I’ve got a confession to make and I’m hoping you can shed some light on the subject…
I’ve got a bad habit of being nosey, especially when it comes to my boyfriends.
So I was kind of on my boyfriend’s computer (which he’s given me the password to) because I was checking email and stuff when I spent the night. Well, I typed in his search browser the letter “A” and up popped all these previous searches on Asian girls. I AM NOT ASIAN, I’m anything but and I began to snoop a bit in his bookmarked stuff (I couldn’t help myself).
Not only did I find tons of asian girl porn sites (mostly Japanese) but some other stuff too, stuff that we’ve never talked about and certainly haven’t done (like three ways and gargantuan breasts -and I’m not chesty either).
It freaked me out, can we say TMI???? and now I don’t know what to do. Do you think he’s more likely to cheat on me because I’m not asian or stacked? Do I tell him I snooped? I’m not traditional or conservative but I feel upset and very insecure. I totally don’t want to eat sushi with him like ever again.
Help! – Nosey Nancy
Dear Nosey Nancy,
Definitely lay off the sushi for a second and get a hold of your slippery fish insecurities.
Well, well, well- got a little too much information in that whirling brain of yours to process huh? Some stones are better left unturned and sometimes we only know this after the fact. I get that you didn’t intentionally seek out these secrets of the far east (great subject title by the way, I love that song by The Vapors do-do-do-do-do-do) but you did make a choice to dive in and do further “research.”
I just got this image in my mind, remember the kid who drank out of the chocolate river at the Wonka Chocolate Factory even though he was told not to… well, he fell in and got stuck in that tube and then got shot out like a cannon to the fudge room.
Congratulations, you’re my little Augustus Gloop for the day, fudge! It’s okay though, I’ll be your personal Oompa Loompa. Just like Augustus, you’re in a sticky situation that if you listened to your gut instinct instead of your voracious appetite, you would have avoided this mess. I get it though, it was tempting. I forgive you, can you forgive yourself?
All right, let’s break it down on how to clean this up…
Realize that men are more visual creatures than us ladies, statistically, and they don’t get emotionally caught up in their fantasies like we do. There isn’t enough time in the day for guys to go out and fulfill their sexual fantasies (and a lot of the time they don’t want to because it’s just, yup you guessed it, a fantasy).
So big deal, you’re not Asian and you’re not busty bazoom but your guy obviously is in a relationship with you and trusts you enough to gasp, give you the password to his computer (if that’s not trust, I don’t know what is ).
A little variety to spice things up is standard and checking things out on the computer is a safe way for people to explore their intrigues. On more than a few occasions, a teacher of mine told me that it didn’t matter how great or frequent sex was, that as a man, he was always biologically tuned and turned on to possible places to “drop off his eggs.” It’s nothing personal, it’s just the way it is and his solution was “make it easy and convenient (a no-brainer) for men to come to you and they won’t stray.” I don’t whole heartedly agree with him on all his views but I do think that men are more geared to be on the look out for sex and can sexualize anything, they’re hard wired to be and their desires are not a reflection or reaction to their satisfaction of their current relationship (in most cases). However, being paranoid and reacting to your own fears/insecurities is a sure-fire way to create distance and distrust in a relationship.
As for the Asian element, the main point is a fetish is a fetish, a fantasy and not based in the actual connection to a person because no one characteristic/ethnic attribute can represent or define a person wholly. We eroticize what we don’t have direct access to, that’s why strip clubs still exist and so does a porn collection for anything you could and couldn’t imagine not to mention the oldest profession in the world (read: escorts/courtesans and working gals on the corner or “special” massage parlors) . We can dress things up to create a veil of seduction but at the end of the day, you’re either paying for companionship in the sex department (on a site, at a club) or paying the price of not living/interacting with reality. And as for boobaliciousness and the other “stuff”- meh, it just proves that he’s a sexual being and he’s a Curious George of a human (read: there is no normal).
If a guy is unhappy in his relationship, you’ll most likely sense it and hopefully have an adult conversation about it. You can’t prevent anyone from cheating on you, trust me I’ve tried and it only ripped my relationships apart faster and with more fury.
Don’t spend time creating what you don’t want and know that if something isn’t syncing up, there’s a good reason.
You can only be you and if you’re not clicking, the better to know sooner than later for the both of you. In general, I don’t think men’s porn collections are something to be threatened by but I think your snooping implies that there’s something up with you (read: not him, YOU). If you have a tendency to be snooperiffic, then I’d take a good look in the mirror and think about what you’d not want your guy to know about you. We often react strongly to that which we resist in ourselves. Was there a time in your life that you cheated or thought about cheating? My guess is yes and you felt so crappy about it that you stuffed that part of you deep down and now attack that in others because it’s outstanding within yourself.
All you can do now that you’ve fell into the “T.M.I. river” here is get clear about how you feel, why you feel that way, what you can be responsible for and ask yourself what is your preferred outcome with your guy. I’d come clean, apologize and tell him how it happened and how you felt. Keep it simple and don’t accuse him of anything but just share your feelings and your fears about what came up for you. Talk it out, work it out and use this as an opportunity to come closer together, being real and honest. It’s certainly the first step on the road to recovery, trust first, love always and don’t be too hard on him or yourself.
“And you will live in happiness too!
Like the oompa-loompa doopity-do!”