game results. Waffling back and forth can be fun but it’s also really stressful and agitating. Make a decision, move forward. As a woman, I feel we call the shots more than we admit or are conscious of- own an empowered stance, Sadie Hawkins it up or sit it out. There’s no blanketed rule like Harry suggests unless your ego is running rampant in need of validation (we often use sex to make us feel good and valuable). However, I appreciate how to the point he is (even though it’s kind of limiting to think that way).

P.S. A lot of heat behind Harry’s argument is based on the fact that men have a stronger libido and they do. Check out this article on sex drives of genders: http://www.webmd.com/sex/features/sex-drive-how-do-men-women-compare

It’s Not You Having Sex With Your Boyfriend

Question of the Week

Dear Ella,

The other day I was having sex with my boyfriend. We’d just finished having a pretty intense conversation about our past lovers and I noticed I was jealous and feeling weird. When we had sex it was really fiery and I felt like I was almost someone else.
What do you think that means? Has that ever happened to you?

Feeling out of sorts,


Hi Emily,

I wanted to respond to you initially with my face, here it is (and a few thoughts to go along with it).

For some of you the concept of the pain body is old news and for others, you guys may be wondering what crack is Ella smoking. To get down to basics, I’d recommend that anyone and everyone read Eckhard Tolle’s A New Earth. It’s a remarkable book that succinctly and simply conveys truths about what’s really behind our disconnection to ourselves and ultimately our world.

In a nut shell, witchiness and woo woo words aside, I believe we have the ability to create a more enjoyable experience during our time in these bodies of ours and the more we can do to unveil truth, the more full of it we become (instead of full of B.S.). No one is to blame really, it’s often easier to believe lies about ourselves and use relationships, experiences, conversations to regurgitate back to us our very broken record of “I’m not enough,” “no one is ever going to love me,” “I’m not beautiful” and my personal favorite: “I’m all alone”.

As you may sense, this question you’ve asked elicits a different response than what say, Dr. Ruth would advise but that’s why you’re asking me and not her. A great question to ask yourself when you notice that some thing is off is “where do I feel this in my body?” and “what do I love about feeling this way?” If we keep feeling something or rather the lack of something, there’s a pay-off otherwise we wouldn’t be doing it. Some agreement has been made. I’ve said before in other posts that we often get addicted to jealousy and the drama of our relationship because it creates fire, ignites sparks and makes us feel something.

Bringing up the past can be a pandora’s box especially if you’re not taking into account the pain body. Watch the stories and thoughts that spin, be aware of why you feel the need to pounce your partner. Are you pouncing to release or further injure or to avoid feeling what’s under the anger/jealousy?

There’s so much more I can say here but I’ll leave it for now as this little appetizer and simple green salad.

Be well indeedy,