Honoring Yourself Even When the Phone Rings…

May 6, 2012 By ella 2 Comments

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I had been seeking a way to pray without making it about a dude in the sky for a loooong time and when I finally found my way to a mantra, I was so excited it was like a blind date with a super yummy lover. Meditation and prayer was my time to bask in the luxury of love right in the center of me. I didn’t have to go on okcupid and wax poetic or shave my legs, I just placed my japa mala in my hands and fingered each of the 108 beads with ecstasy.

That was until my phone rang…

I had given my digits to a ridiculously beautiful man a few nights before and I opened one eye to check my phone’s caller ID. Yup. Ring.
Ring.
Do I answer or continue to meditate?
Ring.
I knew he was leaving for a long trip and I didn’t want to miss the chance to spend time with him.
Ring.
Wow, does my phone even ring that many times?

“Hi!”

I put the excitement of an external love, the butterflies of it, before honoring myself and my connection to something greater. I had no discipline in the face of temptation- this was true for ice cream, beautiful men and even slouching.

Well, loving on yourself and connecting to the sacred, timeless place inside of you that unconditionally supports you WILL always be there but like any good temple, it deserves TLC and that relationship above any other is crucial to your well-being. Honoring yourself, saying YES to you and knowing everything else can wait for at least an om is something to remember.

Especially on sunny Sundays, honor your temple, honor your light, honor your heart and let the phone ring. You’re worth it and they’ll thank you for putting you first. Don’t be afraid of missing out on anything except for yourself. That’s commitment dearies.

Love,

Ella

Filed Under: Food for Thought Tagged With: commitment, distraction, focus, love, meditation, modern day shit

When the Sh%$ Hits The…

April 9, 2012 By ella Leave a Comment

Rainbow?

Yup. Ah yes, the cycle of life. How can you make it more fun?

Just slide…

Let me see that tootsie roll? ;-)

Other suggestions: roll, dip or whatever floats your boat.

Surrendering to the fact that even in the face of what seems like total shit and not something you signed up for, it’s all a part of the crap shoot that you’re throwing and rolling. You know, your thoughts and what you’ve asked to experience. The future isn’t the pot of gold, it’s often the shits because you’re not being here for what is happening right now.

When in doubt – just stop fighting it and say “weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”

Filed Under: Food for Thought Tagged With: when the shit hits the fan

Change? Heads Will Roll!

February 25, 2012 By ella Leave a Comment

The Queen of Hearts, not much of a fan of change or things not going HER way.

Your way? Always MY WAY!
Off with your head!

Recently, it came to my attention that I’m all for adventures but often on my terms.
When a friend recently invited me to a girls’ night out and her boyfriend tagged along, I admit I initially got a bit pissy.

I thought about my not-so-favorite movement sequence in tai chi, “Change Is Difficult”.


I always snicker to myself at the title because change is inevitable so why is it often experienced as difficult?
For me, if I’m a smidge cranky or excited by my expectations, I’ll admit I’m easily agitated at first if they change (even if for the better).

Mood is perspective, some of my best non-plans have the best things EVER!
However, sometimes it feels really good to be pissed off and disappointed, making someone else wrong and giving them shit for it. But what is the change symbolizing to you and is your being pissed off really creating the experience you ultimately want?

I think for everyone there’s a different broken record/tape playing in our heads that eagerly awaits the opportunity to be wound up. Do we give into the habit of it or embrace change?

Change is difficult if we believe that to be so.

A break up or a losing our job or moving from familiar surroundings can at first, absolutely, be difficult but will only remain so if we choose it.

If we’re stuck in the story that we’re not important, not enough, not lovable, always alone, unable to win then we’ll seek opportunities to prove these not so happy beliefs to be true until we catch it.

Being a grumpy old bear or an Eeyore serves something, it’s up to you to ask what?

