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Once you care…


Simply stated, fair enough.


For a more pour you a cup of tea and become swaddled in morning warmth around being fucked, I invoke Kahlil Gibran’s words on Love:


     When love beckons to you, follow him,
     Though his ways are hard and steep.
     And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
     Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
     And when he speaks to you believe in  him,
     Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
     For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.
     Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
     Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun.
     So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
     Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
     He threshes you to make you naked.
     He sifts you to free you from your husks.
     He grinds you to whiteness.
     He kneads you until you are pliant.
     And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God’s sacred feast.
     All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life’s heart.
     But if in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure,
     Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing-floor,
     Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.



Caring sometimes isn’t a choice but your reaction (to everything) is.

Question the mind, honor the heart and when you’re faced with feeling really red (or read) all over because you can’t hide how you feel, feel it and witness it.

The aspect of you that bears witness is the kinder one, the compassionate one and sometimes being fucked is what we sign up for so we can have our branches pruned to bear better, sweeter fruit.

Mastering our emotions isn’t a destination, a place you get to and kick off your shoes, hang your hat and be done with.  We feel, if we didn’t we’d be sociopaths however being tossed around by our emotions is our opportunity to learn to surf and witness our story.

tidal wave novel

Hang ten?







Turning Japanese, I really think so…

Hi Ella,

I’ve got a confession to make and I’m hoping you can shed some light on the subject…
I’ve got a bad habit of being nosey, especially when it comes to my boyfriends.

So I was kind of on my boyfriend’s computer (which he’s given me the password to) because I was checking email and stuff when I spent the night. Well, I typed in his search browser the letter “A” and up popped all these previous searches on Asian girls. I AM NOT ASIAN, I’m anything but and I began to snoop a bit in his bookmarked stuff (I couldn’t help myself).

Not only did I find tons of asian girl porn sites (mostly Japanese) but some other stuff too, stuff that we’ve never talked about and certainly haven’t done (like three ways and gargantuan breasts -and I’m not chesty either).

It freaked me out, can we say TMI???? and now I don’t know what to do. Do you think he’s more likely to cheat on me because I’m not asian or stacked? Do I tell him I snooped? I’m not traditional or conservative but I feel upset and very insecure. I totally don’t want to eat sushi with him like ever again.

Help! – Nosey Nancy

Dear Nosey Nancy,

Definitely lay off the sushi for a second and get a hold of your slippery fish insecurities.
Well, well, well- got a little too much information in that whirling brain of yours to process huh? Some stones are better left unturned and sometimes we only know this after the fact. I get that you didn’t intentionally seek out these secrets of the far east (great subject title by the way, I love that song by The Vapors do-do-do-do-do-do) but you did make a choice to dive in and do further “research.”

I just got this image in my mind, remember the kid who drank out of the chocolate river at the Wonka Chocolate Factory even though he was told not to… well, he fell in and got stuck in that tube and then got shot out like a cannon to the fudge room.
Congratulations, you’re my little Augustus Gloop for the day, fudge! It’s okay though, I’ll be your personal Oompa Loompa. Just like Augustus, you’re in a sticky situation that if you listened to your gut instinct instead of your voracious appetite, you would have avoided this mess. I get it though, it was tempting. I forgive you, can you forgive yourself?

All right, let’s break it down on how to clean this up…

Realize that men are more visual creatures than us ladies, statistically, and they don’t get emotionally caught up in their fantasies like we do. There isn’t enough time in the day for guys to go out and fulfill their sexual fantasies (and a lot of the time they don’t want to because it’s just, yup you guessed it, a fantasy).
So big deal, you’re not Asian and you’re not busty bazoom but your guy obviously is in a relationship with you and trusts you enough to gasp, give you the password to his computer (if that’s not trust, I don’t know what is ).


A little variety to spice things up is standard and checking things out on the computer is a safe way for people to explore their intrigues. On more than a few occasions, a teacher of mine told me that it didn’t matter how great or frequent sex was, that as a man, he was always biologically tuned and turned on to possible places to “drop off his eggs.” It’s nothing personal, it’s just the way it is and his solution was “make it easy and convenient (a no-brainer) for men to come to you and they won’t stray.” I don’t whole heartedly agree with him on all his views but I do think that men are more geared to be on the look out for sex and can sexualize anything, they’re hard wired to be and their desires are not a reflection or reaction to their satisfaction of their current relationship (in most cases). However, being paranoid and reacting to your own fears/insecurities is a sure-fire way to create distance and distrust in a relationship.

