Did it when you were first sexually active? How about last year or last night?
Sometimes I wonder if it’s just me. I’m always the person at the party who brings up the world of sexuality- we all got here that way didn’t we? It’s not always for the shock value (that’s more my Grandie’s style) but I really enjoy seeing where people’s comfort levels are and where they get stuck. The word “penis” just makes people a smidge squirmy and vagina, forget about it. Did you know that vagina comes from the latin meaning: sword’s sheath? Uhh! New word please, thank you.
What about the word cunt? It’s chocolatey sounding apparently…
As most of you know, my favorite thing about talking or teaching good sex is humanizing it- making it real, not having judgment and being open-minded. It’s funny how a lot of old myths stick in our heads about boys wanting sex more or that women should orgasm vaginally blah blah blah – B.S!
I also think we rarely talk about all the stirrings that come about regarding the beautiful human form and how hot and bothered folks get regarding the opposite and often the same sex (why don’t we talk about this more?). Hello human!
Teens, senior citizens and folks of all shapes, sizes and desires would have had a better run if they had a teacher they could trust and could just talk shop without skipping over sex being pleasurable and how. Sexual education isn’t (and shouldn’t) just be about the uh-oh and oh-no concerns like STDs, pregnancy and rape- education begins with teaching “good sex” and talking about the positives too. An ice breaker I LOVE to use is “Have you ever looked around you and realized that every person you see is the result of an orgasm? Well, it’s my hope that we are the result of two! “
If we leave out pleasure, what’s the point of talking- I know all my fellow classmates in Human Development just shuddered in horror at the slides of STDs and the “Miracle of Life” vaginal birth video. Times they are a changing! Sex Ed CAN BE SEXY and so can birth (a soon-to-be-published post). We don’t have to rely on getting good info from Cosmo or Maxim, porn or old school beliefs that potentially muck up our perceptions/truths.
Imagine if you took a course in high school called “Sexuality and Society” where you got to talk about relationships, what a vulva actually looked like (and how many varieties there are), that porn isn’t the best teacher, gender stereotypes, what ways to experience pleasure through sexual activity…
These are the topics of debate in Mr. Vernacchio first of its kind course that I so wish I had taken (or been given the green light to teach). In this week’s NY Times article, Vernacchio shares with journalist Laurie Abraham: “When God was passing out talents,” he likes to say, “I got ease in talking about sex” and I’m happy to join him in that gift basket.
Two boys who told me they’d been masturbating to Internet porn since middle school said they found themselves disoriented at the real-life encounters they had with girls, but Vernacchio helped them grasp the disjuncture. Pornography “gives boys the impression that the girl is there to do any position you want, or to please you, or to, you know, role-play to your liking,” one of them said. “But yesterday, when Mr. V. said there is no romanticism or intimacy in porn, porn is strictly sexual — I’d never thought about that.”
One young man in the class told me he had intercourse with 10 girls, but he was a relative outlier. While most of the students had had intercourse — 70 percent of teenagers do so by their 19th birthday, according to the Guttmacher Institute — only 4 of the 17 I spoke with reported having three or more partners; 10 had had one or two; the other three were virgins.
To read more on this fascinating NY Times Article, “Teaching Good Sex” by Laurie Abraham, click here.
Were you having sex by 19? Were you comfortable asking your partner what you wanted? I think one of the greater gifts we can give one other is information on how to enjoy our lives more and sex certainly marks high on that list. Sex can do a body good, don’t we want that for everyone? Better sex makes for a better world.
Even after YEARS of sexual activity people still ask me things that this teacher is bringing up to 9th and 11th graders.
“Why doesn’t my girlfriend cum during sex?” is a mega popular question…
“…70 percent of women do not orgasm through vaginal penetration alone — [after discussing this fact] one boy exclaimed, “That shocked me, a lot.” The other boys also told me they’d been in the dark about the mysteries of female sexual satisfaction. “I think I sort of knew where the clitoris was, but I didn’t know it was, like, under something,” one said. Another declared, “It’s almost like a wake-up call.” He paused. “To not just please yourself.”
The female students were nearly equally surprised. “I always thought, Is it weird that I don’t get an orgasm from, you know, just like vaginal penetration?” said a girl who’d had intercourse with one boy, though she’d had orgasms before that from being touched genitally. “It was comforting to hear that for most people it doesn’t happen. I mean, I’d heard it, but it was nice hearing it from Mr. V., who knows so much about it, and other people saying, ‘Yeah, yeah, that’s right.’ ”
We can’t normalize enough, be we teens or well into our fifties (and that’s especially the case for new moms and post-menopausal women because sex changes as our bodies change). Talking and re-addressing “normal” changes everyone’s perception for the better, particularly getting clear on what feels GOOD. So don’t forget to include that in your next pillow talk session- playing doctor or teacher isn’t just for the kiddies you know. ;-)
Share this post/article with your family, friends, educators, lovers and community. It’s good food for thought, body, sex and mind.