Maybe having a hot temper around change is a way to protect yourself or stand up for yourself after not doing so in other aspects of our lives? I certainly see that to be the case for myself and many others. Anger can be a healthy thing though, it’s showing us where we feel violation (and that’s often seeded within violating ourselves).

Why are we happy?
Expecting to remain or hold onto happiness is what makes us unhappy because we’re forever changing, every second of every day. Trying to keep things exactly as they are will inevitably make us miserable and misery loves company. Change is difficult if we consider it to be.

Having things go our way and punishing others for not meeting our expectations is a quick way to kickstart unhappiness. Being stubborn about apologizing or shifting is silly and the quicker we laugh about it and consider that there are a bajillion ways (not a right one) the quicker we’ll inject a sigh of relief. It’s up to you…

“Natural happiness is what we get when we get what we wanted, and synthetic happiness is what we make when we don’t get what we wanted. In our society, we have a strong belief that synthetic happiness is of an inferior kind.” (Dan Gilbert)

This is incredible food for thought on happiness… Dan Gilbert’s TED Talk on “Why Are We Happy?” may change your perspective (be forewarned).

Filed Under: Food for Thought Tagged With: change is difficult, Food for Thought, Go Ask Ella, heads will roll, off with his head, plan b, queen of hearts, why are we happy

How To Transform The Whiney B%$#@

February 10, 2012 By ella Leave a Comment

Moving away from being a whiner (or as I kindly refer to myself: whiney martyr bitch) is actually far easier to do than you might imagine.

Just change this statement:

_________ is doing this TO me

to

________ is doing this FOR me.

Why?
Because it’s true, we create our experiences to learn, grow and ultimately, love.

Progress can be harmless people, really it can and it all begins with taking responsibility for our lives.
If love is all around us and all there is, then it’s our ultimate purpose to sniff it out like proper little bloodhounds.

Feel what you feel, especially anger (don’t ever stuff it) and remember that it’s an opportunity for you to see that it’s the way the world loves you. Sometimes shit just gets lost in translation.

I was ridiculously inspired by my brother from another mother, Justin Polgar and his video post this week on Anger.

He’s the self-professed YES-ologist and I second his yessing. Watch this, warning: you will love him even if you didn’t plan on it.

I listened in my car while driving in LA traffic and rawr-ed along with him in this video, everything quickly turned into laughter and I felt a bajillion times better. Treat yourself to him and if you can, his chocolate (no I’m making an innuendo but it is dirty). :-)

Filed Under: Food for Thought Tagged With: Anger, Dirty Chocolate, Food for Thought, Go Ask Ella, How To Transform the Whiney Bitch, Justin Polgar, Whiney Bitch, yesology

You Can Blush But You Can’t Hide…

February 5, 2012 By ella Leave a Comment

Tomorrow (February 6th) I’ll be speaking at Bini Birth in North Hollywood a group of amazing women, new mommies and those in world of mommies.

BINI Birth's Ana Paula Markel and Ella Lauser

Go Ask Ella is honored to be a safe space for questions about the “things we don’t talk about but should.” Ella will empower us to get in our bodies and check in our personal wisdom in our role of new mommyhood. We will look at the stories we tell as women and mothers. Come learn how to re-define who we are based on who we want to be and share tips for getting our groove back! Ella will be working on simple breath and relaxation techniques to bring us back into our own inner peace. Ella provides the perfect sacred and safe space for women to become empowered emotionally to live a happier, more connected, joyful life. Come be part of this amazing circle of support!

The group meets from 1 to 2:30 on Monday at Bini Birth 5355 Cartwright Avenue in North Hollywood. A six class pass is available for $120, or you can drop in for a single class for $25. Email rachel@binibirth.com for more details or of course, Go Ask Ella!

Filed Under: Go Ask Ella Tagged With: BINI Birth, circle of support, Go Ask Ella, mommy and me, mommyhood, mothers, storytelling, women

Gone Coconuts!

January 26, 2012 By ella 1 Comment

So where have I been?