As for the Asian element, the main point is a fetish is a fetish, a fantasy and not based in the actual connection to a person because no one characteristic/ethnic attribute can represent or define a person wholly. We eroticize what we don’t have direct access to, that’s why strip clubs still exist and so does a porn collection for anything you could and couldn’t imagine not to mention the oldest profession in the world (read: escorts/courtesans and working gals on the corner or “special” massage parlors) . We can dress things up to create a veil of seduction but at the end of the day, you’re either paying for companionship in the sex department (on a site, at a club) or paying the price of not living/interacting with reality. And as for boobaliciousness and the other “stuff”- meh, it just proves that he’s a sexual being and he’s a Curious George of a human (read: there is no normal).

If a guy is unhappy in his relationship, you’ll most likely sense it and hopefully have an adult conversation about it. You can’t prevent anyone from cheating on you, trust me I’ve tried and it only ripped my relationships apart faster and with more fury.

Don’t spend time creating what you don’t want and know that if something isn’t syncing up, there’s a good reason.

You can only be you and if you’re not clicking, the better to know sooner than later for the both of you. In general, I don’t think men’s porn collections are something to be threatened by but I think your snooping implies that there’s something up with you (read: not him, YOU). If you have a tendency to be snooperiffic, then I’d take a good look in the mirror and think about what you’d not want your guy to know about you. We often react strongly to that which we resist in ourselves. Was there a time in your life that you cheated or thought about cheating? My guess is yes and you felt so crappy about it that you stuffed that part of you deep down and now attack that in others because it’s outstanding within yourself.

All you can do now that you’ve fell into the “T.M.I. river” here is get clear about how you feel, why you feel that way, what you can be responsible for and ask yourself what is your preferred outcome with your guy. I’d come clean, apologize and tell him how it happened and how you felt. Keep it simple and don’t accuse him of anything but just share your feelings and your fears about what came up for you. Talk it out, work it out and use this as an opportunity to come closer together, being real and honest. It’s certainly the first step on the road to recovery, trust first, love always and don’t be too hard on him or yourself.

“And you will live in happiness too!
Like the oompa-loompa doopity-do!”



When Is It Time To Do The Deed?

Question of the Week…

Hi Ella,

Thank you so much for doing what you do. It’s awesome to know that there’s a real person out there that has some wisdom and is willing to drop it, in public no less.
I’m wondering if you could answer this question, my girls and I talk about it all the time and we never have a solution.
When do you think is the right time for someone to have sex with their partner?
I’ve been dating this guy for awhile and one friend says why wait, know what their skills are before you commit and another says to make him work for it. I don’t want to make him work for anything. I want to have sex and I really like him so I don’t want to fuck it up. Do you believe in that old saying, “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”

Can’t wait to hear your thoughts Miss Ella!



Oh mooooo! We’re sacred cows, I’m into that. You know as much as I’m into being REAL and not playing games, I’ve begun to see that there are some fundamental truths about sex and the dance between lovers-to-be.
I believe that it’s the same dance regardless of it being your first time ever or your first time with a new partner, it always IS actually the first time. Who you are right now is not who you were yesterday, five years ago, five seconds ago and only you know the truth regarding when “it’s time.” Some say we must judge by our past but the more I live my life’s lessons, the more I see that you have to check in with what’s true and what’s being presented right now to know what’s real. Your girls want what’s best for you I’m sure but they also want their ideas about love, men, sex to be right and when you share your world with them, you’re opening yourself to their projections. You know what you need to know when you know it and speculation is just frenzy filled drama bomb waiting to happen. I’ve also recently learned this the hard way. At the end of the day it’s you in the bedroom and it’s your reality (no one else has any business being there but who you invite). So be careful what you invite in.

Not sure if you’ve seen Eat Pray Love as it only came out last week but this question makes me think of Elizabeth Gilbert’s story that I read and now have watched with the gorgeous Javier Bardem, Billy Crudup, James Franco (mmm what a lineup of eye candy, thank you!) and the lovely Julia Roberts.
In the film, it occurs to Liz’s lover (Javier Bardem) that they’ve not yet done the deed and it’s time and he let’s her know by coming up to her, distracting her from her cozy book reading session with an outstretched hand and saying “Liz, it’s time.”

Oh Hollywood, you little fantasy fisherman you- well, I don’t know about you but I bought hook, line and sinker. Now, to be fair, the couple had been learning about each other, developing quite a friendship and level of intimacy for some time. And it was the man’s son who asked if they’d “done it yet.” The reason Liz and Felipe had taken their sweet time was because they’d both been super burned in previous relationships and fear had paved their road with caution. Sometimes we need to put our hands on a hot stove to know to be a bit patient, lessons are lessons, no? When we’re first on the scene we have a lot of stories about love (and even if we’ve been broken and fallen several times) we still have a lot to learn about what’s real and what everything is worth.

