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Why You Can’t Win In A Battle of the Exes

Dreams of An Ex

Question of the Week

Dear Ella,

I have been in a relationship for about a year now.  My last relationship ended, well it ended not so well. And in my current relationship, my boyfriend has told me that I have sex dreams about my past boyfriend and told me I had called him by my ex’s name a few times when he tried to wake me up.

Each time when I woke up, I had no memory of the dreams. I have told him time and again that I have moved on, I don’t try and convince my self of this fact, I really don’t think of him.

He may pop up in my thoughts for some reason like I hear his name on tv or something, but that relationship ended, not well, but it ended.

So my question is how do I convince my boyfriend that I am over my ex and that although I had dreams of my ex (which I don’t remember) they don’t mean anything?  He thinks that because I am dreaming of him that I still want him or want to be with him.

I need some rational logic for the dream in which I don’t remember having but apparently had. I need some logical help here please!

Thanks a heap,


P.S. one more thing :)  How do I convince people that because I am trying to convince them I am over my ex I am really not otherwise I would not be trying to convince them that I am.  Does that make sense?

Dear Judy,

Your unconscious self is making a bit of trouble for you hmm? Ex dreams can be extreme and extremely discomforting, especially when they’re audible to your current lover. I hear you, loud and clear, no pun intended.

It’s not uncommon to have a sex dream but the fact that they are recurring raises my eyebrows and undoubtedly your current partner’s fears. I gather that you no longer are interested in being with your previous partner (sexually or otherwise) but I have a hunch that when that relationship ended, you buried an aspect of yourself with it and now it’s rising up.

You mention that you and your ex did not end things well. Often when we’ve let someone in, intimately, we’ve allowed them to have access to us and we’ve felt safe. When you’re deeply hurt in an intimate relationship, it’s a challenge to open up again, feeling that we can trust someone new and more importantly, trust ourselves. Plus, there’s the whole element of associating your sexuality with a previous partner(s).

TIP: Try visualizing cutting cords with them, literally, imagine strings attached from them to you and get super imaginative with a massive pair of scissors and cut. Clients and friends I’ve done this with in sessions have had a ball doing it.

Say MY Name, b%$##!

Calling out your ex’s name is pretty hard core and difficult to stomach for anyone.  Here’s a thought- Did you find that you felt more free to explore your animalistic side in this previous relationship? I’ve heard time and time again that the best sex has often been with dysfunctional, “crazy” lovers and then we wonder why the relationship is unstable and often over before it’s begun. But here’s the clinker, this issue isn’t about anyone but you… pssst the “best sex you’ve ever had” is due to your comfort level with yourself and what you were willing to receive/explore/give/create at that moment in time.

Sleep to Dream Per Chance To Heal

Your dream shout-outs to your ex, in my humble opinion, are actually a call to arms for you to honor that which you’ve decided to push away within yourself and it’s not serving your health so that’s why is bubbling to the surface.

What we suppress comes out somewhere in the wash even when we think we’re masters at hiding or have become great at hiding things from ourselves. I’m not going to get Freudian or Jungian on you because I don’t know what your dream consisted of (and neither do you at this point) but this website is a cool resource for analyzing dreams, there’s even a little section that directly addresses “ex sex”: DreamMoods.com. Just scroll to “Sex,” it’s set up like a dictionary.

One more goodie, oh thank goodness I know this TIP:
This month happens to be the first time in eight years that Venus (yes the planet, ruler of beauty/sex/love) has gone retrograde in Scorpio(hello passion/intensity/sexuality/sneakiness secretiveness). You’ve probably often heard of Mercury going into Retrograde and told to be careful signing contracts or traveling during that cycle but this Aphrodite Ouchie-Wah Wah brigade is something different all together. It’s said that this month is the month that you deal with your romantic skeletons in the closet, have ex-lover run-ins (in reality or in dream states), etc. For more details, check out InHarmony Astrology by clicking here. People all over the planet are experiencing their sexual past in a big way right now and it makes a lot of sense once you read about the uber-dramatic tango Venus is dancing (read: you’re not crazy, the stars are just having their way with you and helping you clear out karma junk with hauntings of your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend past).

Time to Play Hide N’ Seek On Your Terms

I invite you to work with someone (read: someone you don’t know personally and doesn’t know your current or ex partner), to uncover what you’re tucked away be it a belief, a story, a fear, et cetera. A little outside perspective from someone who is not directly related to you personally is a huge gift you could give to yourself. It’s less emotionally charged and you’re more likely to be honest with yourself and see the situation in a new light. And for now, I would stop worrying about everyone else and trying to convince them of anything. If they’re at all sensitive to you and care about you, they are just bringing up their concern because something is off and they recognize it. The more you try to resist that, the more you give whatever you’re trying to resist power (and it’s ever more visible). Get in the trenches, I promise you’ll feel a heck of a lot better. It won’t be as complicated as you think and with the right support and tools, you’ll be a crackerjack expert on how to love you more. Go team!

With a Rosie-the-Riveter flex and a follow-up hug…

Sweet dreams,


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