Helping babies be born, supporting mommas in knowing that they do know what’s best, staying up all hours of the night supporting the miracle of life, and… going friggin’ coconuts for Harmless Harvest.

As a yogi, a yummy but good-for-you junkie and a care bear for overall well-being, I’ve simply fallen in love with this brand of coconut water. It’s the first 100% Raw Organic ready to drink coconut water out there and after being a die-hard coconut water drinker for years, I can honestly say that this one is the real deal and it knocks every other option off the shelves (and frankly, into the garbage).

So, as a doula, my heart is centered around birthing goodness into the world and I felt really strongly that I needed to be involved with Harmless Harvest. They are an impeccable group that cares from start to finish how coconut water is being experienced the world over. Get involved, go grab some deliciousness and share the love by liking the heck out of them on facebook: Harmless SoCal !

Check out what SF’s Planet Check had to say this week about Harmless Harvest:

“They source their unique coconuts from small, organic agroforestry farms, then use a cutting-edge, heatless, high-pressure process for food safety and extended shelf life in your fridge. Those other coconut waters that sit on the shelf have been heated which in turn, kills the flavor and nutrients.

Coconut water has so many health benefits: potassium, electrolytes, magnesium. It’s excellent for hydration and helps settle your stomach. This is the closest you can get to tasting a fresh coconut from the tree. It’s twice as nutritious, uber flavorful and best of all, it’s organic. Look for them at Whole Foods.”

Filed Under: Ella Lauser Tagged With: Coconut Water, Ella Lauser, Harmless Harvest, Harmless SoCal, Organic, Raw

True Health

January 2, 2012 By ella 2 Comments

True health doesn’t stem solely from what we eat or how many times we visit a yoga studio or gym.

It’s about relationships…

And I’m not just talking about our relationship status on Facebook, I’m talking about our relationships to everything: our past, our jobs, our creative expression, our family, our environment, our body, our food, our emotions, our spirit.

The holistic (the whole enchilada) approach to what’s up with our well-being is way more crucial than our calorie intake. Having the best routine and dietary regime won’t get to the root of why we feel like crap. Trust me.

Check out this incredible video from TED Talks that really spells it out.  Examining what your little red flags are is the best thing you could do for you and your world, that’s true health.




Lissa Rankin, MD is an OB/GYN physician, author, keynote speaker, consultant to health care visionaries, professional artist, and founder of the women’s health and wellness community OwningPink.com. Discouraged by the broken, patriarchal health care system, she left her medical practice in 2007 only to realize that you can quit your job, but you can’t quit your calling. This epiphany launched her on a journey of discovery that led her to become a leader in the field of mind/body medicine, which she blogs about at OwningPink.com and is writing about in her third book Mind Over Medicine: Scientific Proof You Can Heal Yourself (Hay House, 2013).

Filed Under: health, relationships Tagged With: Go Ask Ella, healthy relationships, Lissa Rankin, TED talks, true health, well-being

Get Down To The Heart of the Matter

December 30, 2011 By ella 2 Comments


Photo by Amber Buck


Disease of the mind, the heart or the body is dis-ease of the spirit.

I find that it’s a cycle of mine to re-evaluate things right around the end of each year. After the hustle bustle of travel, feasts and fodder, when it gets quiet you can hear the whispers of your body saying “please no more toxic crap”. Is it food? Is it family? Is it your environment? Perhaps it’s your relationship to your work, your lover, your finances, yourself?

A series of questions that sometimes leave us feeling overwhelmed by injustices but in truth, who resides over our court?

This past year I’ve reconsidered who I can be in the world a thousand times over, in fact I’ve done this for as long as I can remember. When I was three years old I wanted to be Sleeping Beauty. From four to six year old I wanted to make my grandma feel good and not be sick any more. At nine I wanted to be the best speller in my school and win the math trophy too. From eleven until fourteen I wanted to be Juliet also I desperately wanted to be Mexican, have breasts and one day win an Oscar. At 18, I wanted to be an actress, singer, psychologist, fiancé and graduate from NYU Magna Cum Laude. At 19, I wanted to move to Los Angeles and work as a music supervisor for film.