You have to ask yourself if it feels right and preferably not when you’re in the midst of an all consuming make out session.
Sex is sex but for most people we make it mean something and if you’re interested in partnership, you have to weigh in that it takes awhile for you to know someone, trust them and feel good about going the distance (aside from them being ridiculously good looking and saying all the right things).

So how long is long enough? When is it time for two to become one and welcome them to the party in your pants (and hopefully your heart)? It depends on a few factors…

1) How long have you known each other?
2) Are you both interested in the same thing? (i.e. a monogamous relationship)
3) Is there something there beyond desire?
4) What will sex mean to you?
5) What would you advise your best friend if roles were reversed?

I think we often throw caution to the wind when we’re in love and we make sense of a whole story without knowing the characters at all. With all the Sex & The City rah-rah, let’s fuck and be empowered stuff that’s thrown around like our new banner of sexual liberation it can get confusing. It almost seems like when someone wants to wait or take their time that it’s an insult to their new love interest. Would you buy a car after one look? Would you invite just anyone off the street to house-sit? In regards to this very same conversation, my very dear friend asked me this morning, “Ella, when you’re making a big purchase do you just hand over your credit card or do a bit of research first?” Well, your body, your heart, your life is worth a hell of a lot more consideration than any purchase I can dream of and yet we worry that we’ll appear old fashioned and not with the times. We’re not Jane Austen characters but we still have sense and sensibilities that must be attended to.

Fuckery is one thing, love and sustainability is another. If it’s a hit it and quit it situation that’s your prerogative but I think at a certain point you have to acknowledge your own worth, celebrate it and allow someone to worship and revere you. Are you ready? It’s a hell of a journey, trust me, I know. And, only you can know when you feel you’ve give yourself enough time to suss out what feels right. In simple terms, more than a week, preferably more than a month, ideally more than two. Communicate with yourself about it and then talk to your lover. Talk about what you want, share your fears, desires, excitement and if they genuinely care, they’ll take the time to learn you too. You don’t need to set a date on the calendar and book a night at Hotel Paris or anything. You can go to the drawing board at any point and renegotiate but get clear what’s true for you first and then address it with your guy. Men will say anything to get you in bed, that’s their biological objective and even when they think they mean what they’re saying you can’t know by words. Heck, I’ve eve been guilty of that and I don’t produce millions of sperm a day.
The proof is in the pudding, actions speak louder than words, your heart speaks louder than your loins (and you have to learn to tune your ear properly before jumping in).

Good luck pudding pop,


P.S. A lot of psychology books I’ve read suggest three months as the general rule of thumb, I used to roll my eyes at this and say “yah not in this century.” But as I get older I realize that we’re much more of a prize than we’ve ever realized and we owe it ourselves to honor and appreciate our own value before we can expect someone else to get it. Like attracts like no? Plus, once sex happens for most women we get more attached and we don’t look with clear perception upon our lovers. Better to be clear before the red light special makes things hazy. Any comments from the peanut gallery welcome!

Ella, Get Your Gun

I recently had the privilege of spending time with a perfect gentleman who happens to pack heat. He doesn’t just own a gun, he owns an arsenal of weaponry. Having always been terrified of weapons, specifically items that shoot, maim and kill, we got into a conversation around them.

The reason to fear anything is to feel powerless to it and/or to not know it. Now, it’s in my opinion a very healthy reaction to be intimidated by a gun but to fear one doesn’t serve. So , I decided to face that and look down the barrel.

There are five things I’ve feared in my life, several have been utterly irrational (borderline ridiculous):

*the dark
*riding a bike (strangely enough, no fear of motorcycles just bicycles)
*dizzying heights
*weapons/machinery that can injure/kill (this included nail clippers)

What links them? Not being in control.
I know you’re thinking- snails? Really? But I really did think they were out to get me and slugs too, mind you I was seven and had recently watched “Slugs” (a C movie thriller about killer slugs) but it stuck with me most of my life and my heart rate still goes up when I see a trail.