Finally around 24, I got really ill while working in the Hollywood machine and started seeking teachers, healers, alternative paths and how I could serve the world, offering my heart’s gifts. Then I wavered on whether or not I had the courage to do go a road less traveled and moved to Seoul, South Korea for a year to teach English (how that seemed more “responsible” and reasonable I’ll never know).

At 28, with over 30 resumes on my hard drive, I once again sought the path of becoming a speaker, healer, teacher and doula. The meaning of doula is “woman of service” and I knew that this was my life long journey but didn’t quite understand that everyone has a different definition of service.

Full service, self-service, server, “the help”, free, pro-bono, of no value, charitable acts, hocus pocus, love, light, servant.

We are all in service to some degree. What are we serving though?

-an expectation from our parents, a purpose, ourselves?

Go Ask Ella was my first attempt at world-wide service and after nearly two years, I’ve had a few clients that have opened my eyes to what work can be and I’m so grateful. I’ve also learned that without clarity on the definition of service, you can easily be mistaken as a doormat, an afterthought, a fixer, unpaid and undervalued.

Where we fall out of alignment is where we haven’t asked a question. So I asked myself today – where am I out of alignment? Struggling to make ends meet causes so much undue stress that it affects all of my relationships, my clarity, peace and this little light of mine doesn’t shine.

Witnessing and supporting two lives come into this world this year made me also see that there is so much fear around not knowing. We often start in a hospital setting where we hand over our well-being from the get go to someone else. “Who should I be?” “What should I do?” “What’s wrong with me?” “I’m uncomfortable. Make it better.” No one holds authority over you though, absolutely no one knows better than you moment to moment.

If we don’t feel, if we don’t have the space to ask, then that’s the root of dis-ease.

A wise woman once looked me square in the eye and said- “You’re your teacher.” Some of the best postpartum and birth doulas I know are celebrated because they never tell the family what to do but they ask questions that lead them back to empowering choices. We can always make new choices and change our minds but knowing that we were the ones to do so makes all the difference.

I now have the choice of renewing Go Ask Ella’s hosting domain in the next week. Being a safe, real space to discuss ideas, current issues and concerns with wellness and relationship. Not sure if the site should stand. $75+ to maintain each year it’s been up and less than that has been donated to keep it running.

“By 2012 I intend to empower 5000 people to fall in love with themselves. in other news… food, sex, travel wisdom at your service.”

Did I reach my goal?

With over 20,000 visits to just the site alone not including my twitter feed, YouTube channel, Elephant Journal articles, workshops, women circles, over 200 complimentary support sessions via phone, skype or email.

I receive 1200+ word emails from askers who want a quick answer for their problems and I’ll tell you all now, there is no email reply I could ever give you that could act as a magic wand and poof! –all better.

Doing the work, inquiring and committing to taking care of yourself is a life-long journey that begins and ends wit you. There are thousands of people out there who will hold it down for you while you peel off your masks, it’s up to you to decide who you do that with. Who do you trust? Who do you feel you can be totally vulnerable and completely yourself with? Whether they’re friends, family, a therapist, a coach – what’s important is that you value the relationship, the exchange, the time, the richness of what unfolds because it will be a direct reflection of how much you value your self and that person or people.

I’m choosing to do what excites me and be paid well for my time, energy and heart (as we all should be).

Perhaps the Go Ask Ella chapter is coming to an end or perhaps it’s just the definition of what Go Ask Ella has been.

Posing questions, posting on Facebook, and sending email blasts haven’t really ruffled feathers or got much response. Even asking you questions as a new approach didn’t really take. And that may very well be because I’ve not really been throwing it down, slicing it up and serving up hot freshness.

Maybe by just laying it down today and being vulnerable will dust off the drawing board for me, for you, for “everyone”. ;-)

I leave you with this…

The world is a blank canvas, what do you want to paint?
Everything you see is a creation from someone’s doodling in their notebook or from a conversation they had with a friend or a spark of thought that emerged in a dream.
If life doesn’t look or feel good to you right now, what’s the first order of business to change that?

Be real, lay it down, get down to the heart of the matter and open up to what’s possible…

Filed Under: Go Ask Ella

Being Wrong

December 4, 2011 By ella Leave a Comment

Being wrong is something we all avoid.  Maybe in our moments of post-yoga zen, we’re okay with being wrong. Ideologically embracing being wrong about something in our past and letting it go is a bit easier than being wrong right now and that is rarely appreciated.

Last night, I decided to argue a point that it was rude for my partner to tell me I couldn’t have any more salted caramel ice cream because I took the bite he wanted (he had sculpted and adorned it so perfectly, I couldn’t help myself). When he countered my argument with the fact that he had just cooked me dinner and cleaned up the whole kitchen, I acknowledged that this was true but stuck to my guns because the ice cream take away was a separate issue.

*yes, I realize I’m ridiculous for arguing about a bite of ice crem

But anyone who knows me knows how I can get about ice cream… it makes me happy but I’m not good at sharing it.

Everyone’s got their thing right?

Yup, animal, human and not perfect.  But in any case, I often bow out and roll over when it comes to arguments because I don’t like being wrong and I don’t particularly enjoy confrontation. However, I decided last night to stick it out and learn something even if I was wrong and it turned out I learned that he was joking and that taking the bite he wanted was rude as was taunting him. Also known as, I was wrong.  But you know what?  I felt better about him, the ice cream and myself afterwards.


As a kid, I prided myself on getting gold stars and straight A’s.

When you do that and get in the habit of being correct or right, there’s not much room for wrong.   So when we are wrong, we can get a little mea culpa, slapping a “I’m a bad person” name badge onto ourselves after a good whipping.

As an educator who had to grade her students and write narrative evaluations on performance, it was bizarre to have five years old beg the question: “am I bad” all because they didn’t get 100% on a quiz.  My students wouldn’t even create art that was different or unique because as I was told: “teacher there is right way, show us how.”  By striving to be right, we don’t have a lot of fun do we?


Being wrong is being human and it’s actually a good thing, it doesn’t define us and we’re better people when we’re wrong.

Being wrong is our greatest teacher.

Now, this morning when I found this TED talk in my Facebook newsfeed, I pinched myself.  Gotta love synchronicity!

Being wrong never felt so good!  Enjoy what this self-professed “Wrongologist” has to say (or don’t, I’m okay with being wrong on what you consider awesome).  ;=)


[ted id=1126]


P.S. Where have you been wrong lately?  
How did you handle it?  What about when other people are “wrong”?

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this too, comments welcome!  Wrong isn’t a bad word, let’s prove it. :-)

Filed Under: happiness Tagged With: being wrong, Go Ask Ella, recovering perfectionist, TED talks

Tis The Season for “I’m Sorry”

November 22, 2011 By ella Leave a Comment

Thanksgiving is calling out all bellies to join in pumpkin pie festivities, gathering of families old and new as well as offering us a time to be thankful for what we have.

This late autumn/early winter timeframe also dredges up funny things from ghosts and things left unsaid. Maybe regret is the other side of gratitude’s coin? Perhaps when it gets cold outside and you’re feeling the bitter wind, you’re reminded of when you’ve been a dick and feel sorry about it. Should you reach out and touch someone?

Date: 11/22/11

Subject: I’m Sorry

Ella, I’m sorry I’ve been such an asshole to you.

The holidays bring up the past, I get it.  Where was I this time last year? The year before? Who was with me? Who is no longer around and why?

We become self-reflective, sentimental, emotional, filled with nostalgia and often have the urge to reach out and make things right. But an apology about being an asshole is a strange Thanksgiving approach, don’t ya think? Especially if there’s no real intention to change anything, apologies are kinda pointless aside from tugging at memories that want to remain in the past.