Climbing Machu Picchu and its treacherous sister Wayna Picchu, up rope ladders and down broken ancient steps in the face of mile drop cliffs in the rain knocked a lot of my “I can’t do this” mind chatter. Being kissed in elevators by a very cute boy from lobby to destination helped immensely. I can sleep in the dark now as long as I don’t watch creepy or intense films (had to learn that the hard way, thank you 28 Days Later and An American Werewolf in London). I have injured myself quite a bit using sharp tools and just feel better at the end of the day hiring a manicurist to cut my nails, so that’s my indulgence.
And a wee bit of a shout out goes to Monique Manning for enticing me with Venice Beach in the summer time and lending me a bicycle after fifteen years of not riding. White knuckled and sweaty palms were present but I so enjoyed that breeze and the sound of the spokes spinning.

So, that leaves us with weapons of mass, minor and/or any destruction.
I watched the video at the gun club and initialed all over the disclosure forms. Placed the audio/visual protection on my head in the appropriate places and walked into what felt like a batting cage gone G.I. Joe. I was rattled and watched my friend educate me about my first weapon, the Ladysmith. A small revolver. It’s no joke, bang bang you’re dead. It’s not a toy and the first moment that hit me was when I loaded it. The idea that we’ve made things in this world to kill and destroy for centuries just blows my mind (pun not initially intended). Each bullet, each firearm has quite a history, quite an intent behind it. Reverence isn’t quite the word I’d use but respect for the sheer creation of it filled me. It’s not the machine that kills but that hands that hold it. So what was I going to kill? Is it ever a good idea to kill anything? In self-defense? I’m just not sure but what I do know is I wanted to understand my fear and to experience it.
Click here for little Ella Bond Girl movie action

It didn’t occur to me until this week when I placed five bullets in a revolver that my fear of bicycles and guns were related.
Funny how we just forget things. When I was ten years old, I had just begun to ride a bike (with training wheels) and I was very much so laughed at by the kids I rode by. I was motivated by humiliation to learn and yet that following year, my childhood friend Mary Lou Enriquez was hit by a car while riding her bike and she died. I stopped riding. The next year, her brother Jesus was playing at another kid’s house who happened to have a father who happened to own a gun. Jesus and this kid decided to play with this shiny toy one afternoon. The gun was held up to Jesus’ face in jest, the trigger was pulled and it was loaded. The Enriquez family lost two of their children in less than a year, the mother still tends to a memorial garden at my elementary school to this day and I’ve been highly resistant to bicycling and guns ever since.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen “bad” things happen and I’ve just deemed them inexcusable but to ignore, deny and resist them is to disconnect. Denying any one thing or deeming it evil without looking at it, having compassion for it, is a great loss. Everything that stands, kneels, shouts or shoots before us has something to teach us so don’t put your fingers in your ears and go “la-la-la-la, I can’t hear you.”

Watching the shooting club fill up around me, I couldn’t help but wonder what about shooting “did it” for them. Maybe to relieve anger, to feel powerful, to feel prepared. I could feel all of that around me and had to stay really conscious of it in order to be clear what my intention was. Each round, each weapon I became acquainted with was held by me and as I held it and cocked them, I was clear of my target- to release my fear, to know myself and be fully present for a moment that would not repeat itself. Churchill said that there was “nothing to fear but fear itself” and I decided to acknowledge, engage and destroy it with complete focus. In my yoga warrior series training, my teacher often reminded us that in order for the wise to continue to hold and share their knowledge, they must also be able to defend themselves (keepers of sacred texts have had to get bad-ass from time to time, no?). To be able to battle, to destroy and to choose- is true power. I’ve been afraid of guns because I didn’t know what to do with them and I assumed I would be the target. Big, looming questionable characters in alley ways are only scary if you don’t know how to defend yourself and if you pretend they’re not there. As a woman, who’s carried keys in between her knuckles every time she’s alone at night- was I inviting that possibility of an attacker in or am I being prepared and aware? It’s a delicate balance.

Is fear ever obliterated? Can we have control over anything? No and yes. We have control over how we show up and what we choose. I still have moments when I’m afraid of the dark but it lessens each time I grab a hold of the light within me that speaks my truth and sometimes I still have to turn on all the actual lamp lights. There’s no shame in knowing what you fear but it’s a disservice to think you’re ever completely over something or utterly under it. What you do have is the moment, seize it. What’s stronger than fear? Love. Ask yourself how can I be more loving and compassionate in this place that I stand right now and then you must consistently choose it, over and over again. That’s the real definition of carpe diem in my humble opinion.

There are ultimately ONLY two choices in life- fear and love. What are you choosing?
We have quite an arsenal within ourselves, a thousand tools at our disposal, a bajillion stories. Our mind, our body, our heart, our eyes, our ears, our hands- how can we make better use of them? What keeps repeating incessantly in my brain is “kill ‘em with kindness, kill ‘em with kindness.” I don’t think I’ve ever quite understood what this meant until now.