My advice- don’t peel back old wounds just because you’ve seen your reflection in the mirror unless you’re changing your behavior. Accountability is cool I’ll admit. And what’s more is that the minute I don’t need the apology anymore is when they arrive.

Advice item numero dos: Make amends with yourself and have compassion for folks who make mistakes (because we all do).

When questioning whether or not to pick up the phone or click send to a person from your past…

1. Question if it’s for you or for them?

If they’re not in your life any more maybe it’s for the best and everyone wants it that way. Making amends can be a great gift, don’t get me wrong, but not when it’s at the expense of your potential pardoner. Laying your trip on them is one way to just add more ick to the agenda, who wants more mess? Or to be cleaner upper. You can only truly forgive yourself and acknowledge your mistake (do so externally if you have no expectation/need for a reunion).

Once you click send or start talking, you’ve opened a bit of a Pandora’s box and forgiveness may not be on the menu. Don’t expect anyone to let you off the hook, they’re entitled to feel however they want and you may end up just feeling worse if you’re attempt to make good is rejected.

2. Try writing a couple of letters first for yourself, a free write of everything you want to say without edits. If you’re underlying message is “I need you to forgive me so I can feel better about myself” or “I’m sorry for acting like an asshole because of what YOU did.” Then you’re making them responsible or wrong and you’re not really interested in forgiveness as much as you are being right or getting a dose of “I’m okay.”

3. Don’t have expectations for an outcome aside from just you expressing your apology I’ve gone years without talking to friends or past lovers for a number of reasons and when we reconnect it has worked out in a number of ways. Sometimes just a nod and a “hope you’re doing well” has happened or in some scenarios, we’ve gone on to become great friends. Some apologies take time to sink in and others are chalked up to just being human. Don’t hold yourself in guilt or feeling like a bad person, we’ve all fucked up at one point or another.

4. Make it a two-way street. If you do decide to reach out, perhaps consider giving that person an opening to talk to you as opposed to just making a blanketed apology without communicating a course of action to change or make things better.  Everyone in a crap situation has a hand in in it for the most part, maybe they have something to apologize for to (this is something they may or may not feel) so let them have their chance at the peace pipe.

Making peace begins with you making peace with yourself. A friend’s father once advised me that sending an apology with prayer or a visualization is often all that’s needed.

To the person who wrote me this morning- it’s not for me to forgive you but for you to forgive yourself and hopefully make an effort to be a better person, learn from your mistakes and change your behavior. I don’t think you’re an asshole, you’re just a person who made some poor choices and it sucked at the time. All good.

I’m grateful for my interactions throughout my life, including my own personal screw ups because it’s in those moments I really saw how out of alignment I really was with the person I am underneath it all.

We’re only human and by practice and intention we can reach for something greater back into ourselves.

Giving thanks,

Ella


P.S. For those of you who receive an apology any time soon, also consider it took a certain amount of courage and try your best to have compassion (that is unless it’s a text which is just lame depending on the circumstances).  If it’s a big I’m sorry, make a grand gesture ala John Cusack’s Lloyd Dobbler in Say Anything(see image above of boy holding boombox).

An effort is an effort none-the-less and some folks (ahem, most of us if not all of us at one point) get a bit squirmy and weird when owning up to our shit.   Compassion is seriously the word of the day here. And remember, in the end, what’s the bigger picture that’s preferred?  Holding onto something that doesn’t feel good  just to hold it over someone is causing YOU more pain .

“Resentment or grudges do no harm to the person against whom you hold these feelings but every day and every night of your life, they are eating at you”- Norman Vincent Peale (1898 – 1993)


Filed Under: apology, letting go Tagged With: apology, feeling guilty, Go Ask Ella, i'm sorry, letting go, what to do when you've been an asshole, when you're ex wants to be forgiven
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